Author: admin

S�ntomas de que has vivido

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S�ntomas de que has vivido en los 90

Tratas de ingresar tu clave en el microondas.
No has jugado al solitario con cartas de verdad hace a�os.
Tienes una lista de 15 n�meros de tel�fono para contactar a 3 amigos.
Mandas un email a tu compa�ero de trabajo sentado en el escritorio de al lado para preguntarle si sale a comer; y lo peor es que te responde con otro email.
Chateaste muchas veces con un extra�o de Sud�frica y no has hablado nunca con tu vecino.
Lees la mayoria de los chistes y bromas en p�ginas web o mails en vez de ser en persona.
Vuelves a casa y cuando suena el tel�fono contestas con el nombre de tu compa��a.
Cuando haces una llamada telefonica desde tu casa muchas veces marcas accidentalmente el 9 para tomar l�nea.
A medida que vas leyendo esta lista afirmas con la cabeza y sonr�es.
Mientras lees esta lista piensas en pasarla al grupo “Amigos que les mandas chistes”.
Se te cruza por la mente que tu grupo ya ley� la lista en alg�n lugar; pero no importa, la mandas igual.

Bag of Sand for Lion

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Three guys, a red head, a brunet, and a blond, are walking in the forest.
The red head is carrying a rifle, the brunet a bottle of oil and the blond
a bag of sand.

The brunet and the blond asks the red head, “Why are you carrying a
rifle?” The red head replies, “If a lion were to chase me, I would shoot
it.”

The red head and the blond ask the brunet, “Why are you carrying a bottle
of oil?” The brunet replies, “If a lion were to chase me, I would spill
the oil on the ground and it would slip and fall.”

The read head and the brunet asks the blond, “Why are you carrying a bag
of sand?” The blond replies, “If a lion were to chase me, I would drop the
bag of sand and I’d be able to run faster!”

Something Is Wrong!

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A man walked into a crowded doctor’s office. As he approached the desk,
the receptionist asked “Yes sir, may we help you?”

“There’s something wrong with my dick.” He replied.

The receptionist became aggravated and said, “You shouldn’t come into a
crowded office and say things like that.”

“Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you.” He said.

“We do not use language like that here.” She said. “Please go outside and
come back in and say that there’s something wrong with your ear or
whatever.”

The man shrugged his shoulders, walked out, waited several minutes and
re-entered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, “Yes?”

“There’s something wrong with my ear.” He stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly. “And what is wrong with your ear,
sir?”

“I can’t piss out of it.” The man replied.

Save your sanity

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1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it “in”.

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6. In the memo field of all your checks, write “for sexual favors”.

7. Finish all your sentences with “in accordance with the prophecy”.

8. Dont use any punctuation marks

9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

11. Specify that your drive-through order is “to go”.

12. Sing along at the opera (or to the classical station on your radio).

13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don’t rhyme.

14. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can’t attend their party because you’re not in the mood.

16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard Kim.

17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream “I won!”, “I won!” “3rd time this week!”

18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling “run for your lives, they’re loose!”

19. Tell your children over dinner. “due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.”

20. Dress up like a pilot, go to the airport lounge and get drunk like hell.

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Indifferent

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One day, during English class, Miss Figpot asked her class, “Who can tell me the meaning of indifferent?”

The class fidgets a little, and they all look at one another. No one knows.

Finally, Little Johnny puts up his hand.

The teacher, hesitant to call on him because of his propensity for foul language and sexual innuendo, looks for another student to ask.

Finally, when no one else raises their hand, she says, “Yes, Johnny?”

“Miss Figpot, it means lovely.”

Relieved, but a little puzzled, the teacher says, “Johnny, can you explain why you think indifferent means lovely?”

“Sure, teach. Last night when I was in bed, I heard Mommy say, ‘That’s lovely’. Then Daddy said, ‘Yep, it’s in different.'”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo

The Layoff

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The LayoffBoss, to four of his employees: ”I’m really sorry, but I’m going to have to let one of you go.”Black Employee: ”I’m a protected minority.”Female Employee: ”And I’m a woman.”Oldest Employee: ”Fire me, buster, and I’ll hit you with an age discrimination suit so fast it’ll make your head spin.”…To which they all turn to look at the helpless young, white, male employee, who thinks a moment, then responds: ”I think I might be gay…”

The Herald Sun’s 25 Best Newspaper Headlines of 20

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1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say
2. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
4. Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case
5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
6. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
7. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
8. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
9. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
10. Teacher Strike Idles Kids
11. Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead
12. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
13. Miners Refuse to Work After Death
14. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
15. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
16. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
17. War Dims Hope for Peace
18. If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
19. Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
20. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
21. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
22. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space
23. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
24. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
25. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Not worth the Money

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There once was a thirty-five year old man named Kevin. He
decided that he was fed up with his work so he quit and traveled
around the world. After a month he ended up in a small town in
the middle of nowhere. There he discovered he was almost out of
money and all his credit cards were maxed out. With nowhere to
go and nothing to do, Kevin ended up wandering around the town.
He walked by a loud bar with men inside hollering and hooting,
just like any other bar in town. Kevin was about to continue
when he noticed a large container filled with money on the
counter. Curious, he wandered in and made his way up to the
bartender.

“Excuse me sir, I was just passing by and I noticed that large
container of money. May I ask what it’s for?” Kevin asked.

“Well, there’s a rottwieller out back who needs a tooth pulled,
then an old lady upstairs who needs an orgasm. If you help them
out, you get the money.” Kevin decided that even though he was
almost totally broke, it wasn’t worth the money, so he left.

A few hours later he returns to the bar, VERY drunk after
spending all of his remaining money on beer. He approaches the
bartender and asks if the money offer was still up. The
bartender says yes and shows him where the rottwieller is then
quickly goes back inside to get out of reach of the angry dog.

For almost an hour the bartender can hear growls and yells and
whimpers and barks. Finally Kevin comes back in with his clothes
all ripped and torn, and his face all covered in blood and mud.

“Alright.” Kevin says. “Now where’s the old lady who needs her
tooth pulled.”

Buying Gifts for Men

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Ladies: Need help Gift Shopping for the man in your life? Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women. Follow these rules and you should have no problems.

Rule #1: When in doubt – buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

Rule #2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words “Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?” “OK. By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?” Again, no one knows why.

Rule #3: If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car, a 99 cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

Rule #4: Never buy men bathrobes. Once I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn’t have invented Jockey shorts.

Rule #5: You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.

Rule #6: Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after-shave or deodorant. I’m told they do not stink – they are earthy.

Rule #7: Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. “Socks. Shorts. Cups. saucers. Door. Lock. Sink.” You get the idea. No one knows why. (ABSOLUTELY TRUE!!)

Rule #8: Never buy a man anything that says “some assembly required” on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over. No one knows why.

Rule #9: Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sears Clearance Centers are also excellent men’s stores.) It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t know what it is. (“From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn’t this a starter for a ’68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! thanks.”)

Rule #10: Men enjoy danger. That’s why they never cook – but they will barbecue. (No one knows why) Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. “Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?”

Rule #11: Tickets to a Cowboys game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to “A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts.” Everyone knows why.

Rule #12: Men love chain saws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chain saw. If you don’t know why – please refer to Rule #7 and what happens when he gets a label maker.

Rule #13: It’s hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a stepladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.

Rule #14: Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8″ manila rope. No one knows why.