The company I work for sometimes puts on what they call “Lunch and Learn”
seminars during the employees’ lunchtime, dealing with a variety of physical and
mental health issues.
If the seminar lasts beyond the normal lunch hour, we’re supposed to get
managerial approval to attend.
So, last week, this flier came around:
LUNCH AND LEARN SEMINAR:
WHO’S CONTROLLING YOUR LIFE?
(Get your manager’s permission before attending)
Author: admin
Ostrich in a Bar
A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him. As he sits down, the bartender comes over and asks for their order.
The man says, “I’ll have a beer”, and turns to the ostrich.
“What’s yours?”
“I’ll have a beer too” says the ostrich.
The bartender pours the beer and says, “That will be $3.40 please,” and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says, “I’ll have a beer,” and the ostrich says, “I’ll have the same.” Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change.
This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the two enter again. “The usual?” asks the bartender.
“Well, it’s close to last call, so I’ll have a large scotch”, says the man.
“Same for me”, says the ostrich.
“That will be $7.20” says the bartender.
Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.
The bartender can’t hold back his curiosity any longer. “Excuse me sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?”
“Well,” says the man, “several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money will always be there.”
That’s brilliant!” says the bartender. “Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!”
“That’s right! Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,” says the man.
The bartender asks, “One other thing, sir, what’s with the ostrich?”
The man replies “My second wish was for a chick with long legs.”
Q….
Q.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
A. They won’t stop to ask directions.
Estaba un se�or reparando una
Estaba un se�or reparando una llanta ponchada, frente a un manicomio; al momento de quitar los tornillos se le van los cuatro por una coladera. “�Y ahora que voy a hacer!”
Uno de los locos del manicomio se asoma por la cerca y le sugiere, “Quita un tornillo de las otras tres llantas y los colocas en esa, y te ir�s con tres en cada una.”
“Oye, que excelente idea; y por que est�s tu ah� adentro.
“�Estoy loco, no pendejo!”
Spider spider
Spider , spider on the wall you think your smart you know fuck all,your on a wall thats just been plasterd , now your stuck you stupid bastard.
Monster
your mama so ugly even a monster said ahh run!booty call
Clinton sandwich?
Q: What’s a Clinton sandwich?
A: Pure bologna piled high and deep.
B @ Q
started fighting the other day walked into B and Q guy says to me do you want decking so i fucking smacked him
Sharing a Room
By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was
taken.
“You’ve got to have a room somewhere,” he pleaded. “Or just a bed, I don’t
care where.”
“Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy,” admitted
the manager, “and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the
truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained
in the past. I’m not sure it’d be worth it to you.”
“No problem,” the tired Marine assured him. “I’ll take it.”
The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and
bushy-tailed. “How’d you sleep?” Asked the manager.
“Never better.”
The manager was impressed. “No problem with the other guy snoring, then?”
“Nope, I shut him up in no time.” Said the Marine.
“How’d you manage that?” asked the manager.
“He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,” the Marine
explained. “I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, ‘Goodnight,
beautiful,’ and he sat up all night watching me.”
The Night Before Payback!
Twas the night before Payback…
‘Twas the night before Payback and all through the land,
The Taliban are running like rabbits in Afghanistan.
Osama’s been praying, he’s down on his knees,
He’s hoping that Allah will hear all his pleas.
He thought if he killed us that we’d fall and shatter,
But all that he’s done is just make us madder.
We haven’t yet forgotten our Marines in Beirut,
And we’ll kick your ass, with one heavy boot.
And yes we remember the USS Cole,
And the lives of our sailors that you bastards stole.
You think you can rule us and cause us to fear,
You’ll soon get the answer if you live to hear.
And we ain’t forgotten your buddy Saddam,
And he ain’t forgotten the sound of our bombs.
You think that those mountains are somewhere to hide,
They’ll go down in history as the place where you died.
Remember Khadhafi and his line of death?
He came very close, to his final breath.
So come out and prove it, that you are a man,
Cause our boys are coming and they have a plan.
They are our Fathers and they are our Sons,
And they sure do carry some mighty big Guns.
They would have stayed home, with Children and Wives,
Till you bastards came here and took all these Lives.
Osama I wrote this especially for you,
For air mail delivery by B-52.
You soon will be hearing a thud and a whistle,
Old Glory is coming, attached to a missile.
I won’t be sorry to see your cowardly ass go,
It’s Red, White, and Blue that’s running this show!
Sex is nobody’s business except
Sex is nobody’s business except the three people involved.
Report Card Truths: How to Decode a Report Card
1. COMMENT ……………………… 2. INTERPRETATION
A born leader …………………….. Mafia “Godfather” type
Easy going …………………….. Lazy
Lively nature …………………….. Thoroughly disruptive
A sensitive child ……………….. Never stops whining
Helpful ………………………… Pest
Reliable ……………………….. Informs on classmates
Co-operative ……………………. Teacher’s pet
Difficulty forming stable relationships .. I can’t stand him
either
Self confident ………………….. Cheeky little s.o.b.
Friendly ……………………….. Never shuts up
Easily distracted …………… Has not produced a decent
piece
of work all year
Needs encouragement …………… Thick as a brick
Is easily upset …………….. Spoiled rotten
Clever with hands …………… Light fingered
Reads well aloud ……………. In love with his/her voice
Inclined to day dream ………… In one ear and out the other
A quiet child ……………. Lacks self confidence and
initiative
A solitary child …………… Personal hygiene problems
A vivid imagination ………… Never short of an excuse
Open to suggestion ………….. No mind of his own
An inquisitive mind ………… Caught playing doctors and
nurses
Popular with classmates ……… Brings in obscene reading
material
Easily influenced ………….. The class fallguy
Expresses himself clearly ……. Swears like a trooper