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Tapeworm
A guy goes into a doctor office and says, “I think I have a
tapeworm, doctor. I keep eating and eating but I don’t gain any
weight!” The doctor says, “Come see me tomorrow, and bring a
banana, and a cookie.”
So the man buys a banana and a cookie on the way home, and goes
to the doctor the next day. The doctor says to him, “Okay, give
me the banana and the cookie, and pull down your pants.” “Are
you sure?” “Positive.” Grudgingly, he pulls down his pants. The
doctor shoves the banana right up his ass. He waits a few
minutes, and up goes the cookie.
The doctor says, “Okay, now tomorrow, I want you to do the same
thing.” So he does. And this goes on for about a week.
On the second to last day, after treatment, the doctor says,
“For tomorrow, I want you to bring a banana and a hammer.”
Fearing the worst, but wanting to get rid of the tapeworm, the
man does so.
The next day, up goes the banana. The doctor waits a few
minutes, and then out pops a sign that says, “Hey! where’s my
cookie?!” And well, I think you can figure out what the doctor
did with the hammer.
The Top 11 Side Effects of a Life in Comedy
11. Recurring nightmare: as your “Harpo meets Teller” routine is bombing, you realize you’re doing a radio show.
10. Social status one small notch above mimes and rodeo clowns.
9. People always asking, “Ooh, do you know Adam Sandler?”
8. Wizenheimer’s Syndrome
7. You laugh on the outside, but inside harbor a bitter resentment toward people who have enough money for food.
6. Instead of crow’s-feet, you get punchlines.
5. Have to start the day with a couple of quick knock-knock jokes to get rid of “the shakes.”
4. The grandkids keep breaking your dentures trying to wind them up.
3. Mom was right: your face *does* freeze that way, after a couple of decades.
2. You live in constant fear that your friends will discover your inflatable Ernie Kovacs doll.
1. Everything tastes funny.
[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ] [ The Top 5 List [email protected] http://www.topfive.com ]Drug Test (and that little cup)
A few years ago, I applied for a job at Kodak. I made it through all the interviews with flying colours, and the only thing left was the drug test. I was confident in passing, but there was one slight problem: I have *very* shy kidneys. I’ve had to sneak out of the doctor’s office on more than one occasion, because I can’t “go” and fill up a cup on command. Usually, this is a good thing, as I can go to a concert or football game, drink beer all day, and be fine until I get home, while my friends are standing in line in the bathrooms several times during the same time period.So, to prepare, on the morning I had to take the test, I drank my usual 10-cup pot of coffee, and several large glasses of water, and for the 20-minute trip to Kodak, I filled a plastic gallon jug with water, and finished it off on the way. Now, Kodak has huge parking lots, each containg hundreds and hundreds of cars, and by the time I got there, the visitor’s lots were pretty full, and I had to park way in the back.As soon as I got out of my car, I’m thinking, “Good, it worked, I think I can go!” By the time I’d finished the 10-minute walk to the entrance, I was thinking, “Boy, no problems now, I can *definitely* go!”To get in, I had to go past a security hut. I told them why I was there, and they told me where to report, about another 10-minute walk, a little ways into the plant. I had to pass building after building before I got to the right one, every step of the way, becoming actually painful, and before I was there, I was looking at bushes and doorways and the like, thinking, “Well, if it gets too bad, I could go there, or maybe there, or…”By the time I got to the right building, I was just about in agony. I found the right area, and the receptionist told me to take a seat with about 8 other people. I sat down, thinking that would help, but 10 seconds later I was up, walking around, trying to read stuff on the wall, anything to keep my mind occuppied, but managing to read 5 or 10 words, and then having to pace again.Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore, and after having asked the girl a couple of times how long, I told her, “look, either you get me in *now*, or I use the bathroom over there, and we reschedule!!” She said she’d see what she could do, and left. I went back to sit down, and it took all of 5 seconds before I was up pacing again. She came back a few minutes later, and told me to go on in.When I got to the actual room, there were 4 people standing in line. I hopped up and down a couple of times, before I passed the others, went to the nurses, and told them I have to go **NOW**!!! They asked the others in line if anyone objected, and they said no, so they said as soon as one of the 2 bathrooms come free, I could go. I snatched the cup out of his hand, and practically raced down the aisle to the bathrooms and just stood waiting. It couldn’t have been more than 20 seconds or so, but they were some of the most agonizing seconds of my life!!Finally, one of the doors opened, and I nearly flattened some poor girl coming out in my rush to get in. I closed the door, grabbed my pants, breathed in, and dropped them and then my underwear, and then the world caved in… I started going. And going. And going. I could have knocked down the Berlin wall with the force! But the problem was, that I couldn’t “grab” it!! It was whipping around like one of those Water Wiggle things. I’m trying like heck to reign it it in, but just couldn’t. I’m dancing around in a circle, with my pants around my ankles, trying to grab it, and it was just about impossible for probably a good 15 seconds. Finally, I did, and was able to aim in the toilet, just remembering at the end to put a shot or two in the cup to put on the little shelf. By the time I’d stopped, I was physically spent, and just leaned up against the wall, feeling like I’d just run a marathon…It was then that was able to survey the bathroom. It was a room, about 7×7, but my god… I had finished the most intense pee of my life in the john, but before I’d gained control, I’d soaked the entire toilet, the sink, the floor, the walls. You name it, it was drenched — including my pants and underwear. I tried soaking it up with toilet paper (using the whole roll as a sponge), but that was drenched and didn’t work that well. I’d also soaked the extra rolls on the back of the toilet, the paper towel holder, and the extra roll of paper towels. I went through the garbage, pulling out half-soaked old towels, just trying to make the place semi-presentable, as in the sink and the mirror, but it didn’t do much good. I was just ending up pushing the wet around, so I finally gave up.Steeling myself, I pulled up my wet underwear, then my wet pants, and pulled down my semi-wet shirt as much as possible, and went out. I whipped back up the aisle, thanking the nurse, without slowing down, and out the door as fast as my legs would carry me, imagining what the next person to use that bathroom would encounter. The silver lining: I got the job!!
If Men TRULY Ruled The World!
“If Men TRULY Ruled the World!”…
Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the behind and a “Nice hustle, you’ll get’em next time” would pretty much do it.
Valentine’s Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you’d get the day off to go drinking. Mother’s Day too.
St. Patrick’s Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.
Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history!
The only show opposite “Monday Night Football” would be “Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle”.
Instead of “beer-belly”, you’d get “beer-biceps”.
Tanks would be far easier to rent.
Two words…”Ally McNaked”.
Birth control would come in ale or lager.
Garbage would take itself out.
The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
Cop: “You know how fast you were going?”
You: “All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place.”
Cop: “Nice one, That’s $10.00 off”.
People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.
Every man would get four, real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
It would perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said “You’re #1!”.
When your wife/girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she’d appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to “I love you”.
“Sorry I’m late, but I got wasted last night”, would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the “public ugliness” ordinance.
Hallmark would make “Sorry, what was your name again?” cards.
Signs That Technology Has Taken Over Your Life
1.Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty’s address book. The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence,you have conceded that the first page of any letter you write *is* letterhead.
2.You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.
3.You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can’t because there isn’t one typewriter in your house, only computers with laser printers.
4.You think of the gadgets in your office as “friends,” but you forget to send your father a birthday card.
5.You disdain people who use low baud rates.
6.When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers and you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty minutes answering the customers’ questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.
7.You use the phrase “digital compression” in a conversation without thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it.
8.You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the phrase “digital compression.” Everyone understands what you mean, and you are not surprised or disappointed that you don’t have to explain it.
9.You know Bill Gates’ e-mail address, but you have to look upyour own social security number.
10.You stop saying “phone number” and replace it with “voice number,” since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged into contraptions that talk to other contraptions.
11.You sign Christmas cards by putting 🙂 next to your signature.
12.Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever than :-).
13.You back up your data every day.
14.Your wife asks you to pick up some minipads for her at the store and you return with a rest for your mouse.
15.You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.
16.On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.
17.The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely enters your mind.
18.You are able to argue persuasively the Ross Perot’s phrase “electronic town hall” makes more sense than the term “information superhighway,” but you don’t because, after all, the man still uses hand-drawn pie charts.
19.You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit hall in advance. But you cannot give someone directions to your house without looking up the street names.
20.You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.
21.You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you something, but you think it’s okay for a computer to call and demand that you start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more information about the product it is selling.
22.You know without a doubt that disks come in five-and-a-quarter-and three-and-a-half-inch sizes.
23.Al Gore strikes you as an “intriguing” fellow.
24.You own a set of itty-bitty screw-drivers and you actually know where they are.
25.While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia surgeries, you compare mouse-induced index-finger strain with a nine-year-old.
26.You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to say “I don’t know” when someone asks you a technology question instead of feeling compelled to make something up.
27.You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.
28.You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.
29.You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions about which is better, the track ball or the track *pad*.
30.You understand all the jokes in this message. If so, my friend, technology has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own good, that you go lie under a tree and write a haiku. And don’t use a laptop.
Leafy lanes in France
Why are there so many tree lined streets and leafy lanes in France?
Germans like to march in the shade.
Price of gas
I’m not sure if my local gas station owner is being a good business person or just trying to maximize his exploiting of the price of gasoline. His full service line now includes a drive up window to a loan officer.
Pickles
Q:What do you get when you cross a deer and a pickle togehter?
A:A dilldoe!
The Top 14 Revelations in Hillary Clinton’s Autobiography
14> Still suffers from chronic carpal tunnel syndrome from operating strings attached to Bill.
13> At Chelsea’s insistence, every White House Dinner guest list included “Blossom” star Joey Lawrence.
12> Alec Baldwin giggles like a schoolgirl when you tickle his tummy.
11> Is actually the senior senator from New York after kicking Chuck Schumer’s pansy ass in an arm-wrestling match.
10> Chapter three? Written entirely in Pig Latin.
9> Not only was there the stained Lewinsky dress, but Hillary’s lipstick was discovered on a pair of James Carville’s Dockers by reporters who were too revolted to pursue the story.
8> Smuggled out nearly 8000 official White House drink coasters over her husband’s two terms, mostly hidden in her undergarments.
7> Guess who gave her the heads-up on cattle futures? That’s right — Martha Stewart.
6> Successfully battled testicular cancer.
5> She used to fantasize about being the wife of P-funkster George Clinton.
4> Was totally hammered on Jagermeister when she came up with that whole “It takes a village” thing.
3> Pinned Tipper two out of three times in the Presidential Jell-O Wrestling Championship.
2> Once killed a guy with her bare hands after he called her “Mister.”
1> Vehemently opposed President Bush’s plan to drill for oil in the Arctic because she was so tired of the previous president’s constant attempts to drill *her* arctic region.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
Operating systems as beers
VMS Beer — Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top and sipping. However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or contain extremely un-beer-like contents.
I love playing cards with
I love playing cards with children. They can’t tell you’re dealing off the bottom of the deck.Remember: you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar… Of course, how you spend your leisure time is your business.A man’s best friend is his dog. That’s assuming you want a friend who messes on your carpet and drools on your newspaper.If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t be one of those people who immediately quit their jobs. I’d make my boss’s life a living hell for a week or two first.