“Doctor, Doctor, You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking!”
“Do you drink a lot?”
“Not really – I spill most of it!”
Author: admin
Race Car
Your mommas like a race car, she burns four rubbers a night
THE JUNGLE
Bush approved of a new method of testing ready-to-eat meat for the potentially
lethal Listeria bacteria found in factories. According to the legislation,
ready-to-eat meat will have to pass standardized tests as part of Bush’s “leave
no hot dog behind,” campaign.
Mark Twain Golf Quote
“Golf is a good walk spoiled.”
Mark Twain
He should be present
Prospective Juror: Judge, I would like to be excused from jury duty because my
wife is about to become pregnant.
Attorney: Judge, he doesn’t mean his wife is about to become pregnant;he means
she is about to deliver.
Judge: He may be excused. In either case he should be present.
Pirate and Lost Body Parts
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, an hook, and an eye patch.
The seaman asks, “So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?”
The pirate replies “We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept over board into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off.”
“Wow!” said the seaman. “What about your hook”?
“Well…”, replied the pirate, “We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords when one of the enemy cut my hand off.”
“Incredible!” remarked the seaman. “How did you get the eye patch”?
“A seagull dropping fell into my eye.”, replied the pirate.
“You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?” the sailor asked increduously.
“Well…”, said the pirate, “..it was also my first day with the hook.”
For the millionth time, stop
For the millionth time, stop exaggerating.
Don’t Let Them Define You
Don’t Let Them Define You
Accept no one’s definition of your life,
but define yourself.
Oral or Anal?
Q: What’s the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A: Oral sex makes your whole day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
Q: How many pessimists
Q: How many pessimists does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: None, it’s a waste of time because the new bulb probably won’t work either.
Unmarried blonde
What do you call an unmarried blonde in a BMW?
Divorcee’
Punny Work
Betsy Ross asked a group of colonists for their opinions of the flag that she had made. It was the first flag poll.
Employees at AAMCO Mufflers complain that it is exhausting work.
When the first marble building was built, everyone took it for granite.
The Janitors Union went on strike demanding sweeping reforms.
The Baker’s Union, however, wanted more dough.
William Canby is credited with inventing the first computing scales, which proves that where there’s a Will, there is a weigh.
Show me a blacksmith who is making hardware for a bathroom, and I’ll show you a man who is forging a head.
The inventor of artificial snow originally called his product Snow Fakes.
Thomas Jack, an Englishman, invented the automated packaging machine which revolutionized commercial sales in 1924. He was known as Jack the Wrapper and he made a bundle.