Q. what is the definition of a menstrual period?
a. a bloody waste of f****** time.
Author: admin
How to live Happily Ever After
For all you aspiring knights in shining armor and beautiful
damsel wannabees, if you would like to achive the fabled Happily
Ever After in your life, just follow these simple instructions.
~For guys looking for a girl~
1) Buy the fanciest, shiniest armor money can buy. If it’s not
white, spray-paint it. Ditto for a valiant steed.
2) Look for the ugliest fortuneteller on the block, and ask
where the nearest maiden is.
3) Snore through her 15 minute fairytale, and head off in any
direction.
4) Look for any lone tower that was built in the middle of
nowhere for no known purpose whatsoever.
5) Rescue the maiden by paying off the resident dragon to fake
his death.
6) Seek out some contraceptives after you bring her home.
~For girls looking for a guy~
1) Buy the fanciest, softest dress money can buy. If it’s not
white, dye it.
2) Go to the ugliest fortuneteller on the block and ask for
beauty tips. Do the opposite of what she instructs.
3) Have a single tower get built in the middle of nowhere.
4) Make yourself appear to be in distress by paying off the
resident dragon to guard you while you practice sleeping so
you appear to be under a spell.
5) Do not, and I repeat do not, make any sudden moves until
AFTER your valiant knight kisses you.
6) After he takes you to his home, threaten him that if he
would like you to remain a beautiful maiden, that he ought to
search for some contraceptives.
If you follow these quick and easy steps, you will be well
on your way to living Happily Ever After.
Sincerely,
The resident dragon.
The Top 18 Alternative Names for Crayola’s “Indian Red” Crayon
18> Crack Ho Lipstick Red
17> Better-Dead-Than Red
16> The Smudge That Daddy Washes Off His Collar Right After a Business Trip Before Mom Sees Them Red
15> We Got a Bleeder Here! Red
14> Areola
13> McCarthy Red Scare
12> Rockingham Bloody Glove Red
11> Jesse Helms’s Neck Red
10> Systematically Oppressed Indigenous People Who have Been Shafted Out of Land and Portrayed in a Comically Inaccurate Manner Red
9> Extra-Tender, Rare Veal Red
8> Broken Blood Vessels in Ted Kennedy’s Face Red
7> Caved Into Uninformed Politically Correct Nimrods Red
6> Embarrassed Drunken Fighting Irishman Red
5> Baboon Ass Scarlet
4> Enormous Swollen Erection Red
3> Genital-Rash Vermilion
2> Paleface Blood
1> Niggardly Crimson
[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ] [ The Top 5 List [email protected] http://www.topfive.com ]Virginia Pepalini
Three nuns die and go to heaven where they are met by St. Peter
at the pearly gates. St. Pete says, “Ladies, you all led such
wonderful lives, that I’m granting you six months to go back to
Earth and be anyone you want.”
The first nun says, “I want to be Bo Derek,” and POOF she’s gone.
The second says, “I want to be Madonna,” and POOF she’s gone.
The third says, “I want to be Virginia Pepalini.”
St Peter looks perplexed. “Who?” he says.
“Virginia Pepalini.” replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, “I’m sorry, that name just
doesn’t ring a bell.”
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to
St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing.
He hands it back to her and says, “No Sister, this says the
Virginia Pipeline was laid by 500 men in 7 days!”
Glenn Hoddle and da Titanic
What do Glenn Hoddle and da Titanic have in common?
Neither should have left Southampton.
How can you tell that a blonde sent you a fax?
How can you tell that a blonde sent you a fax? It has a stamp on it.
How Seven Dwarves Got Their Name
Ever wonder how the seven dwarves got their names?
Miss Snow White was a randy cow,
And desperate for a fuck.
So off she went into the woods,
To try and get some luck!
She’d almost given up looking,
When she saw some chimney smoke.
Then stumbled on a cottage,
And went in for a poke.
Her clothes came off in seconds.
And she’d just removed her pants,
When seven Dwarves came marching in,
With a merry song and dance.
Snow White just stood there speechless,
And thought she was in heaven!
Originally after one good shag,
But now she could have seven.
Straight away she took command,
“My fanny need a lick!”
And when one dwarf moved forward,
She said “Oi-you’d better drop you pick!”
So down he went onto all fours,
And said “I ain’t licking that!”
“Not there, that me arse-hole,
You DOPEY little brat!”
The next dwarf started blushing,
“Do we have to do it here?”
Snow White said “Don’t be BASHFUL!
Unless you’re fucking queer!”
So reluctantly he whipped it out,
To prove he was no fool.
And Snow White gave a big “Heigh-Ho”
As she rode upon his tool.
Now one dwarf wasn’t smiling,
‘Cos he hadn’t had a sniff.
And due to his impatience,
He couldn’t raise a stiff.
“Relax, you GRUMPY bastard”,
So he did as he was told.
And as soon as he was hard enough,
He shot his fucking load.
The next dwarf got a blow job,
And she took him in quite easy.
But she just avoided brain-damage,
Whe he sneezed, she called him SNEEZY.
With three dwarves left, she turned and said,
“You’re next, I want your knob!”
But no sooner had he entered her,
Than he was sleeping on the job.
“Wake up you SLEEPY idiot”
She wanted more from him.
And he woke with such excitement,
That he filled her hairy quim.
The next dwarf rammed his up her,
And shagged her fanny raw.
And dazed Snow White then whimpered,
“That should be against the law!”
He made poor Snow White tremble,
He was so big and thick.
“No wonder you’re so HAPPY,
With that fucking great big dick.”
With one dwarf still remaining,
But feeling rather sore,
She said “You’ll have to use your tongue,
My clit can’t take no more.!”
And so he put his tongue to work,
Where others had put their cocks.
And ‘cos he made Snow White feel better,
She named the last one DOC.
Now Snow White couldn’t do much,
With all that cum inside her quim,
So she grabbed a cup, and squatted,
And filled it to the brim.
So there’s the truth about the dwarves,
And how they got their names,
By satisfying miss Snow White,
And joining in her games.
There’s one more thing you need to know,
And that’s what happened to that cup?
Well think of what you’re drinking…
When you next buy 7-UP
Star Wars- Sexually Explicit Lines
10. “Get in there you big furry oaf, I don’t care what you smell!”
9. “Luke, at that speed do you think you’ll be able to pull out in time?”
8. “Put that thing away before you get us all killed.”
7. “You’ve got something jammed in here real good.”
6. “Aren’t you a little short for a storm trooper?”
5. “You came in that thing? You’re braver than I thought.”
4. “Sorry about the mess…”
3. “Look at the size of that thing!”
2. “Curse my metal body, I wasn’t fast enough!”
1. “She may not look like much, but she’s got it where it counts, kid.”
Father’s advice
Twenty-four hours before his wedding, a young man asks his dad if he has any fatherly advice to impart before the big day.
�Just two things,� the father says. �First, tell her you must have one night a week to go out with the boys.�
�And what�s the other one?� the son asks.
�Don�t waste it on the boys.�
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Polish Guy At the Beach
A Polish guy is walking along the beach in France. There are many beautiful women lying in the sun, and he really wants to meet one. But try as he might, the women don’t seem to be at all interested. Finally, as a last resort, he walks up to a French guy lying on the beach who is surrounded by adoring women.
“Excuse me,” he says, taking the guy aside, “but I’ve been trying to meet one of those women for about an hour now, and I just can’t seem to get anywhere with them. You’re French. You know these women. What do they want?”
“Maybe I can help a leetle beet,” says the Frenchman. “What you do ees you go to zee store. You buy a leetle bikini sweeming suit. You walk up and down zee beach. You meet girl very qweekly zees way.”
“Wow! Thanks!” says the Polish guy, and off he goes to the store. He buys a skimpy red bathing suit, puts it on, and goes back to the beach. He parades up and down the beach but still has no luck with the ladies.
So he goes back to the Frenchman. “I’m sorry to bother you again,” he says, “but I went to the store, I got a swimsuit, and I still haven’t been able to meet a girl.”
“Okay,” says the Frenchman, “I tell you what you do. You go to zee store. You buy potato. You put potato in sweeming suit and walk up and down zee beach. You will meet girl very, very qweekly zees way.”
“Thanks!” says the guy, and runs off to the store. He buys the potato, puts it in the swimsuit, and marches up and down the beach. Up and down, up and down he walks, but the women will hardly even look at him. After half an hour he can’t take it anymore and goes back to the Frenchman.
“Look,” he says, “I got the suit, I put the potato in it, and I walked up and down the beach– and still nothing! What more can I do?”
“Well,” says the Frenchman, “maybe I can help you a leetle beet.
Why don’t you try moving zee potato to the FRONT of zee sweeming suit?”
Stu Chews Shoes
If Stu chews shoes, should Stu choose the shoes he chews?
Murphy’s Corollaries…
- Murphy’s Corollaries
-
- Nothing is as easy as it looks.
- Everything takes longer than you think.
- If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that
will cause the most severe damage will be the one to go wrong.
(Corollary: If there is a worse time for something to go
wrong, it will happen then.) - Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first.
- Every solution breeds new problems.
- It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.