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Author: admin
Drunk Harry comes home
Every night after dinner, Harry took off for the local watering hole. He spent the whole evening there and arrived home, well inebriated, around midnight each night. He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened. His wife, who was waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry continued his nightly routine. One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband’s behavior and was particularly distraught by it all. The friend listened to her and then said, “Why don’t you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don’t you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways.” The wife thought that might be a good idea. That night, Harry took off again after dinner. At about midnight, he arrived home, in his usual condition. His wife heard him at the door, quickly went to it, opened the door and let Harry in. This time, instead of berating him as she had always done, she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a little while, she said to him, “It’s pretty late, dear. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don’t you think?” At that, Harry replied in his inebriated state, “I guess we might as well. I’ll get in trouble when I get home anyway!
Ten Things a Guy Learned From Action Movies
11. When I shoot people, they will die quickly and cleanly, and I will never be arrested or troubled by their widowed wife and children. When people shoot me, however, I will at most receive a ‘flesh wound,’ which will be tended to by a beautiful woman.12. Nuclear weapons will never go off because something will always happen about three seconds before one does to stop it from exploding.13. If an aged scientist is involved in any way, he will have a beautiful daughter who will gaze at me adoringly.14. If royalty is involved, it will include a beautiful princess who will gaze at me adoringly.15. If I have a kid partner, he will be tightly-muscled, clean-cut, and gaze at me adoringly.16. If I am asked to compete against a world champion at any sport or game of any type, I will win. This will infuriate my opponent, who will then try to kill me.17. If my opponent has a side-kick or henchman, he will never have a sensible name like ‘Rick,’ or ‘Steve.’18. Beautiful women will frequently furrow their brows with concern and ask, “When’s the last time you got any sleep?” They will never ask when I last bathed or used the toilet, although I apparently never do those things either.19. The aliens will always be overpowered by the humans in the end though their fighting may result in a lot of casualties and destruction.20. If everyone in a team dies, it’s the last man’s job to win the fight against his enemy.
Dirty poem contest
A guy and a girl are having sex when they both say, “I’m really hungry and thirsty too.
It was freakin’ freezing in the house so they both have an argument over who should go get the food and drink.
After a while they decide to have a contest. Whoever can come up with the best poem would be the one to stay in bed.
They both think for a while when the guy says, “Okay, I got one. Two times two is four plus five is nine, I can pee in yours but you can’t pee in mine.”
So she thinks for a minute and says, “Okay two times two is four plus five is nine, I know the length of yours but you’ll never know the depth of mine.”
Clinton farting during his press conference today.
Q: Did you hear about Clinton farting during his press conference today?
A: It got picked up by the microphones and went out over TV.
It’s a good thing that
It’s a good thing that William Ewart Gladstone is dead.
He’s been buried an awful long time.
Types of Men Pissers
Absent Minded: Opens his vest, pulls out his tie, and pisses in his pants.
Clever: Uses no hands, shows off by fixing tie with both hands, looks around for admiration, and sometimes ends up pissing on the floor and onto his shoes.
Cross-eyed: Looks into urinal on the left, pisses into the one in the center, and flushes the one on the right.
Desperate: Waits in a long time, teeth floating and feet shuffling. Starts to piss as he walks up to urinal but before he can unzip himself. Lets out a long groan and grunt as he finally gets to relieve himself.
Disgruntled: Stands for a while, grunts, gives up, and walks away.
Drunk: Holds left thumb in right hand and pisses into his pants.
Easily induced: Any thought, mention, sight, or slosh of a liquid, from sipping coffee to a runny nose, causes bladder to immediately signal full condition.
Efficient: Waits until he has to crap, then does both at once.
Erect: Either because his bladder is full or he just saw a sexy woman, his penis is so erect that he must thrust his buttocks backward a bit to be able to pull his member out of his pants. Gets pubic hair caught up in his zipper.
Excitable: Shorts half twisted around, cannot find the hole, and ends up ripping his shorts or jamming the zipper into his shirttail.
Flashy: Tells loud jokes while pissing; shakes off drops with a great flourish.
Frivolous: Plays stream up and down and across the urinal. Likes to see how many bubbles he can make froth up. Tries to hit and sink the cigarette floating around in the water. Has never really grown up.
Indifferent: If all the urinals are being used, he goes into a toilet stall to piss. If all the toilet stalls are taken also, he pisses into the sink or garbage can.
Little: Stands on a box to piss into the urinal, falls in, drowns.
Nosey: Looks into the next urinal to compare himself with the other guy’s organ.
Patient: Stands very close for a long time waiting, reading the paper with his free hand.
Playful: Spots a friend’s shoes under the divider wall and redirects aim accordingly.
Scientific: Backs up from the urinal to take a long shot, misses, and pisses on shoes.
Slob: Does not bother to flush urinal after using it, drips all over his shoes and pants when zipping himself back up, and does not bother to wash hands as he leaves with his fly undone. Usually has to adjust his balls afterwards as he is sitting down.
Sneak: Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, and knows that the man next to him will be blamed.
Sociable: Joins friends in piss whether he has to go or not.
Timid: Cannot urinate if someone is watching, pretends to, and then flushes the urinal as if he has already used it. Sneaks back in once everyone has left the restroom.
Tough: Bangs dick against side of urinal to dry it.
Worried: Is not sure of what he has been into lately and makes a quick inspection.
Randy the Rooster
This farmer has about 200 hens but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster. The other farmer says, “Yeah, I’ve got this great rooster named Randy; he’ll service every chicken you got, no problem.”
Well, Randy the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he’d be worth it , and buys Randy. The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard, giving the rooster a pep talk, “Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You’ve got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money, and I need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun,” the farmer said with a chuckle.
Randy seemed to understand so the farmer points toward the henhouse and Randy took off like a shot. Wham! He nails every hen in there three or four times, and the farmer is just shocked. Randy runs out of the henhouse and sees a flock of geese down by the lake, Wham! He gets all the geese. Randy’s now up in the pigpen, then he does it with the cows.
Randy jumps every animal the farmer owns….Wham..Wham…Bang..Bang. The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won’t even last the day. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed, and wakes up the next day to find Randy dead as a doorknob, stone cold, in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead.
The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful animal, shakes his head and says, “Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down — now look what you’ve done to yourself.”
Randy opens one eye, nods toward the sky, and says, “Shhh, old man…. they’re getting closer…..”
Your daddy is soo bald
Your daddy is so bald that when he puts on a turtle-neck he looks like a broken condom!
Box Office
As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the
passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc. Finally, she said, “Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell and crew take you safely to your destination.”
Joe, sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, “Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?”
When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said, “Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?”
“Yes,” said the attendant, “In fact, this entire crew is female.”
“My God,” said Joe, “I’d better have two scotch and sodas. I don’t know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit.”
“That’s another thing sir,” said the attendant, “We no longer call it the
cockpit, Now it’s the ‘box office’.”
Submitted by Gravedigger
Edited by Curtis
Light bulb
Q: How many Keynesian economists does it takes to change a light bulb?
A: All. Because then you will generate employment, more consumption,
dislocating the aggregate demand to the right.
Aggies go Ice Fishing
Two Aggies decide they want to go ice fishing so they gather together all their gear, get bundled up nice and warm, and head out onto the ice.
As they were attempting to cut a hole through the ice, they suddenly hear a voice from the heavens “There are no fish under the ice!”
They stopped, looked at one another, shrugged their shoulders, shook their heads and continued to cut the hole in the ice.
Suddenly, the voice from above again says, this time with more authority, “There are no fish under the ice!!!”
The two aggies looked at one another again, couldn’t figure it out, and continued to cut the hole in the ice.
Then the voice from above says, “Gentlemen, this is the mall manager! There are no fish under the ice!!!!”