The Smuggler

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He’s got two large bags over his shoulders.

The guard stops him and says, “What’s in the bags?”
“Sand,” answered Juan.

The guard says, “We’ll just see about that – get off the bike!”
The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.
He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.
The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man’s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, “What have you got?”
“Sand,” says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.
He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events is repeated every day for three years.
Finally, Juan doesn’t show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.

“Hey, Buddy,” says the guard, “I know you are smuggling something. It’s driving me crazy. It’s all I think about…..
I can’t sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?”

Juan sips his beer and says, “Bicycles.”

Hormone Hostage

Every “hormone hostage” knows that there are days in the
month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he
takes his life in his hands. This is a handy guide that
should be as common as a driver’s license in the wallet of
every husband, boyfriend, or male child.

DANGEROUS: What’s for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

DANGEROUS: Why are you so worked up?
SAFER: Could we be over-reacting?
SAFEST: Here’s fifty dollars.

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?!?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn’t overdo it today.
SAFEST: I’ve always loved you in that robe.

HEADLINES

HEADLINES

1. Heroic dog drags problem child back into burning building.
2. Solar eclipse � Public says affirmative action taken overboard.
3. Half bodied lady rolls to Zimbabwe for free water.
4. Dead fish threat in sushi shop.
5. Heroic police officer risks life and limb rearming bomb in Mugabe�s suit.
6. Food poisoning caused by raw sushi.
7. Solar eclipse canceled due to full schedule.
8. Gay cow rapes sheep� twice.
9. Cow turns out to be Australian in cow costume.
10. Retard knocked over by parked car.
11. New Zealand man re-united with sheep father.
12. Retard turned fugitive after failed suicide.
13. Happy- unhappy.
14. Baby carrot run over, Doctors fear he could be a vegetable.
15. AIDS aids elderly man, adds seven years to life.
16. Sleeping man died on the job.
17. Iraq! The bomb to be.
18. Miracle leper goes missing after hot water turns to soup.
19. Man loses only left foot.
20. Baby goes missing after mysterious red mark on jet engine.
21. Letter paper cuts tongue. Tongue amputated.
22. English professor proves that �wow� can be written backwards.
23. Cat dies. Owner claims �She still had four lives left�.
24. Cradle snatcher �Peter� questioned about missing files.
25. Rolling Stones, 20 die.
26. Bill Cosby sues Trigonometry institute about over use of his name. (Cos b).
27. Miss interpretation of Rolling Stones causes havoc in valley of death.
28. Mom gets heart attack after finding dandruff on girl�s school shoes.
29. Boy found naked, Rabi not far behind.
30. Porno billboard causes 1000 car pileup.
31. Circumcision turns to castration at initiation service Doctor says �It is crime stop.�
32. Well known star goes missing in the night.
33. Girl placed in mental institute after paranoia of grape smell.
34. Flag desecrated homeless kept warm, in prison.

If Men were made by Kodak!

Wouldn’t it be great if men were made by Kodak!

They would automatically shut off when they weren’t being used.
You wouldn’t have to wait for them to recharge after each shot.
They last longer and come with a warranty.
You can try them out first for a two-week trial period and return them if not satisfied with no risks or hassle.
They exist to capture the moment, not ruin it.
They come in fashion colors.
You can keep them in maximum zoom.
They come with replaceable or adjustable parts.
The parts that count are portable.
They don’t mind over-exposure.
They respond to the slightest touch.
The one you want is available at a KMART near you

Mother Teresa’s Constipation

Two nuns walk into a liquor store and one asked the clerk for the biggest bottle of Irish whisky he had.

The clerk replied “Heck no sister, you nuns and aren’t supposed to drink that stuff!”

The nun said “Well my son it is not for us you see, it is for Mother Teresa,” then the nun whispers “She has the constipation.”

The clerk said “Oh, in that case, it’s on the house. Here’s the biggest jug we have.”

The nuns thank him, bless him, and leave.

A few hours later, as the clerk is leaving, he sees the same two sisters in the parking lot, rolling around and drinking the Irish whiskey. Appalled he goes over to them and says “You ladies lied to me! You told me it was for Mother Teresa for her constipation!”

One of the nuns takes another swig, looks up at him and says “You wanna know something buddy? She sure will shit when she sees us!”

Ebonic Lords Prayer

Big Daddy’s Rap – The Lord’s PrayerYo, Bid Daddy upstairs, – Our Father, who art in heavenYou be chillin – Hallowed be thy nameSo be yo hood – Thy Kingdom comeYou be sayin’ it, I be doin’ it – Thy will be doneIn this here hood and yo’s – On earth as it is in heavenGimme some eats – Give us this day our daily breadAnd cut me some slack, Blood – And forgive us our trespassesSos I be doin’ it to dem dat diss me – As we forgive those who trespass against usDon’t be pushing me into no jive – And lead us not into temptationand keep dem Crips away – But deliver us from evil’Cause you always be da Man – For thine is the Kingdom, the power and the glory, forever and ever.aiight

Ebonics As a Second Language

A FRIEND OF MINE HAS AN 18 YEAR OLD SON NAMED LEROY. HE ATTENDS OAKLAND HIGH SCHOOL WHERE THEY TEACH EBONICS AS A SECOND LANGUAGE. LAST WEEK HE WAS GIVEN AN EASY HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT. ALL HE HAD TO DO WAS PUT EACH OF THE FOLLOWING WORDS IN A SENTENCE. THIS IS WHAT LEROY DID.

1. RECTUM: I HAD TWO CADILLACS, BUT MY OL’LADY RECTUM BOTH.

2. HOTEL: I GAVE MY GIRLFRIEND DA CRABS AND THE HOTEL EVERYBODY.

3. ODYSSEY: I TOLD MY BRO, YOU ODYSSEY THE JUGS ON THIS HOE.

4. STAIN: MY MOTHER-IN-LAW AXED IF I WAS STAIN FOR DINNER AGAIN.

5. SELDOM: MY COUSIN GAVE ME TWO TICKETS TO THE KNICKS GAME, SO I SELDOM.

6. PENIS: I WENT TO DA DOCTOR AND HE HANDED ME A CUP AND SAID PENIS.

7. CATACOMB: DON KING WAS AT THE FIGHT THE OTHER NIGHT, MAN, SOMEBODY GIVE THAT CATACOMB.

8. FORCLOSE: IF I PAY ALIMONY THIS MONTH, I’LL HAVE NO MONEY FORCLOSE.

9. UNDERMINE: THERE IS A FINE LOOKIN’ HOE LIVIN’ IN THE APARTMENT UNDERMINE.

10. TRIPOLI: I WAS GONNA BUY MY OLD LADY A BRA BUT I COULDN’T FINE NO TRIPOLI.

12. DISAPPOINTMENT: MY PAROLE OFFICER TOL ME IF I MISS DISAPPOINTMENT THEY GONNA SEND ME BACK TO THE BIG HOUSE.

13. INCOME: I JUST GOT IN BED WIT DEE HOE AND INCOME MY WIFE.

14. HONOR: AT THE RAPE TRIAL, THE JUDGE AXED MY BUDDY, WHO B HONOR FIRST?

15. FORTIFY: I AXED DA HOE HOW MUCH? AND SHE SAY FORTIFY.

16. ISRAEL: ALONSO TRIED TO SELL ME A ROLEX, I SAID MAN, THAT LOOKS FAKE. HE SAID, NO ISRAEL.

NEEDLESS TO SAY, LEROY GOT AN A.