WARNING- im having a blonde moment speak slowely and use small words.
Author: admin
Requesting a three day pass
An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass. The CO says “Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!” So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank! The CO was so impressed, he asked “How did you do it?” “Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, “Do you want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!”
V.D. ?
A young couple was making passionate love in the guy’s van (shag carpets, big double mattress in the back… all that) when suddenly the girl, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out “Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!”
The guy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips on hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the aerial off his van and proceeds to whip the girl until they both collapse in sadomasochistic ecstasy.
About a week later, the girl notices that the marks left by the whipping session are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor.
The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, “Did you get these marks having sex?”
The girl is a little embarrassed but admits that, yes, she did.
Nodding his head knowingly the doctor exclaims, “I thought so, because in all my years of doctoring, you’ve got the worst case of van aerial disease that I’ve ever seen!”
Submitted by ���rt��
Edited by Clark Kent
Place to hang their air freshener.
Q. Why do women pierce their bellybutton?
A. Place to hang their air freshener.
A Sumo wrestler shaves his legs.
Q. How can you tell a sumo wrestler from a feminist?
A. A Sumo wrestler shaves his legs.
Don’t Play God!
God is tired of man thinking more highly of himself than he
ought to, and he’s especially upset now that man is messing with
DNA and cloning. So he comes down to earth just as there’s a
Scientist’s Convention going on.
After the last speaker speaks, God walks up to the podium and
introduces himself – “Hello, I am God. Yes, I am real, and I am
sick of you all trying to play Me. I am the Creator and you need
to stay out of my business.”
One of the scientists stands up and says, “Well, I tell you
what, God. Let’s go outside, and if I can make a man, you leave
us alone. If I can’t, we’ll stop.”
God agrees and they go outside. God spits in the dirt and starts
molding a man out of the mud. The scientist also bends down and
takes a handful of dirt.
“Wait!” God says, “Get your own dirt!”
Name It
After a hot, hard day’s work Joe went into a bar to quench his thirst. He walked up to the bar and asked the bartender for a beer.
The bartender replied “There’s one thing every man has to do here before getting served. You have to tell me the name of your penis.”
Joe thought it was a bit silly and asked the bartender what he named his. The bartender said ” I named mine Nike…like you know…just go for it!”
So he thought about it for a few minutes then said ” I got one…Secret.” The bartender said “Why Secret?” Joe said “Well…it’s strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.”
TV Rubbish
I absolutley hate sex on the television…..
I keep falling off!
Did you hear Clinton doesn’t
Did you hear Clinton doesn’t use bookmarks?
He just bends over and sticks the pages!
The exact same answer for each
This simple three question test illustrates how often Bill Clinton must be telling lies.1. Is the Pope catholic?2. Does Windows have bugs? 3. Does Clinton lie?
Q: How many sci.math
Q: How many sci.math readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?A: Pi. Two hold the ladder, one the bulb, but something irrational remains about it.
Impossible Wish
A man walking along a beach stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up, rubbed it, and out popped a genie.
The genie said, “Okay…you released me from the lamp… blah, blah, blah. You get one wish!”
The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, “I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I’m afraid to fly as I get a sick feeling within. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?”
The genie laughed and said, “That’s impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Also, think of how much concrete would be needed…how much steel!! No, you must think of another wish.”
The man said, “Okay,” and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, “I’ve been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don’t care about them and that I’m insensitive. So, I wish I could understand women, know how they feel inside, what they’re thinking when they give me the silent treatment, know why they’re crying, know what they really want when they say ‘nothing,’ know how to make them truly happy…”
The genie looks at the man and asks, “You want that bridge two lanes or four?”