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Golf Match

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The Pope met with his cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel.
�Your Holiness,� said one of the Cardinals, �Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths.�

The Pope thought it was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand, �Have we not,� he asked, �a cardinal who can represent me against the leader of Israel?�

�None that plays golf very well,� a cardinal said. �But,� he added, �there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a cardinal, then ask him to play Benjamin Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we�ll also win the match.�

Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of course Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result.

�I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness,� said the golfer. �Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus,� said the Pope.

�Well,� your Holiness, �I don�t like to brag, but even though I�ve played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous.�

�There�s bad news?� the Pope asked.

Nicklaus sighed. �I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes.�

Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates…

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Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells
them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question.
St. Peter asks the first blonde, “What is Easter?”
The blonde replies, “Oh, that’s easy! It’s the holiday in November when
everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful…”
“Wrong!,” replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same
question, “What is Easter?”
The second blonde replies, “Easter is the holiday in December when we put
up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus.”
St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her
she’s wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks,
“What is Easter?”
The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, “I
know what Easter is.”
“Oh?” says St. Peter, incredulously.
“Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration
of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and
Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his
disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the
side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails
through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by
a large boulder.”
St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.
The third blonde continues, “Every year the boulder is moved aside so that
Jesus can come out… and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more
weeks of winter.”

Chineese men

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there are three men from china and they dont speek any english and they go into a shopping senter. The first man went in to a bird whatching place and he learnt how to say ” I see I see I see” then the second man went into a resterant and lernt how to say knife and fork then the third man went into a lolly shop and learnt how to say goody goody gum drops. on the way out of the shopping senter there had been a murder and the police man said did any one see what happend and the man from the bird whatching place said I see then the police man said did you see what with and the man from the resterant said knife and fork then the police man said thats it you to are to suspishis you are going to jail then the man who came from the lolly shop said goddy goody gum drops

Free drinks! free drinks!

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A man in a bar has a couple of beers, and the bartender tells him he owes $8.

“But I already paid you! Don’t you remember?” says the customer.

“Okay,” says the bartender, “if you said you paid, then I suppose you did.”

The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the
bartender can’t keep track of whether his customers have paid or not. The second
man then rushes in, orders a beer, and later pulls the same stunt.

The barkeep replies, “Okay, if you said you paid, then I suppose you did.”

The customer then goes outside, sees a friend, and tells him how to get free
drinks. The third man hurries into the bar and begins to drink highballs. Some
time later, the bartender leans over and says, “You know, a funny thing happened
in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid, and both claimed that
they had paid. The next guy who tries that stunt is going to get his butt
kicked.”

The man interrupts, “Don’t bother me with your troubles, bartender. Just give
me my change and I’ll be on my way.”

Estaba un barman muy aburrido

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Estaba un barman muy aburrido limpiando los vasos de cerveza de la tarde, cuando en eso se le acerca un forastero que acababa de llegar, pasa a su lado, le sonr�e, camina unos cuatro metros a su izquierda, quita una latita de arvejas vac�a que ten�a en su bolsillo y la coloca en el suelo. Luego regresa junto al cantinero y le dice:

“Te apuesto 150 dolares a que puedo mear desde ac� hasta all� en ese tarrito de lata sin derramar una sola gota”.

El barman acepta la apuesta confiado de que la ganar�a. Entonces, el forastero saca su pene, hace unos ruiditos tecnol�gicos, tu-tu-tu-tu-tu-tu como apuntando un miral�ser, cierra un ojo, quita la lengua con mucho oficio, y en el momento preciso suelta un chorro desorbitante que alcanza hasta el techo, luego -tratando de controlarlo- el tipo se zarandea, para los cinco segundos de meado ya hab�a mojado el suelo, la mesa, la pared, los cuadros, la alfombra, inclusive hab�a mojado un poco la cara del cantinero y hab�a acertado cada lugar en el bar menos la latita.

Cuando el forastero termina, el barman comienza a secarse el or�n del rostro mat�ndose de risa por haber ganado su apuesta. Cuando el visitante lo mira fijo con una sonrisa, �l le pregunta por qu� est� tan alegre si acababa de perder 150 d�lares.

“Ve a esos tres hombres all�?” dice el tipo apuntando a tres se�ores con cara de desgracia sentados en una mesa del fondo.

“Acabo de apostarles a cada uno de ellos 500 dolares que yo pod�a mear sobre su piso, mear sobre su techo, mear sobre su alfombra, mear por todo su bar, mear inclusive un poco sobre su cara y que Ud. no s�lo no se molestar�a sino que terminar�a ri�ndose!!!”

Priest & Rabbi — Part 7,843,924

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METAPHYSICAL MENU… The main course at the big civic dinner was baked ham with glazed sweet potatoes. Rabbi Cohen regretfully shook his head when the platter was passed to him. ‘When,’ scolded Father Kelly playfully, ‘are you going to forget that silly rule of yours and eat ham like the rest of us?’ Without skipping a beat, Rabbi Cohen replied: ‘At your wedding reception, Father Kelly.’

The Greatest Country

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There were four men, one from China, Greenland, America and one
from Australia.

One night they were bragging on how good their country are. The
Chinese said, “my country is the best cause we have the great
wall.”

The Greenlander said, “no, mine is the best as we have the
greenest greenest grass.”

The American said, “no, mine is the best as we have our flag 50
stars and 50 stripes.”

The Australian said, “no, mine is the greatest country as we
have the kangaroo which will jump over the great wall, shit on
the greenest greenest grass and wipe its ass on the American
flag.”

Half And Half

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Four close friends who lived in the same apartment building are
enjoying the boardgame they are playing until a woman walks in
and slams the door behind her. “You created an I hate Annie
Knoller Club!” ” Well Ya Annie.” “Just what do you do in this
club?” ” Just make up rumors, they aren’t that bad.” ” so what’s
this rumor that you made up?” “Well, nothing much, just that
your parents flipped a coin and it landed as tails so ignoring
the fact that you were female you would be treated as you had
male reproductive parts.” “so you gave me a teenie weenie!?” “Ya
pretty much” ” Well I have a rumor about you too, it’s that you
made out with the 50 yrs. old libarian during high school” ” How
did you know?” ” I thought I made it up” “I had no idea you
liked the libarian” ” she was pretty damn ugly dude” ” Hey well
she looked 16 and not 50!”