The man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked, ‘You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?’ ‘Why?’ she asks. ‘Because every time I talk to a a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere.’
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Get Sober!
As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said, “I can’t find a cause for your complaint.
Frankly, I think it’s due to drinking.”
“In that case,” said the patient, “I’ll come back when you’re sober!”
Be Reasonable
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. “You’re running around with other women,” she charged.
“You’re being unreasonable,” Adam responded. “You’re the only woman on earth.”
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.
“What do you think you’re doing?” Adam demanded.
“Counting your ribs,” said Eve.
Why do Mexicans always have
Why do Mexicans always have tamales for Christmas dinner?
– So they’ll have something to unwrap!
Captain Bravo
Captain BravoLong ago lived a seaman named Captain Bravo. He was a manly man who showed no fear in facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the seven seas, a look-out spotted a pirate ship and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo bellowed, ”Bring me my Red Shirt.” The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain’s red shirt and whilst wearing the bright red frock he led his men into battle and defeated the pirates.Later on that day, the look-out spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again called for his red shirt and once again, though the fighting was fierce, he was victorious over the two ships. That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day’s triumphs and one of the them asked the captain, ”Sir, why do you call for your red shirt before battle? The captain replied, ”If I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will not show my blood and thus, you men will continue to fight, unafraid.”All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of such a manly man as Captain Bravo. As dawn came the next morning, the look-out spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirates ships approaching from the far horizon. The crew stared at the captain and waited for his usual reply.Captain Bravo calmly shouted, ”Get me my brown pants.”
No Coffee Breaks
Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.
INTERNATIONAL MARKETING FLOPS – ACTUAL ACCOUNTS
Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations. It
shouldn’t be that hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run into trouble
because of language and cultural differences. For example…
The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately,
the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been
printed that the phrase means “bite the wax tadpole” or “female horse stuffed
with wax” depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese
characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, “ko-kou-ko-le,” which can be
loosely translated as “happiness in the mouth.”
In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan “Come alive with the Pepsi
Generation” came out as “Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead.”
Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan “finger-lickin’ good” came
out as “eat your fingers off.”
The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, “Salem – Feeling Free,” got
translated in the Japanese market into “Whensmoking Salem, you feel so refreshed
that your mind seems to be free and empty.”
When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was
apparently unaware that “no va” means “it won’t go.” After the company figured
out why it wasn’t selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to
the Caribe.
Ford had a similar problem in Brazil when the Pinto flopped. The company found
out that Pinto was Brazilian slang for”tiny male genitals”. Ford pried all the
nameplates off and substituted Corcel, which means horse.
When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to
say “It won’t leak in your pocket and embarrass you.” However, the company’s
mistakenly thought the spanish word “embarazar” meant embarrass. Instead the ads
said that “It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant.”
An American t-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the spanish market which
promoted the Pope’s visit. Instead of the desired “I Saw the Pope” in Spanish,
the shirts proclaimed “I Saw the Potato.”
Chicken-man Frank Perdue’s slogan, “It takes a tough man to make a tender
chicken,” got terribly mangled in another Spanish translation. A photo of Perdue
with one of his birds appeared on billboards all over Mexico with a caption that
explained “It takes a hard man to make a chicken aroused.”
Hunt-Wesson introduced its Big John products in French Canada as Gros Jos
before finding out that the phrase, in slang, means “big breasts.” In this case,
however, the name problem did not have a noticeable effect on sales.
Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious
porno mag.
In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into
Schweppes Toilet Water.
Japan’s second-largest tourist agency was mystified when it entered
English-speaking markets and began receiving requests for unusual sex tours.
Upon finding out why, the owners of Kinki Nippon Tourist Company changed its
name.
and finally…
In an effort to boost orange juice sales in predominantly continental
breakfast eating England, a campaign was devised to extoll the drink’s
eye-opening, pick-me-up qualities. Hence, the slogan, “Orange juice. It gets
your pecker up.”
Osama Gets His Wish
While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on a
beach and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a
smile said “Master, may I grant you one wish?”
“You ignorant unworthy daughter-of-a-bitch! Don’t you know who I am? I don’t
need any common woman giving me anything” barked Bin Laden.
The shocked genie said “Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned
to that bottle forever.”
Osama thought a moment. Then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman, and
said “Very well, I want to awaken with three white women in my bed in the
morning, so just do it and be off with you!”
The annoyed genie said, “So be it !” and disappeared.
The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding,
and Hillary Clinton.
His dick was gone, his knee was broken, and he had no health insurance!
Turner Brown
One day this little white guy walked into a elevator
and saw this big black guy. The black guy says,” 7 ft, 350
pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left nut, 3 pound right nut,
Turner Brown”. Immediatly the white guy fainted. The black guy
slapped him around to make him come to. When the white guy got
up he said,” Could you say that again”? The black guy says,” 7
ft, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left nut, 3 pound right
nut, Turner Brown”. ” Thank God,” the white guy said. ” I
thought you said turn a round”.
Jobs/Gods
Where do you fit in?
CEO
Leaps tall buildings on a single bound
Is more powerful than a locomotive
Is faster than a speeding bullet
Walks on water
Gives Policy to God
Project Manager
Leaps short buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a switch engine
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet
Walks on water if sea is calm
Talks to God
Senior Analyst
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
Talks with God if special permission is approved
Systems Analyst
Barely clears a Quonset hut
Loses tug of war with a switch engine
Can fire a speeding bullet
Swims well
Is occasionally addressed by God
Programmer Analyst
Makes high marks on walls when trying to leap tall buildings
Is run over by locomotives
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury
Calls swimming “Staying Alive In The Water”
Talks to animals
Programmer
Runs into buildings
Recognizes locomotives two out of three times
Is not issued ammunition
Can stay afloat with a life jacket
Talks to walls
Project Clerk
Falls over doorstep when trying to enter building
Says look at the choo-choo
Wets himself with a water pistol
Plays in mud puddles
Mumbles to himself
Administrative Assistant
Lifts buildings and walks under them
Kicks locomotives off the tracks
Catches speeding bullets in her teeth and eats them
Freezes water with a single glance
Is a god
Cattle show
A man takes his wife to the cattle stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls.
They come up to the first bull and his sign stated:”This bull mated 50 times last year.”
The wife turns to her husband and says,”He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him.”
They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated:”This bull mated 65 times last year.”
The wife turns to her husband and says,”This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also.”
They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: “This bull mated 365 times last year.”
The wife’s mouth drops open and says,”WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one.”
The man turns to his wife and says,”Go up and ask if it was 365 times with the same cow.”
THROW OF A BLOUND
A BLOUD WAS SITTING DOWN TO HAVE LUNCH, SHE URAPPED THE THIN
FOIL FROM AROUND HER SANDWICH.
FOR THE LAUGH SHE DECIDED TO SCRUNCH UP THE THIN FOIL AND
THROW IT ACROSS THE ROOM.
NEXT THING YOU KNOW SHE FEEL ON TOP OF A BOY ACROSS THE ROOM.
(THE REASON IS BELOW)
SHE FORGOT TO LET GO…..