Q: What’s the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping Tom?
A: A pickpocket snatches watches.
Author: admin
You are a fat hog
you mom is so fat she can not where a yellow
rain coat with out the kid sthinking the school bus is coming.
Big Black Bug & Big Black Bear
A big black bug bit a big black bear, made the big black bear
bleed blood.
What I Did with the Father’s Things
Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, “I was cleaning in
the father’s room the other day and guess what I found? A bunch
of pornographic magazines.” “What did you do?” the other nuns
asked. “Of course I threw them in the trash.”
The second nun said, “I can top that. I was in the father’s room
putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!” “Oh
my!” gasped the other nuns. “What did you do?” they asked. “I
poked holes in all of them!” she replied.
The third nun fainted.
Like Cow-pats
Q: What do blondes and cow-pats have in common?
A: They both get easier to pick-up with age.
Emergency Blonde
A blonde was walking down the street one day. A house was on
fire, so she went to a neighborhood home and asked to use the
phone because of an emergency. She was going to dial 911, but
she couldn’t. She couldn’t find the eleven!!
A cultural comparison
Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad. Canadians:
Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Brits: Can’t possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.
Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your
club.
Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care of
themselves.
Canadians: Believe that that’s the government’s job.
Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.
Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the
point of blindness.
Canadians: Can’t agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered
to sing them.
Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the
anthem.
Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Canadians: Don’t, but only because they can’t get more American channels.
Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.
Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches, to
Britain, where everybody loves them.
Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and
basketball.
Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and
rugby.
Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey,
hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.
Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every
sport they play them in.
Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it “English”.
Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it “English”.
Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.
Aussies: Add “G’day”, “mate” and a heavy accent to everything they say in an
attempt to be cool.
Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a
backwards country.
Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a
backwards country.
Americans: Drink weak, bad-tasting beer.
Canadians: Drink strong, bad-tasting beer.
Brits: Drink warm, bad-tasting beer.
Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.
Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited
things.
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several
beers.
what relly smells ….
what relly smells . after you go dup and walks in they will die.
Four boastful men
Four men are golfing one day. The First man steps up to tee and states boastfully “My Son is so rich that he bought his lover a house”.
The second man steps up to tee and says, “Well, MY son is so rich that he bought his lover a new car”.
The third man steps up and says, “My son is so wealthy that he bought his lover a whole summer home in Miami.”
Finally, the fourth man goes to tee and he says, “Well, my son isn’t rich and self made like yours and he’s gay, and from what I hear, despite my objections, he has 3 separate lovers and from them he just got a new house, a new car, and a summer home in Miami.”
The Blonde and the three Pigs
There were three pigs and a blonde in a bar. The first pig asks: are blonde’s really stupid?
no: says the blonde.
The second pig asks:are blonde’s really stupid?
no:says the blonde
the third pig walks up to her and asks are blondes really stupid.
no: says the blonde
the third pig says: well…i’m gonna ask that burnette over there!!!!!
Some Rules Kids Won’t Learn in School
Unfortunately there are some things that children should be learning in school, but don’t. Not all of them have to do with academics. As a modest- back-to-school offering, here are some basic rules that may not have found their way into the standard curriculum.
Rule #1.
Life is not fair. Get used to it. The average teen-ager uses the phrase “it’s not fair” 8.6 times a day. You got it from your parents. Who said it so often you decided they must be the most idealistic generation ever. When they started hearing it from their own kids, They realized Rule #1.
Rule #2.
The real world won’t care as much about your self-esteem as your school does. It’ll expect you to accomplish something before you feel good about yourself. This may come as a shock. Usually, when inflated self- esteem meets reality, kids complain that it’s not fair. (See Rule No. 1)
Rule #3.
Sorry, you won’t make $40,000 a year right out of high school. And you won’t be a vice president or have a car phone either. You may even have to wear a uniform that doesn’t have a Gap label.
Rule #4.
If you think your teacher is tough, wait ’till you get a boss. He doesn’t have tenure, so he tends to be a bit edgier. When you screw up, he is not going ask you how feel about it.
Rule #5.
Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping. They called it opportunity. They weren’t embarrassed making minimum wage either. They would have been embarrassed to sit around talking about Kurt Cobain all weekend.
Rule #6.
It’s not your parents fault. If you screw up, you are responsible. This is the flip side of “It’s my life,” and “You’re not the boss of me,” and other eloquent proclamations of your generation. When you turn 18, it’s on your dime. Don’t whine about it or you’ll sound like a baby boomer.
Rule #7.
Before you were born your parents weren’t as boring as they are now. They got that way paying your bills, cleaning up your room and listening to you tell them how idealistic you are. And by the way, before you save the rain forest from the blood-sucking parasites of your parents’ generation try delousing the closet in your bedroom.
Rule #8.
Life is not divided into semesters, and you don’t get summers off. Nor even Easter break. They expect you to show up every day. For eight hours. And you don’t get a new life every 10 weeks. It just goes on and on.
Rule #9.
Television is not real life. Your life is not a sitcom. Your problems will not all be solved in 30 minutes, minus time for commercials. In real life, people actually have to leave the coffee shop to go to jobs. Your friends will not be perky or as polite as Jennifer Aniston.
Rule #10.
Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them We all could .
Rule #11.
Enjoy this while you can. Sure, parents are a pain, school’s a bother, and life is depressing. But someday you’ll realize how wonderful it was to be kid. Maybe you should start now. You’re welcome.
Three-legged Dog
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West.
He sidles up to the bar and announces:
“I’m lookin’ for the man who shot my paw.”