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The real-estate boss got a hot new secretary, and he decided to put some moves on her. But within a few weeks, he is feeling displeased at the way she is working, not caring, coming to work late, and so on.
Finally, he pulls her aside, and has a little talk with her. “Listen, baby, we may have gone to bed together a few times, but who said you could start coming in late and slacking off?”
The secretary’s reply, “My lawyer!”
A blonde walked into the pet shop and asked the clerk, “How much
does a goldfish cost?” “They’re a dollar a piece.” “I see,” said
the blonde, “and how much does it cost for a whole one?”
Yo mama so fat she jump in the air and got stuck.
The patient’s family gathered to hear what the specialists had to say.
“Things don’t look good. The only chance is a brain transplant. This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves.”
“Well, how much does a brain cost?” asked the relatives.
“For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000.”
All the men nodded in understanding, and a few actually smirked. Then the patient’s daughter asked, “Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?”
“A standard pricing practice,” said the head of the team. “Women’s brains have to be marked down because they’re used.”
Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. “There’s a car being towed from the parking lot,” he said.
“An ambulance just drove by.”
A few moments passed.
“Looks like the Andersons have company,” he called out, “Matt’s riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex.”
Mom and Dad shot up in bed. “How do you know that?” the startled father asked.
“Their kid is standing out on the balcony too,” his son replied.
Mother to daughter.
Your boyfriend such a jerk that I would be delighted to be his mother-in-law.
If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say “Coolwip” on the side……….you might be a Redneck
If your working T.V. sits on top of ur NON-working T.V. ……….you might be a Redneck
If you think a “courter horse” is that ride in front of Kmart……….you might be a Redneck
If the biggest city youve ever been too is Walmart……….you might be a Redneck
“The problem with the designated driver program is it’s not a
desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have
fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong
house.” — Jeff Foxworthy
“Relationships are hard. It’s like a full time job, and we
should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants
to leave you, they should give you two weeks’ notice. There
should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should
have to find you a temp.” — Bob Ettinger
“A study in the Washington Post says that women have better
verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of
that study: — — Duh.” — Conan O’Brien
“Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I’m halfway
through my fish burger and I realize, oh my God…. I could be
eating a slow learner.” —Lynda Montgomery
“The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes
out with a riding vacuum cleaner.” — Roseanne
“I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in
New York said, ‘Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but
it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.'” — Richard Jeni
“Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography.”
— Paul Rodriguez
“My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned
sixty, and that’s the law.” — Jerry Seinfeld
“In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up
quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is
the logic? Do tall people burn slower?” — Warren Hutcherson
“Suppose you were an idiot… And suppose you were a member of
Congress…But I repeat myself.” —Mark Twain
“Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At
least they can find Kuwait.” — A. Whitney Brown
“We have women in the military, but we don’t put them in the
front lines. We don’t know if they can fight or if they can
kill. I think they can. All the general has to do is walk over
to the women and say, ‘You see the enemy over there? They say
you look fat in those uniforms.'” — Elayne Boosler
What’s the difference between a Ford and a golf ball? You can drive a golf ball 200 yards.
A guy and his wife walked into a bar one day, the wife takes a seat and the guy goes up to the bar.
The barman goes over to the guy and asks him what he wants, the guy replies, “I’ll have a bottle of bud and an orange juice for the jackass.”
The barman looks at the guy puzzled but say’s nothing and gives the guy his drink, this happens twice more.
A couple of hours pass and the guy goes to the men’s room and his wife goes up to the bar. This time she orders the drinks.
The barman gets the drinks and says, “It’s probably none of my business, but I think you should know that your husband has been referring to you as the jackass. I just had to tell you because I don’t think it’s very fair for him to call you that.”
The woman turns to him and smiles and says… “Oh, don’t worry, it’s ok – heaw, heaw, he always calls me that!”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
You might be a redneck if…You’ve totaled every car you’ve ever owned. There are more than five McDonald’s bags currently on the floorboard of your car.Momma taught you how to flip a cigarette. There is a wasp nest in your living room. The Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice. You give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday. There has ever been crime-scene tape on your front door. You burn your front yard rather than mow it. You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment
One night a little man was sitting on a stool in a bar and a big man walked in and POW! knocked the little man off the stool and said “that was a judo chop from japan” the little man didnt think much of it and got back on the stool but again POW! the big man knocks the little man off the stool and says “that was a karate chop from korea” this time the little man was annoyed so he left the bar. Five minutes later the little man came back and POW! he knocked the big man off the stool and said to the bartender ” when he gets up tell him that was a crowbar from sears”