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Corn Joke

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One Day 3 men were driving down a road and there car broke down so they had to walk to a gas station or a hotel. They walked for 300 miles and they finally came to this one house in the middle of nowhere. They knocked on the front door and an old woman answered the door.

One of the men asked “Can we come in and rest and have something to eat?”

The woman said ” Only if all of you have sex with me.”

The man replied loudly ” NO WAY!!!!”

Then she said “Well there is not going to be another gas station or service station for 300 miles.”

They all agreed and said yes. When the first man came in she said I am ready the man said ok hold on I will be right back. But you have to keep this blind fold on and she did.
The man then went out to the feild and got 3 cobs of corn. He came back and stuck one in and took it out and threw it out the window and did that with each ear of corn.

After the woman said”Man, That was the best I have ever had in 70 years!”

Then he went outside and told his friends to come inside and eat.

“No” they said “It is ok we were sitting out here and we saw corn falling out the window and we saved you a peice.”

Yo mamma iz…

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your mamma is so ugly, when she was born, she had an incubator with tinted windows,
your mamma is so ugly, the doctor’s still smacking her ass.
your mamma is so funky, she used secret and it told on her.
your mamma’s drawls is so funky, roaches checkin’ in but not out.
your mamma is so fat, can’t wear daisy dukes, wears boss hoggs.
your mamma is so fat, police use her as a road block.
your mamma is so fat, needs a six-piece bikini.
your mamma is so old, she reads the bible and reminises.
your mamma’s cooking is so bad, the homeless gives it back.
your mamma is so short, her feet swings on the toilet.

One of my

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One of my friends works in the customer service call center of a national pager company. He deals with the usual complaints regarding poor pager operation, as well as the occasional crank caller demanding to be paged less often, more often, or by more interesting people. The best call came from a man who repeatedly complained that he keeps being paged by “Lucille.” He was instructed that he would have to call her and tell her to stop paging him. “She don’t never leave no number, so I can’t call her back,” he said. After three such calls, someone thought to ask how he knew it was Lucille if she didn’t leave a number. “She leaves her name,” was the reply. After establishing that the customer had a numericonly pager, the light bulb came on. “How does she spell her name?” the service rep asked. “L-O-W C-E-L-L” Another problem solved.

Vaseline

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A man dressed in a suit comes up to the front porch of house juggling a clipboard, some papers, and a briefcase. He knocks on the door and it’s answered by a middle-aged man, “Mornin’ stranger, what can I do for ya?”.

“Well sir, I represent Schneller, Barnum, and Holtz. We’re paid by private companies to canvas thousands of consumers like yourself for feedback on their products. Today we’re soliciting comments on Vaseline petroleum jelly. Would you have time to answer just a couple of questions?”

“I don’t see how a couple of questions could hurt, fire away young man”, says the homeowner.

Looking down at his clipboard, the survey-taker asks, “Okay…first, you do use Vaseline, correct?”

“Yessir, for as long as I can remember”.

“Great, now what exactly do you use it for?” replies the survey-taker with his pen poised over his clipboard, ready to record the answer.

“Let’s see…..we use it for dry skin, chapped lips, and sex.”

The well-dressed man stops writing abruptly. He looks around, leans forward and in a low voice says “We pride ourselves in being very thorough sir. I know how you’d use Vaseline for dry skin and chapped lips. But would you mind telling me how you use it for sex?”

“No problem,” the homeowner says in a whisper, “we put it on our bedroom doorknob”.

The survey-taker gets a strange look on his face and takes a step backwards before the homeowner continues, “It keeps the kids out”.

Blonde Husband

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A blond guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

“What’s up?” he says.

“I’m having a heart attack,” cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he’s dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, “Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted is hiding in your wardrobe and he’s got no clothes on!”

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.

“You bastard,” says the husband, “my wife’s having a heart attack and you’re running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!”

Pop Quiz Triva

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The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time
television were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

Coca-Cola was originally green.

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US
Treasury.

It is possible to lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs.

Smartest dogs: 1) Scottish border collie; 2) Poodle; 3) Golden
retriever. Dumbest: Afghan hound.

Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters.

Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better.

Amount American Airlines saved in 1987 by eliminating one olive
from each salad served in first class: $40,000

City with the most Rolls Royce’s per capita: Hong Kong

State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work:
Alaska

Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%
Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

Average number of days a West German goes without washing his
underwear: 7

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

The world’s youngest parents were 8 and 9 and in lived in China
in 1910.

The youngest pope was 11 years old.

Iceland consumes more Coca-Cola per capita than any other
nation.

First novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

A duck’s quack doesn’t echo, and no one knows why.

The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a
letter is uncopyrightable.

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king
from history. Spades – King David, Clubs – Alexander the Great,
Hearts – Charlemagne, and Diamonds – Julius Caesar.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

“I am.” is the shortest complete sentence in the English
language.

Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

The Rules of Writing

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1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. And don’t start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They’re old hat)
6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
7. Be more or less specific.
8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
10. No sentence fragments.
11. Contractions aren’t necessary and shouldn’t be used.
12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it’s highly
superfluous.
14. One should NEVER generalize.
15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
16. Don’t use no double negatives.
17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be ignored.
21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however
should be enclosed in commas.
22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
23. Kill all exclamation points!!!
24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
25. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth
earth-shaking ideas.
26. Use the apostrophe in it’s proper place and omit it when its not
needed.
27. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “I hate quotations.
Tell me what you know.”
28. If you’ve heard it once, you’ve heard it a thousand times: Resist
hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
31. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
32. Who needs rhetorical questions?
33. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

And finally…

34. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Dead Lawyer

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A guy phones a law office and says: “I want to speak to my lawyer.”

The receptionist replies “I’m sorry but he died last week.” The next day he phones again and asks the same question.

The receptionist replies “I told you yesterday, he died last week.” The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer.

By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says “I keep telling you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?”

The guy says, “Because I just love hearing it.”

Economia Tradicional: Tienes 2 vacas.

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Economia Tradicional: Tienes 2 vacas. Vendes 1 y te compras un Toro. Tu reba�o se multiplica y la econom�a crece. Las vendes y te jubilas con los beneficios.

Corporaci�n Americana: Tienes 2 vacas, vendes una y fuerzas a la otra a producir la leche de 4. Te sorprendes cuando la misma muere extenuada.

Corporaci�n Japonesa: Tienes 2 vacas, las redise�as para que tengan una d�cima parte de su tama�o y produzcan 20 veces mas leche, luego inventas un programa llamado Vakemon y lo vendes a todo el mundo.

Corporaci�n Alemana: Tienes 2 vacas. Haces una re-ingenier�a de las vacas para que vivan 100 a�os, coman una vez al mes y se orde�en solas.

Corporacion Colombiana: Tienes 2 vacas, 18000 soldados para protegerlas, 373 agentes de la DEA vigilando el proceso. Decides venderlas al narcotrafico para poder pagar los soldados. Pides mas vacas al congreso Norteamericano.

Corporacion Rusa: Tienes 2 vacas. Las cuentas y llegas a la conclusi�n que tienes 5. Las vuelves a contar y dices que tienes 42. Las cuentas una ultima vez y llegas al numero 12. Luego dejas de contar y te tomas otra botella de Vodka.

Corporacion Argentina: Ten�as 20 Mil vacas, todas pertenec�an a Argentina, ten�as un crecimiento econ�mico alto. Vendiste todas las vacas, te robaste la plata, luego te casas con Cecilia Boloco.

Corporacion Judia: Tienes 2 vacas en tu territorio: una judia y una palestina, tratas de repartir el pasto para alimentarlas, pero es imposible negociar con ellas, se genera un conflicto y una de ellas se hace Vaca-bomba. �PUM! te quedas sin vacas…

Corporacion Taliban: Tienes 2 vacas. Les ense�as a volar aviones.

Corporacion Hindu: Tienes 2 vacas. Las adoras.

Corporacion Jamaiquina: Tienes 2 vacas las 2 con Bozales. Tu negocio es la hierba, no las vacas.

Corporacion Africana: No te preocupes, no tendr�as vacas.

Corporacion Centroamericana: Tienes dos vacas, las llamas reses y las pones a jugar en el campeonato de futbol local.