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Un t�o va a casa de un amigo y ve que hay un cerdo zascandileando por ah� y le dice al t�o:
“Pero bueno, c�mo que estas viviendo con un cerdo…”
El otro le responde: “Pues ya ves, es cuesti�n de organizarse.”
Y vuelve a preguntar: “Pero, pero… �c�mo puedes vivir con un animal as� de guarro, que no se lava en toda su vida y lo �nico que hace es oler a mierda?”
Y le responde el amigo: “Uno se acostumbra…”
Le interrumpe el otro: “�No, no, pero si le decia al cerdo!”
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer
in public schools.
John gets a call from his blonde girlfriend, Buffy. “I’ve got a
problem,” says Buffy. “What’s the matter?” asks John.
“Well, I’ve bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it’s too hard. None
of the pieces fit together and I can’t find any edges.”
“What’s the picture of?” asks John. “It’s of a big Rooster,”
replies Buffy. “All right,” says John, “I’ll come over and have
a look.”
So he goes over to Buffy’s house and Buffy greets him saying,
“thanks for coming over.” Buffy leads John into her kitchen and
shows him the jigsaw on the kitchen table. John looks at the
jigsaw and then turns to Buffy and says, “For Pete’s sake – put
the Cornflakes back in the Box.”
You’re so fat, when you sleep over someone’s house, you sleep OVER someone’s
house!
There are two theories to arguing’ with a woman; neither one works.
Don’t worry about biting’ off more than you can chew, your mouth is probably a
whole lot binger�s you think.
If you get to thinking’ you’re a person of some influence, try ordering’
somebody else’s dog around.
After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring.
He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
The moral: When you’re full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging’.
Never smack a man who’s chewing’ tobacco.
It don’t take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
Never follow good whiskey with water, unless you’re out of good whiskey.
Good judgment comes from experience; experience comes from bad judgment.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.
If you’re riding’ ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to
make sure it’s still there.
When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don’t be
surprised if they learn their lesson.
When you’re throwing’ your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by
somebody else.
Letting’ the cat outtalk the bag is a whole lot easier ‘n putting’ it back
in.
Always take a good look at what you’re about to eat. It’s not so important
to know what it is, but it’s critical to know what it was.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in
your pocket.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
A man suspected his wife of seeing another man. So, he hired a famous Chinese detective, Mr. Sui Tansow Pok, to watch and report any activities that might develop. A few days later, he received this report:
Most honorable sir:
You leave house.
He come house.
I watch.
He and she leave house.
I follow.
He and she get on train.
I follow.
He and she go in hotel.
I climb tree-look in window.
He kiss she.
She kiss he.
He strip she.
She strip he.
He play with she.
She play with he.
I play with me.
fall out of tree, not see.
……NO FEE
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men saying the following;
“Emma come first. Denna I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Denna I come once-a more.”
“You fowl-mouthed swine,” retorted the lady indignantly. “In this country we don’t talk about our sex lives in public!”
Hey, coola down lady,” said the man, “Imma justa tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi.”
How do you make a baby drink? Stick it in the blender.
** How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? How many can you afford?** How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to climb the ladder, one to shake it, and one to sue the ladder company.** If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
A guy pulls into a little town, and every hotel room is taken.
He says to the last hotel clerk, “You’ve gotta have a room somewhere. Or just a bed, please, I’m really beat.”
The clerk says, “Well, I do have a double room with only one occupant, and I’m sure he’d be glad to split the cost. But he snores so loudly that the people in the adjoining rooms have been complaining all week.”
The guy says, “No problem, I’ll take it.” The next morning the guy comes down to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed.
The manager says, “How’d you sleep with him snoring?”
The guy says, “I shut him up quick.”
The manager says, “How’d you do that?”
The guy says, “He was already in bed snoring away when I came into the room. So I went over, gave him a big kiss on the cheek, and said, ‘Good night, beautiful.’
And he sat up and watched me all night.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Clark Kent
Knock KnockWho’s there?Zebulon!Zebulon who?Zebulon to me!
Subject: The Alaska Department of Fish and Game recently issued
this bulletin:
In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear
conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising
hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and
keep alert of bears while in the field.
We advise outdoorsmen to wear noisy little bells on their
clothing so as not to startle bears that aren’t expecting them.
We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in
case of an encounter with a bear.
It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear
activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between
black bear and grizzly bear manure: Black bear manure is smaller
and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear
manure has little bells in it and smells like pepper-spray.”