New Secretary

The real estate boss got a hot new secretary.

Afraid of sexual harrassment issues he held himself off for a week, but
finally overcome with lust, he decided to put some moves on her.

But within a few weeks, he is feeling displeased at the way she is working, not caring, coming to work late, and so on.

So, he pulls her aside, and has a little talk with her.

“Listen, baby, we may have gone to bed together a few times, but who said you could start coming in late and slacking off?”

Looking him in the eyes, she replied, “My lawyer!”

Submitted by Curtis

Noisy neighbor…

Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye (or maybe it was Neil
McNell from Barra, but anyway..) went to study at an English
university and was living in the hall of residence with all the
other students there. After he had been there a month, his
mother came to visit him (no doubt carrying reinforcements of
tatties, salt herring, oatmeal and whisky).

“And how do you find the English students, Donald?” she
asked.

“Mother,” he replied, “they’re such terrible, noisy people. The
one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won’t
stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all
night.”

“Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful
noisy English neighbours?”

“Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here
quietly, playing my bagpipes.”

50 Elevator Pranks

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your tissue to other passengers.3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, “Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!”4. Whistle the first seven notes of ‘It’s a Small World’ incessantly.5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.6. On a long ride, crash from side to side as if you’re on rough seas.7. Shave. (Especially if you’re a woman.)8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask: “Got enough air in there?”9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: “Noogie patrol coming!”13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you, “Admiral”.14. One word: Flatulence!15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go “plink” at the bottom.16. Do Tai Chi exercises.17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce, “I’ve got new socks on!”18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, “Oh, not now. Damn motion sickness!”19. Give religious literature to each passenger.20. Meow occasionally.21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.22. Frown and mutter “Gotta go, gotta go,” then sigh and say, “oops!”23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.24. Sing, “Mary Had a Little Lamb,” while continually pushing buttons.25. Holler, “Chutes away!” whenever the elevator descends.26. Walk on with a cooler that says “human head” on the side.27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce, “You’re one of THEM!” and move to the far corner of the elevator.28. Burp, and then say “Mmmm…tasty!”29. Leave a box between the doors.30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.31. Wear a puppet on your hand and make it talk to the other passengers.32. Start a sing-along.33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, “Is that your beeper?”34. Play the harmonica.35. Shadow box.36. Say, “Ding!” at each floor.37. Lean against the button panel.38. Say, “I wonder what all these do,” and push the red buttons. 39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your “personal space”.41. Bring a chair along.42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: “Wanna see wha in muh mouf?”43. Blow spit bubbles.44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.45. Announce in a demonic voice: “I must find a more suitable host body.”46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.48. Wear “X-Ray Specs” and leer suggestively at other passengers.49. Stare at your thumb and say, “I think it’s getting larger.”50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler, “Bad touch!”

Give an example of tragedy

Winston Peters is visiting a school.
In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a
“tragedy”. One little boy stands up and offersthat, “if my best friend who lives
next door was playing in the street when a car came along and killed him, that
would be a tragedy”.
“No,” Winston says, “That would be an ACCIDENT.”
A girl raises her hand. “If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a
cliff, killing everyone involved… that would be a tragedy”. “I’m afraid not,
“explains Winston, “that is what we would call a GREAT LOSS.”
The room is silent, none of the other children volunteer. “What?” asks
Winston, “isn’t there any one here who can give me an example of a tragedy?”
Finally, a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: “If an
airplane carrying Winston Peters was blown up by a bomb, THAT would be a
tragedy”.
“Wonderful!” Winston beams. “Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be
a tragedy?” “Well,” says the boy, “because it wouldn’t be an accident, and it
certainly wouldn’t be a great loss!”

Inmates Running the Asylum?

Can you imagine working for this organization? It has less than 1000 employees
with the following statistics:
*29 have been accused of spousal abuse
*7 have been arrested for fraud
*19 have been accused of writing bad checks
*117 have bankrupted at least two businesses
*3 have been arrested for assault
*71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
*14 have been arrested on drug related charges
*8 have been arrested for shoplifting
*21 are current defendants in lawsuits
*In 1998 alone, 84 were stopped for drunk driving
Can you guess which organization this is? Give up?
It’s the 535 members of The United States Congress; the same group that cranks
the laws designed to keep the rest of us in line. Are the inmates running the
asylum?

Mexican Judo

There are two Mexicans talking. One is a new resident of the town. The first Mexican says to the other, “Hey, Vato, this town is pretty rough. All the Mexicans know how to fight. So watch your back.”The other Mexican replies, “I don’t need to worry, because I know Mexican Judo.”The first Mexican asks, “What’s Mexican Judo?” The second says, “Ju don’t know if I have a gun; Ju don’t know if I have a knife…”

Silly stocks

Todays Stock Market Report:

Helium was up.
Feathers were down.
Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remained unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market!

Cops

The LAPD, the FBI, & the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: “Okay, okay, I’m a rabbit, I’m a rabbit.”