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The Top 15 Video Games We’d Like to See

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15> Petty Theft: Yugo

14> ‘Roid Rage: Proctologist’s Revenge

13> Where in the World Are Carmen’s Weapons of Mass Destruction?

12> Extreme Shuffleboard 2003!

11> Brut Force: The Co-Worker’s Cologne

10> Blogger

9> Stone Cold’s SCRABBLE Smackdown!

8> Zero West Wing: All Your Civil Rights Are Belong to Us

7> Chronic the Hemphog

6> Stargeezers II: Arthriticon vs. Metamuciloid

5> Panty Raider: Lara Croft’s Cancun Holiday

4> Honkey Thong

3> Tom Clancy’s Rational, Lengthy, Polite Diplomacy

2> Grand Theft Buggy: Amish Country

1> Sim Playing-Outside-Like-a-Normal-Kid

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

Emotional Needs

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Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.” The husband says “WHAT??” The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it. So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife. We’ll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each. And then goes to the Jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says “but you don’t even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it.” The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says “I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register.” The husband says,” no – no – no, honey we’re not going to buy all this stuff.” The wife’s face goes blank. “No honey – I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.” Her face gets really red and she is about to explode and then the Husband says, “You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man!!!

FAMILY STRESS TEST

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How to score: 0 if the statement is never true, 1 if it is rarely true, 2 if
it is sometimes true, and 3 if it is always true.
1. ___ Conversations often begin with “Put the gun down, and then “we can
talk.”
2. ___ the school principal has your number on speed-dial.
3. ___ the cat is on Valium.
4. ___ People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to
speak through clenched teeth.
5. ___ you are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaf.
6. ___ the number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of
people in the family.
7. ___ No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners.
8. ___ “Family meetings” are often mediated by law enforcement officials.
9. ___ you have to check your kid’s day-planner to see if he can take out the
trash.
10.___ No-Doze gives you bulk rates.
How you rate:
30 – A perfect score. Welcome to the neighborhood!
20-29 – You are doing reasonably well, but still have too little going on in
your life. Crank it up.
10-19 – You have mastered some of the aspects of the stress-filled life, but
still have a long way to go. Have you considered a parallel career path?
0- 9 – Enjoying all that extra time? What do you do anyway?

7 Signs you’re at a funeral for a NASCAR fan

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1 ) Casket features GM Goodwrench paint scheme. 2) The deceased is referred to as “being out of provisionals.” 3) Eulogy delivered by Dr. Jerry Punch. 4) Only the first 43 cars are allowed in the procession. 5) Hearse referred to as “pace car.”6) First-time mourners have a yellow “rookie stripe” on the trunk of their cars.7) No coolers over 14 inches allowed in the chapel.

Stray Cat Rules

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Rules for Stray Cats1. Stray cats will not be fed.2. Stray cats will not be fed anything, except dry cat food.3. Stray cats will not be fed anything, except dry cat food moistened with a little milk.4. Stray cats will not be fed anything, except dry cat food moistened with warm milk, yummy treats and leftover fish scraps.5. Stray cats will not be encouraged to make this house their permanent residence.6. Stray cats will not be petted, played with, picked up and cuddled unnecessarily.7. Stray cats that are petted, played with, picked up and cuddled will absolutely not be given a name.8. Stray cats with or without a name, will not be allowed inside the house at any time.9. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house, except at certain times.10. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house, except on days ending in “y”.11. Stray cats allowed inside, will not be permitted to jump up on or sharpen their claws on the furniture.12. Stray cats will not be permitted to, jump up on or sharpen claws on the really good furniture.13. Stray cats will be permitted on all furniture, but must sharpen claws on new .99 sisal-rope cat-scratching post with three perches.14. Stray cats will answer the call of nature outdoors in the sand.15. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the three-piece, high-impact plastic tray filled with Fresh’n’Sweet kitty litter.16. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the hooded litter pan, with a three-panel privacy screen and plenty of head room.17. Stray cats will sleep outside.18. Stray cats will sleep in the garage.19. Stray cats will sleep in the house.20. Stray cats will sleep in a cardboard box lined with an old blanket.21. Stray cats will sleep in the special Kitty-Komfort-Bed with non-allergenic lambs wool pillow.22. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed.23. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed, except at the foot.24. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers.25. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers, except at the foot.26. Stray cats will not play on the desk.27. Stray cats will not play on the desk, near the computer.28. Stray cats are forbidden to walk on the computer keyboard on the desk, when the human is asdfjjhhkl;ljfd.;oier’puyykmm4hb USING IT.

Osama on TV

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Osama Bin Laden has appeared on TV this morning to quell rumours of his death in an explosion yesterday.

To prove that the appearance was not pre-recorded, Osama stated that he: “watched the rugby on Saturday and The Blues were shit.”

UK and US government officials have dismissed the report saying it could have happened any time over the last 2 years.

One hole

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One day a man was golfing when he forgot what hole he was on.

So he went up to the women in front of him and said “Miss im sorry to bother you but i seem to have forgotten what hole im on could you help me?”

The lady in reply said “yes im on the 5th hole and your one hole behind me so you must be on the 4th.”

The man said thanks and went on playing.

Later it happened again so he went to the lady and asked her what hole he was on and she said” Im on the 12 hole and your one hole behind me so you must be on the 11th.

Again the man said thanks and went on playing.

Later after the man had finished golfing he went to the clubhouse to get a beer when he saw the lady sitting at the bar. He went up joined her and started a conversation.

He asked her what she does and she said “im a saleswoman.

Suprised he said i am too

He asked her what he sold and she said if i told you you would only laugh he said no i wont i swear.

so she said “I sell tampons”

with that the man fell to the floor laughing and she said “see i told you you would laugh and he said “Im not laughing because of that Im a toilet paper salesman so Im still one hole behind you.”

The Top 16 Lines You’ll Never Hear in a Western (Part II)

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16> “I reckon I’ll have me a half-caf double latte with a twist. IN A DIRTY MUG!”

15> “Gentlemen, rather than get caught up in mindless reaction, let’s draw upon our feminine selves for a more intuitive solution.”

14> “Can we postpone this duel till 12:05? I gotta use the little boys’ room.”

13> “Injuns! Quick, pull the wagons into an irregular dodecagon!”

12> “Y’know, Badlands Pete… a roaring campfire, good coffee, nice prairie breeze, just you ‘n’ me… what say we put on the rhinestone gowns and dance a jig or two?”

11> “Guns? We don’t need no stinking guns!”

10> “I’m tellin’ ya, I ain’t shot no varmints since them PETA fellers set me straight.”

9> “Let’s see… hardtack and pemmican… that’s three grams of fat, seven grams of protein, and two starches.”

8> “Who let the dogies out?”

7> “You ‘n’ Slim round up them strays, and I’ll tell Cookie to get started on the gazpacho and the fondue.”

6> “That’s him! That’s the yella-bellied varmint who shot my therapist!”

5> “He was a strong man, a good marshal, and I reckon he had a keen eye for interior decoration.”

4> “Hey, Buck, do these chaps make my ass look big?”

3> “Dammit, Jake, yer an enabler!”

2> “It’s like I keep tellin’ ya, Earl: men is from Tombstone, women is from Dodge.”

1> “HANG HIM HIGH, BOYS!! …Okay, now a little to the left… Oooh! Stop right there. Perfect!”

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]

YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK……..

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YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK…..

The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.

You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front
of her kids.

Last year you hid Easter eggs under cow pies.

You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You think a woman who is “out of your league” bowls on a different night.

Jack Daniels makes your list of “Most Admired People.”

You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.

You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, “Hey, y’all watch this!”

You’ve got more than one brother named ‘Darryl.’

You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

Your wife’s hairdo was once ruined bya ceiling fan.

You go to your family reunion looking for a date.

Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.

You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, “Gentlemen, start
your engines.”

You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

You take a six-pack cooler to church.

You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.

The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much
gas it has in it.

You have to go outside to get something out of the ‘fridge.

One of your kids was born on a pool table.

Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.

You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House
of Tattoos.

You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.

Ya can’t get married to yer sweetheart ’cause there’s a law against it.

You dated one of your parents’ current spouses in high school.

You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

Your school fight song is “Dueling Banjos.”

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.