When I was a kid, I had a pet opossum. He never played dead.
That pissed me off so I had to kill him.
Author: admin
The hardness of the butter
The hardness of the butter is in inverse proportion to the softness of the bread.
Lab mice
Why are they having so much trouble finding a cure for AIDS?
The scientists can’t get the little mice to butt fuck.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo
Shooting par
A retired gentleman spent most afternoons at the local golf course. Every day
he would spend about three hours out on the course, playing a round by himself.
When he would return to the clubhouse, the resident pro would inquire about his
score.
“Ed, how’d you shoot today?” to which the man would always reply, “Another
perfect par.”
The golf pro (being of average intelligence) knew that there was no way the
old man was shooting straight par every day. But since he was a regular
customer, he didn’t want to insult the man by accusing him of lying.
Finally, one day, the pro decided to accompany the old man on his daily round,
just to see for himself.
On the first tee, the older gentleman sliced the ball way off into the rough.
He found his ball, but his second shot was even worse. Finally, putting it into
the first hole (a par 4) took him 8 swings.
The golf pro thought to himself, “I knew it! This guy’s been lying all this
time. There is no way he is gonna shoot anywhere NEAR par.”
They continued on, and the old man’s game stayed the same, never once getting
a par on any one hole. After almost 3 hours, they teed off on the 13th hole. The
old man actually hit it straight down the middle — It was the best shot he had
made all day! He promptly walked down the fairway to his ball, picked it up, and
began walking back to the clubhouse.
The pro was confused. “Hey, that was a great shot! Where are you going now?”
“Oh, I’m done,” the old man replied with a smile. “That shot was number 72 . .
. another perfect par!”
DAD
MY DADS SO BALD, WHEN HE WASHES HIS HAIR HE GETS A BRAIN WASH!HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What did the blonde say after giving birth?…
What did the blonde say after giving birth?
Is it mine?
Short Lawyer Jokes III
Q: Why is it dangerous for a lawyer to walk onto a construction site when plumbers are working?
A: Because they might connect the drain line to the wrong suer.
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
Q: What do you have if three lawyers are buried up to their necks in cement?
A: Not enough cement.
Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell?
A: Another lawyer.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it, and one to kick the stool out from under him.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?
Q: What is the difference between a vulture and a lawyer?
A: The vulture eventually lets go.
Person 1: I’m beginning to think that my lawyer is too interested in making money.
Person 2: Why do you say that?
Person 1: Listen to this from his bill: ‘For waking up at night and thinking about your case: $25.00’.
Some American academics, discussing the Six Day War with an Israeli general, were keen to understand why it had ended so quickly.
“Well,” said the general, “we had a crack regiment at the most sensitive front. It was a special reserve unit made up of lawyers and accountants. When the time came we ordered them to charge–and boy, did they know how to charge.”
A blind rabbit and a blind snake ran into each other on the road one day. The snake reached out, touched the rabbit and said, “you’re soft and fuzzy and have floppy ears. You must be a rabbit.”
The rabbit reached out, touched the snake and said “you’re slimy, beady-eyed and low to the ground. You must be a lawyer.”
A lawyer and a physician had a dispute over precedence. They referred it to Diogenes, who decided in favor of the lawyer as follows: “Let the thief go first, and the executioner follow.”
God decided to take Satan to court and settle their differences once and for all.
When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, “And where do you think YOU’RE going to find a lawyer?”
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.
At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another, “Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?”
“Really?” the other replied, “Why did you switch?”
“Well, for three reasons. First, we found that lawyers are far more plentiful; second, the lab assistants don’t get so attached to them; and third, there are some things even a rat won’t do. However, sometimes it very hard to extrapolate our test results to human
beings.”
When a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule what he means is that after he bills you it’s financially hard to get back on your feet.
Riding alone
A judge was riding horses one day with a young lawyer friend. They came
upon an open stretch of country and noticed a hangman’s noose hanging from a
tree, solemnly waiving in the wind. The judge turned to his riding companion and
jokingly said, “Jacob, if that gallows had its due, where do you suppose you
would be?” “Riding alone,” quickly came the reply.
This Dress Looked Much Better on…
Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same
thing, “This looked much better on….” I usually finish the sentance for
them if I can, and say, “On what? On fire?”
–Rita Rudner
Rob the supermarket
A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were robbing a supermarket when a police officer walked in the store.The three women decide to hide in three potato sacks.The cop kicks the first bag, and the brunette says, “meow”, the cop says, “oh, its only a cat”He kicks the second bag, and the redhead says, “woof, woof”. The cop says, “its only a dog”.He kicks the third bag, and the blonde says, “potato”
Computer Virus List 1
Ellen Degeneres virus:
Your IBM suddenly claims it’s a MAC
Monica Lewinsky virus:
Sucks all the memory out of your computer
Titanic virus:
Makes your whole computer go down
Disney virus:
Everything in the computer goes Goofy
Mike Tyson virus:
Quits after one byte
Prozac virus:
Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn’t care
Sharon Stone virus:
Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget it’s there.
Why don’t [ethnics] go elephant hunting?…
Why don’t [ethnics] go elephant hunting?
The decoys are too heavy.