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Martha Stewart Tips for Rednecks

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DINING OUT

1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to “bruise” the fruit of the vine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table…no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s OWN truck keys.

2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family)

1. Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.

2. Be aggressive. Let her know you’re interested: “I’ve been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.”

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say “Monday.” If the latter is the answer, it is the man’s responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.

2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can’t hear you.

WEDDINGS

1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say “yes” to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.

2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.

6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

Swedish Au-Pair

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The young Swedish au pair had been working for the couple for over a year.

While pleasant and hardworking, the girl still struggled with English.

One day she informed the Lady of the House, that her boyfriend in the Army was coming for a visit.

“That’s wonderful. How long is his furlough?”

“Oh… yust the same as husband’s yours, but a little bit thicker.” the au-pair replied.

Red-Headed School Teacher

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A traveling salesman finds himself stranded in the tiniest town in Ireland. He
knocks on the door of a little hotel.

� Sorry, we don’t have a spare room,” says the manager, “but you’re welcome to
share with a little red-headed schoolteacher, if that’s okay.”

� Oh, that’ll be great,” says the salesman, grinning from ear to ear. “And
don’t worry, I’ll be a real gentleman.”

� Just as well,” says the manager. “So will the little red-headed
schoolteacher.”

Dr. Blonde

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A brunette asks her blonde if she can lend her some money. The
blonde says, “sure I just got a job”. The brunette says, “what
kind of job”? “Oh, I’m a doctor, I went to the collage FU don’t
you remember”? the blonde answers. “How long did that
take?”asks the brunette. “Oh well, under 4 years!” “how long
under
4 years?” “Only 42 months isn’t that short?”
~
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~~~
~~~~
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The brunette answers,
“I hate to dissapoint you but 42 months kinda equals 4 years”

Blessings

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Mitch, a hard-shell Southern Baptist, loved to sneak away to the race track.

One day he was there betting on the ponies and losing his shirt when he noticed a priest step out onto the track and bless the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, this horse — a very long shot — won the race.

Mitch was most interested to see what the priest did the next race. Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as the horses for the fifth race lined up, and placed a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. Mitch made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.

Mitch collected his winnings and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race. The priest showed, blessed a horse, Mitch bet on it, and it won! Mitch was elated.

As the day went on, the priest continued blessing one of the horses, and it always came in first. Mitch began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true.

He made a quick stop at the ATM, withdrew big money and awaited the priest’s blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on. rue to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears, and hooves of one of the horses.

Mitch bet every cent, and watched the horse come in dead last. Mitch was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track and when he found the priest, he demanded, “What happened, Father? All day you blessed the horses and they won. The last, you blessed a horse and he lost. Now I’ve lost my savings, thanks to you!!”

The priest nodded wisely and said, “That’s the problem with you Protestants… you can’t tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites.”

Traveling Salesman

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A traveling salesman, in the middle of his 2 week stint on the road, walks into a WhoreHouse. The salesman whips out $300.00 and hands it to the Madam of the house. “Give me the WORST lay you have here.” he says.

The Madam, looking confused, says “But sir, for this kind of money, you can have one of my very BEST girls.”

The salesman, not to be discouraged, says, “Please, I just want the WORST piece of ass in the house.”

The Madam, now getting a bit upset replies “Sir, for $300.00, you could get the best lay of your life.”

Sheepishly the salesman says, “I don’ want the best lay of my life, I’m not horny, I’m HOMESICK!”

Hogs Of Trade

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Bill Clinton is getting off a helicopter just infront of the
White House. 10,000 people are stood outside welcoming the
return of Bill from abroad.

Bill has two pigs, one under each arm.

A man in the crowd catches his attention and says, “Nice pigs
sir.”

Bill smiles and says, “These aren’t pigs. These are Arkansas
Razorback Hogs. I got one for Hilary and one for Chelsea.”

The man repies, “Nice trade Sir.”

Teachers gift

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As the end of the year rolls around, a kindergarten teacher starts getting presents from the children in her class.

First, a little girl whose father owns the meat shop in town hands her a box.

The teacher shakes it and says, �I bet it�s some beef jerky.�

�It is!� the girl cries.

Then a little boy whose father owns a local candy store hands her a box.

The teacher shakes it and says, �I bet this is some candy.�

�Yes, it is!� the boy squeals.

Finally, a boy whose dad owns a liquor store comes forward. As the teacher takes the present, she notices it�s leaking.

After tasting a drop from the box, she says, �I bet it�s white wine.�

�No,� the little boy says.

So the teacher puts a few more drops into her mouth. �It�s champagne, right?� she says.

�Nope!� the little boy cries, happy that he has fooled his teacher.

�I give up,� she says. �What is it?�

The little boy shouts, �It�s a puppy!�

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo