Q: Why should blondes not is given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.
Author: admin
Life is Unfair
There was a guy who really takes care of his body; he lifts
weights and jogs 6 miles everyday.
One morning, looking in his mirror, he noticed he was sun-tanned
all over…with the exception of his penis…which he readily
decided to do something about.
He went to the beach completely undressed and buried himself in
the sand except for his penis which he left sticking out.
Two little old ladies were strolling on the beach, one using a
cane. Upon seeing this penis sticking out of the sand she began
to move it around with her cane. Remarking to her friend she
said, “there really is no justice in the world.” Her friend
asked, “What do you mean?” The cane pusher said while pointing
to the tanning penis…
When I was 20…I was curious.
When I was 30…I enjoyed it.
When I was 40…I asked for it.
When I was 50…I paid for it.
When I was 60…I prayed for it.
When I was 70…I forgot about it.
And now that I’m 80 the damn things are growing wild and I’m too
damn old to squat!!!
Mechanics’ humor
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC’S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brakedrum you’re trying to get the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you’ve been searching for the last 15 minutes.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say, “Ouc….”
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack.
TWEEZRS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.
TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.
BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic’s own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, “the sunshine vitamin,” which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 60 years ago by someone in Springfield, and rounds them off.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
Blonde Keys in the Car
A blond walked into a gas station and told the manager, “I locked my keys in my car and I was wondering if you had a coat hanger I could stick through the window and unlock the door.””Why, sure,” said the manager, “we have something that works especially for that.”A couple minutes later, the manager walked outside to see how the blonde was doing. He heard another voice.”No, no, a little to the left,” said the other blonde inside the car.
New Gorilla in Bar
A black man enters a bar with his gorilla. He says to the bartender, “I would
like a beer, and a gin and tonic for my girlfriend here.”
The bartender looks at him like he’s nuts and says, ” I sorry but I don’t
serve Gorillas in this bar.”
The man has an idea. He takes his girlfriend home and shaves her head, gives
her a wig, dress, and makeup. Then he returns to the same bar. He places the
same order and this time the bar tender gives it to them.
They go and sit in a corner while the bartender turns to his friend and says,
“Damn! Did you ever notice how all the good looking Iraqi ladies that come in
here, always seem to be with black men.
Micheal Jakson gone wrong
A preacher and a boy are sitting down when the boy asks him a question. he asks “preacher, is god black or white?”.
the preacher decides to tease him and replys
“both”. then the boy asks if he is gay or straight and gets the answer of both. then he asks, “preacher, is Micheal Jackson god?”
Two engineers & a rockin’ bike
An engineering student is walking on campus one day when another
engineer rides up on a shiny new motorcycle. “Where did you get
such a rockin’ bike?” asked the first. The second engineer
replied “Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own
business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw
the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, “Take
what you want.” The second engineer nodded approvingly, “Good
choice, the clothes probably wouldn’t have fit.”
How much do you Lose
A streetwalker was visiting her doctor for a regular check-up. “Any specific problems you should tell me about?” the doctor asked.
“Well, I have noticed lately that if I get even the tiniest cut, it seems to bleed for hours.” she replied. “Do you think I might be a haemophiliac?”
“Well,” the doctor answered, “Haemophilia is a genetic disorder and it is more often found in men, but it is possible for a woman to be a haemophiliac. Tell me, how much you lose when you have your period?”
After calculating for a moment, the hooker replied, “Oh, about seven or eight hundred dollars, I guess.”
The Princess
There was a white man, black man, and a chinese man. They all wanted to f*** the kings daughter. So the king said, “whoever can stick it in her pussy and not get it stuck, will marry her.” So the white man goes first, but it gets stuck. They get a crowbar and popp it out. The black man goes, but gets it stuck. They get the crowbar, and pop it out. Then the chinese man goes in and out, in and out. They all ask him how he did it. He said,”Me chinese, me be quick, me put crisco on my dick.”
So the king decided it was not fair and put another test to try. “Whoever has the biggest penis, will marry my daughter.” The white man walks out all confident, and pulls down his pants. The king rubs his magic ball and says
Giving up drugs!
Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said,
“You seem like nice young men, and I’d like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I’ll see you back in court Monday.”
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, “How did you do over the weekend?”
“Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.”
“17 people? That’s wonderful. What did you tell them?”
“I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this…
…O…o
…and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs.”
“That’s admirable,” said the judge.
“And you, how did you do?”, he asked the second boy, “Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever.”
“156 people! That’s amazing! How did you manage to do that?!?”,
“Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles)
…o…O
I said (pointing to the small circle) “this is your asshole before prison, …”
Why do so many young Mexican girls get pregnant…
Why do so many young Mexican girls get pregnant so early in their life?
Because their teachers told them to go home and do their essays.
The Hairdresser
This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to
rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who knows
nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable.
A woman was at her hairdresser’s getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome
with her boyfriend. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded,
“Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty and full of
Italians. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”
“We’re taking Continental,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”
“Continental?” exclaimed the hairdresser. “That’s a terrible airline. Their
planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re always late. So,
where are you staying in Rome?”
“We’ll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome’s Tiber River called
Teste.”
“Don’t go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s gonna be
something special and exclusive, but it’s really a dump, the worst hotel in the
city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and they’re overpriced. So,
whatcha doing when you get there?”
“We’re going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.”
“That’s rich,” laughed the hairdresser. “You and a million other people trying
to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of
yours. You’re going to need it.”
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her
about her trip to Rome.
“It was wonderful,” explained the woman, “not only were we on time in one of
Continental’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to
first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old
steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They’d just
finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it’s a jewel, the finest hotel in
the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the owner’s
suite at no extra charge!”
“Well,” muttered the hairdresser, “That’s all well and good, but I know you
didn’t get to see the Pope.”
“Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss
Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some
of the visitors and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait,
the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope
walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words
to me.”
“Oh, really! What’d he say?”
He said, “Where’d you get the lousy hairdo?”