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Following an especially angry argument, Mr. and Mrs. Smith went to bed not speaking to each other.
Needing to arise early the following morning, Mr. Smith left a note on his wife’s bedside table that said “Wake me at six.”
An exasperated Mr. Smith awoke at ten the following morning and rolled stiffly out of bed to see a note on his bedside table.
“It’s six, you bum! Get out of bed!”
A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Englishmen are waiting.
“Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?” he says. The two Englishmen just stare at him.
“Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?”
The two continue to stare.
“Parlare Italiano?” No response,
“Hablan ustedes Espanol?” Still nothing. the Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.
The first Englishman turns to the second and says, “Y’know, maybe we should learn a foreign language….”
“Why?” says the other, “That bloke knew four languages, and it didn’t do him any good.”
Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died yesterday of a severe yeast
infection. He was 71. Known to friends as Brown-n-Serve, Fresh was an avid
gardener and tennis player. Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral
ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs.
Butter worth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Aunt Jemima, Betty Crocker,
the Hostess Twinkies, and Skippy. The graveside was piled high with flours as
longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing fresh as a man who
“never knew how much he was kneaded.”
Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many
turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough
on half-baked schemes — conned by those who puttered him up. Still, even as a
crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. His second wife survives
fresh. They have two children and another bun in the oven. The funeral was held
at 350 for about 20 minutes.
a tramp walked down a street kicking a can and he kicked it so hard the sole of his shoe whent flying over a wall but in the distance he saw a church so he walked in to the church, thinking he would get a bit to eat. the priest shoted all good souls go to heaven so the tramp shouted my sole didnt it went over the wall
It is once again time to vote for-the Darwin Award nominees for 1997. As you may already know, the Darwin Awards are for those nominees who will not be contributing to the gene pool (thankfully).NOMINEE No.8 lAP, St. Louis] Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it in his mouth, and walked out without paying for it. Police found him unconscious in front of the store; paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat, where it had choked him to death.
“Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons.” –
Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science,
1949.
“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.”
–Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.
“I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and
talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data
processing is a fad that won’t last out the year.” – The editor
in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957.
“But what is it good for?” — Engineer at the Advanced Computing
Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.
“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.”
— Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment
Corp., 1977.
“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously
considered as means of communication. The device is inherently
of no value to us.” – Western Union internal memo, 1876.
“The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who
would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?” — David
Sarnoff’s associates in response to his urgings for investment
in the radio in the 1920’s.
“The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to
earn better than a ‘C,’ the idea must be feasible.” — A Yale
University management professor in response to Fred Smith’s
paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went
on to found Federal Express Corp.)
“Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?” — H.M. Warner, Warner
Brothers, 1927.
“I’m just glad it’ll be Clark Gable who’s falling on his face
and not Gary Cooper.” –Gary Cooper on his decision not to take
the leading role in “Gone With The Wind.”
“A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research
reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy
cookies like you make.” –Response to Debbi Fields’ idea of
starting Mrs. Fields’ Cookies.
“We don’t like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.”
– Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.
“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” — Lord
Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.
If I had thought about it, I wouldn’t have done the experiment.
Then literature is full of examples that said you can’t do
this.” — Spencer Silver, on the work that led to the unique
adhesives for 3m Post-It” Notepads.
“So we went to Atari and said, ‘Hey, we’ve got this amazing
thing even built with some of your parts, and what do you think
about funding us? Or, we’ll give it to you. We just want to do
it. Pay our salary, we’ll come work for you.’ And they said,
‘No.’ So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, ‘Hey,
we don’t need you. You haven’t got through college yet.'” —
Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari
and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak’s personal computer.
“Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and
reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum
against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge
ladled out daily in high schools.” –1921 New York Times
editorial about Robert Goddard’s revolutionary rocket work.
“You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development
across all of your muscles? It can’t be done. It’s just a fact
of life. You just have to accept inconsistent muscle development
as an unalterable condition of weight training.” — Response to
Arthur Jones, who solved the unsolvable problem by inventing
Nautilus.
“Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find
oil? You’re crazy.” –Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to
enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.
“Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high
plateau.” – Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale
University, 1929.
“Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value.” –
Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure
de Guerre.
“Everything that can be invented has been invented.” – Charles
H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.
“Louis Pasteur’s theory of germs is ridiculous fiction”. —
Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872
“The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from
the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon”. – Sir John Eric
Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to
Queen Victoria 1873.
“640K ought to be enough for anybody.” – Bill Gates, 1981
A guy walks into a bar. He tells the bartender he has no money, but in exchange for a beer he’ll show him a trick he’ll never forget.
The bartender shakes his head but goes ahead and gives the man a beer.
The guy takes a rat out of one pocket and a frog out of another. The rat scurries over to the bar’s piano and plays a tune. The frog belts out the song in perfect harmony with the rat’s piano playing.
A few minutes later another man walks over and offers the customer $100 for the frog. He instantly accepts, and gives the other man the frog.
“Are you nuts?” the bartender asks. “That frog could be worth a fortune to you.”
“Don’t be so sure,” the customer says. “The rat’s a ventriloquist.”
A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with
another man. So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put his Wet
Willy in a vise. He secured it tightly and removed the handle. Then he picked up
a hacksaw.
The man, terrified, screamed, “Stop! Stop! You’re not going to. To. Cut it
off, are you?”
The husband said, with a gleam of revenge in his eye, “Nope. You are. *I’m*
going to set the garage on fire.”
A blond man walks into his bed room and there is his wife,
naked, sweating, and breathing hard. He walks over to her and
asks ” what is worng?” to which she answers ” honey, i am having
a heart attack.”
Her husband than sarts running all over the house, calling the
hospital, getting her cloths toghether. All of a sudden his son
comes running up to him and says ” daddy, daddy, uncle mike is
hiding in the closet , naked!” So the man rushes over to the
closet, and opens it and there is uncle mike, in his birthday
suit, the man starts yelling at him ” what are you doing here?
my wife is having a heart attack and you are running around
naked scaring the kids??!?!?!?!?!?”
what do you call a boiling egg?
A egg in water!!!
When I was in jr. high, all I wanted was a girl with large breasts.
In high school, I dated a girl with large breasts, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl.
In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she cried all the time. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability.
I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She never got excited about anything. So I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
I found an exciting girl, but I couldn’t keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She was directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.
After college, I found an ambitious girl and married her. She was so ambitious, she divorced me and took everything I owned.
Now all I want is a girl with large breasts!
A guy goes into a bar and seats himself next to a hot looking woman. After a few drinks he musters the courage to talk to her. After a few more drinks and a little conversation he leans over to the woman and asks, “Can I smell your Pussy?”The woman is outraged and answers with a stern, “Of course not!”The drunk man replies…….”Oh, then it must be your feet.”