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The Top 15 Video Games We’d Like to See

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15> Petty Theft: Yugo

14> ‘Roid Rage: Proctologist’s Revenge

13> Where in the World Are Carmen’s Weapons of Mass Destruction?

12> Extreme Shuffleboard 2003!

11> Brut Force: The Co-Worker’s Cologne

10> Blogger

9> Stone Cold’s SCRABBLE Smackdown!

8> Zero West Wing: All Your Civil Rights Are Belong to Us

7> Chronic the Hemphog

6> Stargeezers II: Arthriticon vs. Metamuciloid

5> Panty Raider: Lara Croft’s Cancun Holiday

4> Honkey Thong

3> Tom Clancy’s Rational, Lengthy, Polite Diplomacy

2> Grand Theft Buggy: Amish Country

1> Sim Playing-Outside-Like-a-Normal-Kid

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

Before Computers

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An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!
Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy You hoped nobody found out!
Compress was something you did to garbage Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public You’d be in jail for awhile!
Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!
Cut – you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider’s home
And a virus was the flue!
I guess I’ll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head I hear nobody’s been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!

A little girl named Mary

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A little girl named Mary is called Virgin Mary by her mother. This is a skit.Virgin Mary: Mom, can I go play over Jonny’s house?Mother: Sure honey, but be back before dinnertime. ( Mary Leaves ) Dinnertime Rolls Around, and Mary Calls her mother from Jonny’s house. Virgin Mary: (on the phone) Mom, Hey. It’s Virgin Mary. Can I eat at Jonny’s house?Mother: Sure honey, but be back before bedtime. Bedtime Rolls around and mary calls her mom. Virgin Mary: Mom, It’s Virgin Mary.Can I sleep over at Jonnys house?Mother: Sure honey, but be back before breakfast. Virgin Mary sleeps over, and breakfast rolls around. Mary calls her mother from Jonny’s house.Virgin Mary: Hi mom, It’s Mary. Can I eat breakfast at Jonny’s house????????

7 Signs you’re at a funeral for a NASCAR fan

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1 ) Casket features GM Goodwrench paint scheme. 2) The deceased is referred to as “being out of provisionals.” 3) Eulogy delivered by Dr. Jerry Punch. 4) Only the first 43 cars are allowed in the procession. 5) Hearse referred to as “pace car.”6) First-time mourners have a yellow “rookie stripe” on the trunk of their cars.7) No coolers over 14 inches allowed in the chapel.

A Rabbi and a Priest

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A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it’s a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest’s collar and says, “So you’re a priest. I’m a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There’s nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days.”
The priest replies, “I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God.”

The rabbi continues, “And look at this. Here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.” Then he hands the bottle to the priest.

The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest. The priest asks, “Aren’t you having any?”

The rabbi replies, “No…I think I’ll wait for the police.”

Stray Cat Rules

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Rules for Stray Cats1. Stray cats will not be fed.2. Stray cats will not be fed anything, except dry cat food.3. Stray cats will not be fed anything, except dry cat food moistened with a little milk.4. Stray cats will not be fed anything, except dry cat food moistened with warm milk, yummy treats and leftover fish scraps.5. Stray cats will not be encouraged to make this house their permanent residence.6. Stray cats will not be petted, played with, picked up and cuddled unnecessarily.7. Stray cats that are petted, played with, picked up and cuddled will absolutely not be given a name.8. Stray cats with or without a name, will not be allowed inside the house at any time.9. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house, except at certain times.10. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house, except on days ending in “y”.11. Stray cats allowed inside, will not be permitted to jump up on or sharpen their claws on the furniture.12. Stray cats will not be permitted to, jump up on or sharpen claws on the really good furniture.13. Stray cats will be permitted on all furniture, but must sharpen claws on new .99 sisal-rope cat-scratching post with three perches.14. Stray cats will answer the call of nature outdoors in the sand.15. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the three-piece, high-impact plastic tray filled with Fresh’n’Sweet kitty litter.16. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the hooded litter pan, with a three-panel privacy screen and plenty of head room.17. Stray cats will sleep outside.18. Stray cats will sleep in the garage.19. Stray cats will sleep in the house.20. Stray cats will sleep in a cardboard box lined with an old blanket.21. Stray cats will sleep in the special Kitty-Komfort-Bed with non-allergenic lambs wool pillow.22. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed.23. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed, except at the foot.24. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers.25. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers, except at the foot.26. Stray cats will not play on the desk.27. Stray cats will not play on the desk, near the computer.28. Stray cats are forbidden to walk on the computer keyboard on the desk, when the human is asdfjjhhkl;ljfd.;oier’puyykmm4hb USING IT.

Reading in bed

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A college professor’s going to bed with his wife. He’s not that tired, so he’s gonna stay awake and read while she goes to sleep. So he’s reading, and every once in a while he reaches over and tickles her on the fun spot… “Kitza kitza…”

She says, “Will you stop that! Will you stop reaching over here and teasing me like that?”

He says, “I’m not teasing you. I’m wetting my fingers so I can turn the page.”

Pedro est� de noche en

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Pedro est� de noche en el cementerio. De pronto se le aparece un vampiro, y le dice: “Te agachas o te mueres”

Pedro se agacha, y al estar en posici�n, el vampiro se lo empieza a fornicar.

En eso se inicia un di�logo.

“C�mo te llamas?” pregunta el vampiro.

“Pedro.”

“�Eres casado?”

“S�, tengo tres hijos.”

“�Trabajas?”

“S�, de noche.”

“�Cuantos a�os tienes?”

“45.”

“�Ay, Pedro, est�s muy viejo para creer en vampiros!”