Q: How do you fix a broken chimp?
A: With a monkey wrench!
Author: admin
The Frustrated Bee
Why was the bee flying around with his legs crossed?
He couldn’t find a BP station!
If a frog parks.
Q. What happens when a frog parks illegaly?
A. It gets toad!
Ho Chee!!
A businessman is on a high profile trip to Japan to meet a very prestigious client. For him this is the deal of the century, he does not want to mess it up. This deal could really put his company on the map. Bearing this in mind he flies over a night early so he can get his head together and prepare for the big meeting in the morning. As he checks into the hotel he notices some stunning oriental girls hanging around the reception but doesn’t give it a second thought. When he’s settled in his room with everything prepared for the morning he decides to order from room service a little night-cap.
As he browses the menu he realises the girls in the reception are on the menu as well. He thinks to himself, it has been a long time since he’s been with a woman. He been so wrapped up in his work lately there’s been no time for relationships. Also it would put a spring in his step and put him in a better frame of mind for the following days events. After studying the menu he orders a scotch and coke and a girl called Melissa. Well it’s not long before there down to business and he hasn’t lost any of his magic. He’s giving the performance of a lifetime he’s got the girl practically screaming. As she bites her lip she shouts out in Japanese “Ho chee!, Ho chee!”. Wow! She’s loving it. Once its all over he pays the girl and goes to sleep satisfied and kinda proud that he still got what it takes.
The following morning he’s up bright and early to meet the client. He was expecting a high pressure board meeting but is pleasantly surprised to discover that he shall be conducting business during a round of golf, how civilised. During the round he is discussing his product with Mr Meagi the CEO of Japans largest corporation.
Everything is looking very favourable and he’s sure he’s clinched the deal. On the 18th hole Mr Meagi plays a fantastic shot and gets a hole in one from over 500 yards. Knowing that this is his last opportunity to praise the man the businessman he gives it his best shot. The whole days business has been conducted in English and as a gesture of respect the businessman decides to try and congratulate the man in Japanese.
He wracks his brains and remembers what the hooker was screaming last night. (She was truly impressed) So he says to Mr Meagi “Ho chee Sir, Ho chee”.
To which Mr Meagi furiously replies “Wot you mean wong hole?”
Black joke
What do you do after you unload three rounds of shotgun shells into a black man?
Stop laughing and reload.
Redneck Heimlich
A woman goes into a restaurant in a small southern town out in the country. She orders the chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast she starts to choke on a chicken bone. Well these two country boys in the next booth notice she is choking so they get up and go over to help her.
The first country boy drops his coveralls and bends over and the second country boy starts licking his butt. The woman watches these two go at it and is grossed out. She pukes all over the place dislodging the chicken bone from her throat.
The country boy pulls his overalls back up and says to the other, “You’re right Leroy, that ‘hind-lick’ maneuver works like a charm”.
Toilet Hygiene
Gary and Lorne were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory, when Gary glanced over and noticed that Lorne’s penis was twisted like a corkscrew. “Wow,” Gary said.”I’ve never seen one like that before.””Like what?”Lorne said. “All twisted like a corkscrew,” Gary said.”Well, what’s yours like?”Lorne said.”Straight, like normal,” Gary said.”I thought mine was normal until I saw yours,” Lorne said.Gary finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shakedown prior to putting it back in his pants.”What did you do that for?”asked Lorne.”Shaking off the excess drops,” replied Gary.”Like normal.””Cripes,” Lorne said.”And all these years I’ve been wringing it.”
Expensive Course
Four men are on the golf course one Sunday morning, and as they tee off one of them says that he has a confession to make. “You know, guys, this golfing on Sunday mornings is costing me an arm and a leg. I had to buy my wife a Lexus that is fully loaded in order for me to be able to come golf with you every week.”
The second man says, “That’s nothing, I had to buy my wife that mansion up on the hill and put it in her name only so that I could come.”
The third man says, “I can top that, I had to send my wife and daughter to Paris for two weeks for a shopping spree. I have no idea how much that will cost me.”
The fourth man doesn’t say anything, so they ask him about it. He says “Ah, it is no big deal for me, I just roll over Sunday morning and say to my wife ‘intercourse or golf course’!”
state capitals
A dumb blonde was bragging about his knowledge of the state capitals.He proudly said,”go ahead, ask me, I know all of them.”A redhead said, “OK, what’s the capital of Wisconsin?”The blonde replied, “That’s easy – ‘W’.”
Una mujer que ve que
Una mujer que ve que su casa se est� incendiando le grita a su marido:
“�Auxilio! �Socorro, amor, que llamen a los bomberos! �Se quema nuestra casaaaa!”
Sin inmutarse, el esposo le responde, llev�ndose el dedo �ndice a los labios:
“�Shhhh! �Silencio, mi amor, no hagas ruido que vas a despertar a tu madre!”
Light Bulb 4
How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb?”You can change those things?!”
Circumcision
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, “What are you in here for?”
The second kid says, “I’m in here to get my tonsils out and I’m a little nervous.”
The first kid says, “You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four.
They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It’s a breeze!”
The second kid then asks, “What are you here for?”
The first kid says, “A circumcision.”
And the second kid says, “Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn’t walk for a year!”