A bum asks a man for $2.The man asked: “Will you buy booze?”The bum said: “No.”The man asked “Will you gamble it away?”The bum said: “No.”Then the man asked: “Will you come home with me, so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn’t drink or gamble?”
Author: admin
Sex survey
The research worker, conducting a sex survey, phoned one of the husbands whose completed form was spread out before him.
“Mr Pullman, there seems to be some discrepancies between the answers of you and your wife to the same question. For example, under ‘Frequency of Intercourse’ you wrote, ‘Three times a week’, and your wife, ‘Three times a night’.”
“Well, that’s right,” replied the husband, “but that’s only until we have paid off the mortage on the house.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
What on earth!!!
Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York City subway
when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change.
Frank adamantly rejects the man in disgust.
Matt, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a couples of dollar
bills and gladly hands them over to the beggar with a smile.
The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other passengers.
Frank is outraged by his friend’s act of generosity.
“What on earth did you do that for?” shouts Frank.
“You know he’s only going to use it on drugs or booze!!!”
Matt replies, “What…and we weren’t?”
Xmas time
Little jonny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. he
decided to ask his shrink what to do.
the shrink said,
‘since christmas is coming up, you should ask luke what he wants santa to
bring him. if he cusses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog
s*** in place of the gifts or gifts he requests.’
two days before christmas, luke’s father asked him what he wanted for
christmas.
‘i want a damn teddy bear lying right beside me when i wake up. when i go
downstairs i want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. and when i go
outside i want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage.’
on christmas morning, little luke woke up and rolled over into a pile of dog
s***. confused, he walked downstairs and saw another pile under the tree.
scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog s*** by the
garage.
when luke walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad
smiled and asked, ‘what did santa bring you this year?’
luke replied, ‘i think i got a dog but i can’t find the son-of-a-bitch!’
Sex on TV
Sex on TV doesnt hurt, unless you fall off
A quote on marriage
Spinster: A bachelor’s wife.
The World of High Finance
A man walks into a New York bank, and says he’s going to Europe for two weeks and needs to borrow $
5000. For collateral, he offers his new Rolls Royce.
The bank is satisfied and parks it in their secured underground garage. Two weeks later to the day, the man returns to the bank, repays the $5000 and interest of $
15.
41.
The loan officer says inquiringly, “Sir, we were delighted to have your business but, in checking your credit, we learned you are a multimillionaire. Why ever did you need to borrow $5000?”
“Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for $
15.41?”
Daughter’s room
There was an Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman sat in a bar.
The Englishman says, “I tell you what, I went into my daughter’s room the other day and there was pack of cigarettes, I never knew she smoked”
The Irishman says “That’s nothing, I went into my daughter’s room and there was 3 bottles of whiskey, I never knew she drank”
The Scotsman says, “That’s nothing I went into my daughter’s room and found a packet of condoms, I never knew she had a dick!”
Submitted by e
Edited by Curtis
Clinton say to the new female intern
What did Clinton say to the new female intern?
I haven’t come across your face.
Mushrooms
What did the boy mushroom say to the girl mushroom when he asked her out and she said no?
Why not? I’m a fungi!
Submitted by Curtis
Actual Instruction Labels…
ON A HAIR DRYER:
Do not use while sleeping.
ON A BAG OF FRITOS:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
ON A FROZEN DINNER:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP:
Fits one head.
ON TESCO’S TIRAMISU DESERT:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING:
Product will be hot after heating.
ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON:
Do not iron clothes on body.
ON BOOTS CHILDRENS’ COUGH MEDICINE:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID):
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE:
Warning keep out of children.
ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR:
Not to be used for the other use.
ON SAINSBURY’S PEANUTS:
Warning: contains nuts.
ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
Stoning For Adultery
A woman was found committing adultery and the law says we should stone her!”
one of the crowd responded.
“Wait,” yelled Jesus, “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
Suddenly, a stone was thrown from out of the sky and knocked the woman on the
side of her head.
“Aw, C’mon, Dad…,” Jesus cried, “I’m trying to make a point here!”