Osama’s Maama is so loose she uses a raft as a diaphram.
Osama’s Maama is so loose it don’t hert when she give beshe
can’t give birth cuz her hole never closes.
Author: admin
Penguin Car Troubles
A penguin was driving through a small town when his car broke down. He called AAA, and his car was towed to a local garage where the mechanic told him he would need a couple of hours to check out the problem. The penguin wasn’t in any particular hurry, so he wandered off to look around. Entering a local supermarket, he bought some fish sticks and some vanilla ice cream for lunch, and then hung out in the frozen foods section until it was time to return to the garage.
The mechanic, seeing him enter the garage, came over, wiping his hands on a rag and shaking his head, and said “It looks like you blew a seal.”
Blushing, the penguin quickly wiped his bill with his flippers, and replied, “Oh, no! It’s just ice cream!”
Susie’s Legs
One day a cop was walking along in the ghetto. He came upon a guy sitting on the curb and thinking. He went up to the guy.”What are you doing,” the cop asks.”I’m just thinking about starting a bar right over there,but I can’t think of a name for the place,” the man replied.”If you can come up with a name for me I’ll give you a free drink,”the guy said. The cop likes this idea, so the first thing he thinks of he tells the man.”How about Susie,” the cop suggests.”Susie, I like it. Come back tomorrow for you’re drink,” said the man.The cop returns to the ghetto the next day. The guy is sitting on the curb again.”What about Susie?”the cop asked.”The man answered,” I thought about it and I decided I didn’t like it.I’ll give you two drinks if you come up with a better name” The cop thought for a moment and said” Susie’s Legs” The man agreed and told the cop to come back tomorrow for his free drinks.The next day the cop returns, and sure enough the bar is there, but it doesn’t open for another 10 minutes. He waits in his car. A young teen asks the cop what he was doing just sitting in his car. the cop replies,” I’m waiting for Susie’s Legs to open so I can get my free drinks.”
Parents
What do you call a couple who uses the rhythm method of birth control?
Parents.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Television
A blonde walks into a circuit store. She goes to the back and asks the clerk “Can I have this T.V.?” He said “No.” “Why not?” asked the blonde. “Because your a dumb blonde.”
She comes back the next day with a new hair color. She again asked the same clerk if she could have that same T.V.. He again said no. When she asked why he responded “Because that’s not a T.V., that is a microwave.
Thy rod
A very important meeting took place among God, the Pope and Moses.
They were troubled because the President of the United States was behaving in an inappropriate manner.
They decided that the only course of action left was to create an 11th Commandment to get their message across.
Now the problem remained exactly how to word this new commandment so that it matched the other commandments in style and holy inspiration.
After great meditation and discussion they concluded:
“Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff”
From Iraq
THIS JOKE DIRECT FROM BAGHDAD before the Gulf War – Submitted by one of the world’s top experts on Iraq now temporarily in Washington, D. C ——————————————————–An unemployed Iraqi was hanging out on Abu Nawas street in Baghdad recovering from a hangover and started to become very hungry. He looked around and saw no food in the street so he decided he would have to ask for a handout.He passed a liquor store and knew that the owner was a religious Christian, so he searched around for a few hours and finally found a picture of Jesus on the cross to try to ingratiate himself to the man.So the guy walked into the store and said ‘My friend, I am a poor homeless man and am very hungry. In the memory of Jesus – and here he took out the picture of Jesus on the Cross – would you please be so kind and help me?’The shop owner responded. ‘My poor friend, The lord has been good to me so here is a dinar (about $3 at the time) I hope this will help you get a warm meal.’Rather than buying food, the man passed a local bar and walked in to find a drink. Over time, his dinar evaporated into alcohol and he found himself in a drunken stupor on the bank of the Tigris River, just off Abu Nawas Street. He woke up 2 days later, now even hungrier than before, and realized how stupid he had been. He decided that he would go back to the kind liquor store owner.Unfortunately, he lost his picture of Jesus and spent several hours looking around for it. To no avail, he just could not find it. The only thing he could find was a recent photo of Saddam Hussein on the wall. So he picked it up and walked back to the store.The store owner greeted him and the man said, ‘My friend, you were so kind before. Now I ask you again if you can help me in the name of our glorious leader, The ‘Historical Necessity’, ‘the Defender of our country, May The Lord protect and defend him ‘(and he pulls out the photo) of ‘Saddam Hussein.’The merchant hands him over a ‘Dirham’ (approximately 5 Cents at the time) The guy was confused and asked, ‘How come when I came here 2 days ago, and I showed you a picture of Jesus on the cross, you were very gracious and gave me a dinar ($3), and now when I show you a photo of our glorious leader Saddam Hussein, May The Lord protet and defend hime, you only give me a DIRHAM ($.05)?So the merchant responds, ‘If you bring me Saddam Hussein like this – spreading his arms wide to emulate the cross – I would give you a dinar as well.’
It was a formal wedding
‘Your honor, ‘ explained the young man, ‘I’d like to get married, please.”All right, what is your age?”I’m 22, sir.”And the age of the bride?”She’s 15, sir.”15??? That’s too young — marrying you would be against the law!”I see, ‘ said the young man. ‘Could you try explaining that to the fella next to her with the shotgun?’
Notice to Employees (Includes Part Time Workers)
SICKNESS:
We will no longer accept your doctors statements as proof. We believe if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to work.
LEAVE OF ABSENCE FOR SURGERY:
We are no longer allowing this practice. As long as you are employed here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for. Anyone having operations will be FIRED immediately.
PREGNANCY:
In the event of extreme pregnancy, you will be allowed to go to the first aid room when the pains are FIVE MINUTES apart. IF it is false labor, you will have to take an hour’s leave without pay.
DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse, BUT we would like two weeks notice, as we feel it is your duty to teach someone your job.
From, THE MANAGEMENT
I Don’t Need Anything Else
A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, ‘Honey, I know we’ve been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce.’ The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph. She then says, ‘I don’t want you to try to talk me out of it, because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, and he’s a better lover than you.’ Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels. She says, ‘I want the house.’ Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph. She says, ‘I want the kids too.’ The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until he’s up to 80 mph. She says, ‘I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too.’ The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, ‘Is there anything you want?’ The husband says, ‘No, I’ve got everything I need right here.’ She asks, ‘What’s that?’ The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, ‘I’ve got the airbag!’
Redneck quickies 26
You might be a rednack if…
You’ve ever worn hunter’s orange to church.
You have barnyard animals living in your house.
Every pair of jeans you own has a tobacco can ring worn in one of the rear pockets.
Your truck has a bumper sticker that reads, “Gun control is a steady hand.”
Your wife has ever torn her hose on the boogers stuck under the front of the pickup seat.
You have ever had a special loaded gun by the back door only for use on possums.
You have ever shot a possum on your porch.
You don’t use a garbage service because it must be placed up near the mail box and you can’t see far enough thru the trees to shoot the neighbors’ dogs when they get into it.
You only go to the dump when you have enough to fill up the pickup.
You have more than 500 rounds of ammunition in your house….not including 22 caliber.
You have guns in your house that you cannot find.
You think a night of fine dining is going to the Snack Bar at Wal-Mart while the automotive department is raising your truck another 8 inches.
You think Wal-Mart is expensive.
You’ve got more guns “On Display” than Wal-Mart Sporting Goods.
You have ever written a check for less than a dollar.
Your horse wears shoes, but you don’t.
It doesn’t bother you when you walk through a barn barefooted.
You name your twin boys Jack and Daniel.
You ask your 10-year old son how to spell a word.
Your dog is your alarm clock.
Can’t See Me
A married man left work early on a Friday. Instead of going home, however, he squandered the entire weekend (and his paycheck) partying with the boys.
When he finally returned home on Sunday night, he ran into a barrage of epithets from his furious wife. After a couple of hours of nagging and berating, his wife asked, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for a couple of days?”
“That would suit me just fine” he replied.
Monday went by, and the man didn’t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went, with the same result. Come Thursday, the swelling had gone down a bit and he could see her, just a little, out of the corner of his left eye.