Author: admin

Three friends die in a car crash and go to heaven. At the gates of heaven, St.
Peter tells them that they can stay in heaven as long as they don’t step on a
duck. If they do, says St. Peter, then the duck will quack loudly and will make
a lot of noise. So the men agree, thinking, “How hard could it be to avoid a
duck?” As soon as St. Peter lets them in, they see ducks everywhere.

The first man, Jim, immediately steps on a duck. The duck makes a lot of
noise, and as punishment, God comes and chains him to an annoying idiot who
never stops talking.

The second guy, Steve, steps on a duck a little bit later, and his punishment
are being chained to an ugly old woman.

The third guy, Bob, is very careful and manages not step on a duck. Finally
God comes up to him and chains a beautiful woman to him. “Wow”, says Bob, “what
did I do to deserve this?”

Says God, “You didn’t do anything, and she stepped on a duck.”

A woman walks into Target to return a faulty toaster she just purchased the day before. She walks up to the Customer Service counter and slams the toaster down. The pimple-faced boy looks up and says,”Welcome to Target. May I help you?”The woman glares at him and says, “I’d like to return this toaster I bought yesterday.”The boy, looking puzzled, asks,”Ok, ma’am. Do you have your receipt?”She shakes her head no. The clerk then says, “I’m sorry ma’am, without a receipt, you cannot make a return.”The woman begins to yell,”Grab my breasts! Grab my breasts!”The boy is embarrassed and confused. He looks around and spots his manager; frantically, he beckons him over.”Sir, this lady would like to return this toaster she bought yesterday.” The manager looks at the woman and says,”Do you have a receipt?” Once again, the woman says no.”I’m sorry, the Target policy states that we cannot take returns without a receipt.”Suddenly, the woman begins to shout again, “Grab my breasts! Grab my breasts!”The manager looks at her and says,”Why do you keep saying to grab your breasts?”The woman looks at him and says,”Because, I like to have my breasts grabbed when I’m getting fucked!”

One day, a sign appeared in an office window. It read: “Help wanted. Must type 70 words a minute. Must be computer literate. Must be bilingual. An equal opportunity employer.” A dog ambling down the street, saw the sign, walked in, and applied for the job.

The office manager said, “I can’t hire a dog for this job.”

The dog pointed to the line: “An equal opportunity employer.”

So the manager said, “OK, take this letter and type it.”

The dog went off to the word processor and returned a minute later with the finished letter, perfectly formatted.

The manager said, “Here’s a problem. Write a computer program for it and run it.”

Fifteen minutes later, the dog came back with the correct answer.

The manager still wasn’t convinced. “I can’t hire a dog for this position. You’ve got to be bilingual.”

The dog looked up at the manager and said, “Meow.”

Your Like A Shotgun One Cock And Your Ready Blow

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in “fashion sense.” The man walks up tto him and says, “I didn’t know you were into earrings.””Don’t make such a big deal, it’s only an earring,” he replies sheepishly.”So, really? How long have you been wearing one?””Ever since my wife found it in our bed.”

Yo’ mama so fat, they had to take aerial shots for her senior pictures!