A couple of airplane mechanics are kicked out of the local bar and,
with no place else to go, end up in the hanger at SFO. One of them
says to the other, “Man, have you got anything to drink?” “Nah, but I
hear you can drink jet fuel – that’ll kinda give you a buzz.”
So they get smashed and have a beautiful time; like only drinking
buddies can do. The following morning, one of them wakes up and he
knows his head will explode if he gets up. But It doesn’t. He gets up
and feels good, in fact he feels great – NO hangover! The phone
rings, it’s his buddy. the buddy says “Hey, how do you feel?”
He said, “I feel great!!, and the buddy says, “I feel great too!! You
don’t have a hangover?” and he says “No – that jet fuel is great stuff
– no hangover – we ought to do this more often” “Yeah, we could, but
there’s just one thing….
Did you fart yet?”
“No…..?????”
“Well, DON’T, ’cause I’m in Denver.
Author: admin
A carpet layer had just finished
A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he’d lost his cigarettes.
In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump.
”No sense pulling up the entirefloor for one pack of smokes,” he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump.
As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. ”Here,” she said, handling him his pack of cigarettes. ”I found them in the hallway.”
”Now,” she said, ”ifonly I could find my parakeet. ”
The Martian Sex Joke
A married couple finally saved up enough money to go on their fantasy vacation to mars.While strolling along the red dirt and craters the couple meets up with a martian couple.
The two couples get to talking and up comes the subject of sex.In curiosity the two couples decided to switch partners for the night.
The wife and the martian man were about to have their fun, but when The martian man pulled off his pants and it was the size of a pencil.The wife asked “Can you make it longer?”The martian replied “yes.” and slapped his forhead, it grew longer. Then the wife asked “can you make it wider?” The martian replied again “yes.” he pulled his ears and it grew wider.
So the martian man and the wife went to town and had their fun. The next day the couples met up again and the wife asks her husband “So how was you night honey? Mine was great!”
“Mine was horrible!” the husband said.
“why?” his wife asked.
“That damn alien bitch kept slapping my head and pulling my ears!”
3 Blonde Shorties!
A blonde says to a brunette, ”Excuse me, but each time I sip my coffee, my eye seems to hurt.”
The brunette says, ”Well maybe you should take the spoon out of the cup.”
——————
A blonde was having sharp pains in her side.
The doctor examined her and said, ”You have acute appendicitis.”
The blond yelled at the doctor…
”I came here to get medical help, not get a stupid compliment!!”
——————
A blonde got a dent in her car and took it in to the repair shop.
The repairman, noticing that the woman was a blonde, decided to have a wee bit of fun.
So he told her all she had to was take it home and blow in the tailpipe until the dent popped itself out.
After 15 minutes of this, the blonde’s blonde friend came over and asked what she was doing.
“I’m trying to pop out this dent, but it’s not really working.”
“Duh. You have to roll up the windows first!”
Computer Acronyms
PCMCIA – People Can’t Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
PENTIUM – Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics
WWW – World Wide Wait
COBOL – Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
CD-ROM – Consumer Device – Rendered Obsolete in Months
OS/2 – Obsolete Soon, Too.
MIPS – Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
WINDOWS – Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
MICROSOFT – Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers
LISP – Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis
RISC – Reduced Into Silly Code
SCSI – System Can’t See It
DOS – Defective Operating System
BASIC – Bill’s Attempt to Seize Industry Control
IBM – I Blame Microsoft
DEC – Do Expect Cuts
Apple Discussion
A husband apple and a wife apple were having a discussion.
“Honey, you seem upset…” said the husband apple to his wife apple.
“Yes dear, I am.” she replied.
“What is the matter?” he asked.
The wife apple would not say what the matter was and she kept hesitating.
Finally, the husband apple got very upset, and demanded to his wife apple, “You better tell me what is wrong! I want to get to the CORE of things!”
Deadbeat in a Bar
A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink, and he said �No thanks, I don’t drink, I tried it once but I didn`t like it!� So the bartender said, �Well would you like a cigarette,� but the man said �No, I don’t smoke, I tried it once but I didn`t like it!� The bartender asked him if he’d like to play a game of pool, and again the man said �No I don’t like pool, I tried it once but I didn`t like it. As a matter of fact I wouldn`t be here at all, but I’m waiting on my son!� The bartender said, �Your only son I presume!!�
Blonde in London
Q: Why was the blonde disappointed when she went to London? A: She found out that Big Ben was only a clock. Submitted by: Aviva
Chicken
You’re so dumb, you tried to rip the lips off a chicken!
20 things to do in school to get u in trouble
20 things to do in school to get u in trouble
1. Walk into school, entirely in black with your hand shaped
like a gun in your pocket. If anyone questions you…. claim
your going to shoot everyone at school with your finger. ( hold
your hand in a gun motion in the air)
2. Walk up to the school counceler, drop to your knees and
scream “THE VOICES, THE VOICES……all of u SHUT UP!!!!!”
3. Walk up to a teacher of the opposite sex and ask them to ge
to dinner with u tonight.
4. Ask school nurse about viagra. ( or vagisil, condoms,
lubricant)
5. Drop a love note in best guy friends locker…….signed by a
another guy.
6. Try to fit inside your locker. If u are questioned simply say
“I need to get away from it all”
7. Ask the school counceler if anyone has ever commited suicide,
if the answer is yes, act excited and ask exactly how they did
it.
8. Write on the mirror in the teacher’s bathroom “I can see u”
9. Hand your math paper in with scribbles insted of answer..
when asked to explain say ” i was just trying to bring
creativity to the class”
10. Hand out invitations to Little Johnny’s funeral to all the
teachers.
11. Divise a code using only coughs.
12. If the teacher tells you u have a detention or to put your
name on the bored annonce to her you know she’s one of THEM.
13. Explain to the school pricipal there is a conspiricy against
you when he askes you why, back away with a frightened
expression saying “Your in it to, You all are trying to kill me”
14. Ask the teacher for a pencil, after she hands it to you,
turn around and ask one of the students for another
pencil.(while putting the teacher’s pencil in your pocket)
15. When the furrnace kicks on, raise your hand and ask “Does
anyone smell gas?”
16.Refuse to play in gym class, insisting you have a phobia of
sticks and balls.
17. While playing in trivia in class, ask if you can go to the
office to phone a friend.
18. Walk down the hall after a test, singing i’m a survivor..(
Before a test sing i will survive)
19. Answer all teachers questions with a loud and sudden “BEEP”
20. Claim u lost somthing very valuable, compile a search party
after you have everyone around the school searching. pull the
item out of your pocket screaming NEVERMIND!!!!”
Three Dogs
3 dogs are sitting in the waiting room of a vet’s office. One is a Poodle, one is a Schnauzer and the other is a Great Dane. The Poodle turns to the Schnauzer and asks, “Why are you here?”
The Schnauzer responds, “I’m 17 years old. I don’t see or hear very well. I’ve been having accidents in the house. My owner says I’m too old and sick so he brought me here to be put to sleep.” The Schnauzer asks the poodle, “Why are you here?”
The Poodle responds, “I’ve not been myself lately. I’ve been especially high strung. I’ve been barking all the time, I’ve been snapping at people and I even bit one of the neighbor’s kids. Nobody knows why this has been happening. My owner says he can’t risk me biting somebody else so he brought me here to be put to sleep.” The Poodle and Schnauzer ask the Great Dane why he is here.
The Great Dane responds, “My owner is this beautiful runway model. Yesterday she was walking around the house naked when she suddenly bent down to pick up something she dropped. She was bent over and naked when nature took over and the next thing I know I’m on top of her doing the doggie thing. I couldn’t help myself. ”
The Poodle asks, “So your owner brought you here to be put to sleep?”
The Great Dane says, “No, I’m just here to get my nails trimmed.”
Granny and the Cop.
An elderly couple were driving across the country.
The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol.
The officer said, “Ma’am did you know you were speeding?”
The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, “What did he say?”
The old man yells, “He says you were speeding!”
The patrolman says, “May I see your license?”
The woman turns to her husband and asks again, “What did he say?”
The old man yells, “He wants to see your license!”
The woman gave the officer her license.
The patrolman says, “I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen.”
The woman turned to her husband and asked, “What did he say?”
And the old man yells, “He said he knows you!”