Life is just a phase you’re going through…you’ll get over it.Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he’ll be a mile away – and barefoot.A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never triedMy idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.A closed mouth gathers no feet.If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again.Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I’m in the bathroom.Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
Author: admin
The Top 12 Signs Your History Teacher Isn’t Very Qualified
12> The only “General Lee” in his lectures jumps over creek beds to escape Boss Hogg and Rosco.
11> “Crimean, Korean, whatever — we won, okay?”
10> Lessons always reflect yesterday’s episode of “Sherman and Peabody.”
9> “Yeah, right — there were *two* President Roosevelts. Suuuuuure.”
8> Devotes an entire week to the eerie similarities between JFK and Abraham Lincoln.
7> If Carmen Sandiego wasn’t involved, he’s never heard of it.
6> Invites his “Sigma buddies,” Toad and Moochie, to help him re-enact the Whiskey Rebellion.
5> Refuses to teach about new-fangled things like the Internet… or Alaska and Hawaii.
4> Thinks the Bataan Death March is a Sousa piece played at halftime.
3> You’re the only sixth-grade class studying the Battle of Hasty Pudding.
2> Claims George W. Bush won the 2000 presidential election.
1> He’s teaching in a public school. Do the math.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
Society is like a stew….
Society is like a stew.
If you don’t keep it stirred up,
you get a lot of scum on top.
– Edward Abbey
Q. Why is a laundromat a bad place for a…
Q. Why is a laundromat a bad place for a guy to pick up women?
A. Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
Killing blondes
Q: How do you kill a blonde?
A: Put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool.
Bad dog! (Bad Pun)
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: ”I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”
HUMPURRR: Your cat has learned your password
Top Ten Signs Your Cat Has Learned Your Internet Password:10) E-Mail flames from some guy named ‘Fluffy.’ 9) Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard. 8) You find you’ve been subscribed to strange newsgroups like alt.recreational.catnip. 7) Your web browser has a new home page: http://www.feline.com/. 6) Your mouse has teeth marks in it…and a strange aroma of tuna. 5) Hate-mail messages to Apple Computer Corp. about their release of ‘CyberDog.’ 4) Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scent to it. 3) You keep finding new software around your house like CatinTax and WarCat II. 2) On IRC you’re known as the IronMouser. 1) There are little kitty carpal-tunnel braces near the scratching post.
bar joke
A guy walked into a bar and said “ouch”.
One day an Englishman, a
One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub
together.
They each proceeded to buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were
about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed into each of
their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.
The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.
The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued
drinking it as if nothing had happened.
The Irishman too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over
the beer and then started yelling “Spit it out, spit it out, you
bastard!”
There were two men in
There were two men in a bar talking and the first man began to tell
the second man a story:
“One day St. Peter sent an angel to Earth to make a list of all the
people that were doing hanky-panky. The angel soon found that this
was a monumental task, so he asked St. Peter for some assistance.
However, none could be given due to the labor shortage. So, a
compromise was reached in that the angel would a list of those persons
not engaging in hanky-panky. This was a much shorter list. Upon
returning with the list, the angel was bid of St Peter to send a
letter of commendation to all those on the list that had not
participated in hanky-panky.”
At this point the first man turned to the second and asked,”And do you
know what the letter said?” “No, what did the letter say?” “Ah, so
you didn’t get one either!”
Play every other match
`I just don’t understand it,’ an Irish footballer complained.
`One match I play very well, and then the next match I’m terrible.’
‘Well,’ said his wife, `why don’t you just play every other match?’
The Cesium song 05
Cesium (Burning in the Dead of Night)(Tune, Blackbird)Cesium burning in the dead of night.Take your sky blue lines and start to shine.All my life,I was only waiting for the moment you were mine.Cesium burning on a lake of ice.Lift your glorious flame up to the skies.All your life,You were only waiting for some water to arise.Cesium burn.Cesium burn.Give your light to this coal black night.— Songs of Cesium #133