Q: How many field service engineers does it take to replace a dead light bulb?A: Who can tell. Field service engineers are always in the dark.
Author: admin
Handcuffs
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his
speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a
ticket for $40 and a photo of his car.Instead of payment, he sent the police
department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from
the police that contained another picture… of handcuffs.The motorist promptly
sent the money for the fine.
Bridge Jumping
There were two men sitting in a bar drinking. One man said to the other “You know what? I know this bridge, where you can jump off and you bounce right back.
” So the other man says, “No way that’s ridiculous. It simply cannot be possible.”
The first replies, “Come on, I’ll show is to you then.”
So the men, both quite tipsy, saunter out of the bar and walk to the bridge. When they arrive at the bridge the first man say�s, “Here I’ll show you how it works.”
So he climbs up on the edge and jumps off. Seconds later low and behold the man seems to just bounce back up astounding the second man.
The second man says “Hey man, do that again! I can’t believe it…” So the first jumps off again and immediately comes flying back up again.
After seeing this the second man decides to give it a try, after all it all seems quite safe, so he climbs up and jumps off.
After a few moments, the second man doesn’t return, so the first man walks back to the bar, sits down and orders another drink.
The bartender after noticing the second man is missing, turns to the first man and says, “Superman, you’re so damn cruel when you’re drunk!”
Ears iz so dirty
that batman thinks its his cave
Rookie Pitcher
A rookie pitcher was struggling at the mound, so the catcher walked up to have a talk with him.”I’ve figured out your problem,” he told the young southpaw.”You always lose control at the same point in every game.” “When is that?” “Right after the National Anthem.”
ATM
The Differences:
HIM:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN number and account
4. Take cash, card and receipt
HER:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Check makeup in rearview mirror
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car because you’re too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for tampon wrapper with PIN number written on it
9. Enter PIN number
10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.
11. Hit “cancel”
12. Re-enter correct PIN number
12A Hit “cancel”
12B Call husband to get correct PIN number
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. STOP
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in gear, reverse
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Travel 3 miles
41. Release parking brake
Q: How many Limbaugh-heads
Q: How many Limbaugh-heads does it take to change a light bulb?A: The number is irrelevant; they just stand around muttering “ditto”. And they don’t do anything in the first place.
During a service at an
During a service at an old synagogue in Eastern Europe, when the Shema
prayer was said, half the congregants stood up and half remained sitting.
The half that was seated started yelling at those standing to sit down, and
the ones standing yelled at the ones sitting to stand up… The
rabbi,learned as he was in the Law and commentaries, didn’t know what to
do. His congregation suggested that he consult a housebound 98 year old
man, who was one of the original founders of their temple. The rabbi hoped
the elderly man would be able to tell him what the actual temple tradition
was, so he went to the nursing home with a representative of each faction
of the
congregation.
The one whose followers stood during Shema said to the old man, “Is the
tradition to stand during this prayer?
The old man answered, “No, that is not the tradition.”
The one whose followers sat said, “Then the tradition is to sit during
Shema!”
The old man answered, “No, that is not the
tradition.”
Then the rabbi said to the old man, “But the congregants fight all the
time, yelling at each other about whether they should sit or stand…” The
old man interrupted, exclaiming, “That is the tradition!”
Upside-down Grave
An old man and woman were married for years even though they
hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and
yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement
was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most. “When I
die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and
haunt you for the rest of your life!”
They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for
missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was
feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.
He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had
a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the
local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.
The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her
neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions, “Are you
not afraid, concerned, worried, that this man who practiced
black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and
out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your
life?”
The wife put down her drink and said, “Let the old fart dig. I
had him buried upside down.”
Celtic really
Q: Do you know what Celtic really stands for?
A: A: Celtic Even Lost To Inverness Caley.
Bill Gates
Proof that Bill Gates is the Devil
The real name of “the” Bill Gates is William Henry Gates III. Nowadays he is known as Bill Gates (III), where “III” means the order of third (3rd.)
By converting the letters of his current name to the ASCII-values and adding his (III), you get the following:
B 66
I 73
L 76
L 76
G 71
A 65
T 84
E 69
S 83
+ 3
—–
666!!
Some might ask, “How did Bill Gates get so powerful?” Coincidence? Or just the beginning of mankind’s ultimate and total enslavement???
Before you decide, consider the following:
M S – D O S 6 . 2 1
77+83+45+68+79+83+32+54+46+50+49 = 666
W I N D O W S 9 5
87+73+78+68+79+87+83+57+53+1 = 666
Coincidence? You decide…
Math one-liner
If parallel lines meet at infinity – infinity must be a very noisy place with all those lines crashing together!