Author: admin

Another Apology to China

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It is with deep regret, hesitation and contrition that I, the President of the United States of America offer apology to the Chinese Nation and its peoples. I apologize for the heinous act performed by our large, sluggish, propeller driven airplane when it got in the way of your highly maneuverable, supersonic, technologically superior jet aircraft.

Furthermore, I sincerely regret the fact that by flying in international airspace, we afforded your highly competent pilot the opportunity to fly his aircraft into our own, causing him to spiral to his death into the ocean. We regret the choice made by said pilot when he used deficient judgment in electing to attempt aerial intimidation upon our slower moving, unarmed surveillance vehicle.

This situation brings to mind a similar episode when I was in grade school and my face got in the way of a schoolyard bully’s fist. He broke a bone in his hand and I felt compelled to apologize for that incident as I do for this one.

Let me summarize by stating that it is our sincere hope that you accept this heartfelt apology for the actions committed by your pilot. We are sorry that we got in the way.

We are sorry that we had to leave international airspace and land in Chinese Territory. We are sorry that you were forced to provide food and housing for our military personnel. Most of all we are sorry that you have in your possession, some of our most technically advanced surveillance equipment on the planet.

I hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive us. I hope that you will soon be compelled to release our men and our property because, I really don’t want to have to apologize again when we have to kick your ass.

Sincerely,

George W. Bush

President of the United States of America

Dos amigos se encuentran despues

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Dos amigos se encuentran despues de un tiempo sin verse:

“Oye Juan, pero como has subido de peso, tu que apenas pesabas unos kilos, cual es el m�todo.”

“Muy sencillo, lo �nico que hay que hacer es no discutir por nada nunca llevar la contraria.”

“No, pero no ser� por eso compadre, tiene que haber otra cosa.”

“Ah, pues como usted diga, seguro que no ser� por eso…”

Heavy Thinker-like Drinker

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The Heavy Thinker

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.

I began to think alone – “to relax,” I told myself – but I knew it wasn’t true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.

I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don’t mix, but I couldn’t stop myself.

I began to avoid friends at lunch time so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, “What is it exactly we are doing here?”.

Things weren’t going so great at home either. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother’s.

I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me in. He said, “Skippy, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don’t stop thinking on the job, you’ll have to find another job.” This gave me a lot to think about.

I came home early after my conversation with the boss.
“Honey,” I confessed, “I’ve been thinking…”

“I know you’ve been thinking,” she said, “and I want a divorce!”

“But Honey, surely it’s not that serious.”

“It is serious,” she said, lower lip aquiver. “You think as much as college professors, and college professors don’t make any money, so if you keep on thinking we won’t have any money!”

“That’s a faulty syllogism,” I said impatiently, and she began to cry. I’d had enough. “I’m going to the library,” I snarled as I stomped out the door.

I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche, with a PBS station on the radio. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors… they didn’t open. The library was closed.

To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night.

As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. “Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?” it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker’s Anonymous poster.

Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was “Porky’s.” Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.

I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home.
Life just seemed… easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.

You’d press the “start” button to shut o

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At a recent COMDEX, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with
the auto industry and stated: “If GM had kept up with technology like the
computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got
1000 miles to the gallon.”
In response to Bill’s comments, General Motors issued a press release stating
(by Mr. Welch himself):
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft; we would all be driving cars
with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new
car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would
just accept this restart and drive on.
. 4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your
car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to
reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought “Car95” or
“CarNT.” But then you would have to buy more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five
times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of
the roads.
7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced
by a single “general car default” warning light.
8. The airbag system would say, “Are you sure?” before going off.
9. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and
refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the
key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.
10. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand
McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor
want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car’s
performance to diminish by 50% or more.
Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice
Department.
11. Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to
drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same
manner as the old car.
12. You’d press the “start” button to shut off the engine.

Some Words of Wisdom

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Some Words of Wisdom…

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.
Your kid may be an honor student, but you’re still an idiot.
If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?
Few women admit their age and few men act theirs.
I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.
LOVE: Two vowels, two consonants, and two fools.
According to my calculations, the problem doesn’t exist.
Some people are alive only because it is illegal to kill them.
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
Forget about world peace…Visualize using your turn signal.
WARNING: Dates on calendar are closer than they appear.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
We have enough youth. How about a Fountain of Smart?
Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Always remember you’re unique. Just like everyone else.
LOTTERY: A tax on people who are bad at math.
PURITANISM: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
CONSCIOUSNESS: That annoying time between naps.
We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.
There are 3 Kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can’t.
Why is “abbreviation” such a long word?
Ever stop to think, and then forget to start again?
DIPLOMACY: The art of saying “nice doggie!” until you can find a rock.
Lead me not into temptation…I can find it myself.

I love

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I love animals, they taste great.EARTH FIRST! We’ll stripmine the other planets later. “Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.” Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. The gene pool could use a little chlorine. Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot. He who laughs last thinks slowest! Give me ambiguity or give me something else. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Honey, I have a headache…

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A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 AM.

Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. She sleepily sat up and said, “Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I’ve got a splitting headache.”

“Certainly, honey,” he said, and feeling his way across the room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, “Say,” said the druggist, “aren’t you Officer Fenwick of the 8th District?”

“Yes, I am,” said the officer.

“Well, then, what in the world are you doing in the Fire Chief’s uniform?”