Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they
can find Kuwait.
–A. Whitney Brown
Author: admin
Neither has a good head on their shoulders.
Q: What do President Bush and Ted Williams have in common?
A: Neither has a good head on their shoulders.
T.G.I.F
Q: Why did the blonde put T.G.I.F on all of her bras?
A: Titties Go In First.
19 ways to confuse Santa Claus
1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note
explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.
2. While he’s in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a
speeding ticket.
3. Leave him a note, explaining that you’ve gone away for the
holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.
4. While he’s in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact
replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get
them to fly.
5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull
goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees
that big, red Santa suit!
6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding
signs that say “We hate Christmas,” and “Go away Santa.”
7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus
called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf
of bread on his way home.
8. While he’s in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As
soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn’t
have missed that last payment, and take off.
9. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out,
with a note that says, “For The Tooth Fairy.
10. Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few
drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, “For
Santa.”
11. Take everything out of your house as if it’s just been
robbed and when Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman
and say, “Well, well. They always return to the scene of the
crime.”
12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute
changes and corrections.
13. While he’s in the house, cover the top of the chimney with
barbed wire.
14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa’s
sure to see them. Go outside, yell, “Ooh! Look! A deer! And he’s
got a red nose!” and fire a gun.
15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you’ve moved. Include a
map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.
16. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa
to get caught in it, and then explain that you’re sorry, but
from a distance, he looked like a bear.
17. Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.
18. Paint “hoof-prints” all over your face and clothes. While
he’s in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up,
act like you’ve been “trampled.” Threaten to sue.
19. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.
Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then
say, “This neighborhood ain’t big enough for the both of us.”
Sleeping with Mommy
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, “Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?” The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. “I can’t, dear,” she said. “I have to sleep in Daddy’s room.” A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: “The big sissy.”
Im so cool
im so cool it hurts you dosnt it ya thats whut i thought foo
Irish drunk
An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, ‘So, you’ve been out drinking again!!’ ‘What makes you say that?’ he asked, putting on an innocent look. ‘The pub called-you left your wheelchair there again.’
Anti-War Slogans
Draft The Bush Twins
Don’t Mess With Mesopotamia
War Is SO 20th Century
When Bush Comes To Shove
Brains Not Bombs
War Is A Dick Thing, Peace Is A Heart Thing
George Dubya: Weapon Of Mass Distraction
Beat The Bushes For Peace
Weapons Of Mass Destruction: Look Under The Bushes
Drop Bush, Not Bombs
Bombing For Peace Is Like F*cking For Virginity
Evolve! Work For A Non-violent Future
If War Is The Answer, We’re Asking The Wrong Question
Killing Innocent People Is The Problem, Not The Solution
Save America, Spare Iraq, Make Texas Take Him Back
Real Patriots Drive Hybrids
Drop Names, Not Bombs
Who Would Jesus Bomb?
Stop Mad Cowboy Disease
George Bush Couldn’t Run A Laundromat
Bush Is A Servant Of Sauron. We Hates Him!
Make Love, Not W
There Is No Path To Peace – Peace IS The Path
Justice, Or Just Us?
Sorry, Dubya – Have A Pretzel Instead
Pretzel – It Does A Country Good
Tame The Tyrant In The Mirror, Then The One In Iraq
Cheney, Bush, Rumsfeld: Axis Of Weasel
Go Solar, Not Ballistic
Faster Trains, Not Planes
Nonviolence, Not Nonexistence
A Village In Texas Has Lost Its Idiot
How Many Lives Per Gallon?
Make Alternative Energy, Not War
How Did Our Oil Get Under Their Soil?
Out Beyond Ideas Of Right Doing And Wrong Doing There Is A
Field. I Will Meet You There. – Rumi
Regime Change Begins At Home
More MPGs, Fewer MIAs
Put The Peace Back In
No Hitting (held by young girl)
No Oilgarchy (Oilgarchy in circle with slash across it)
God Does Not Bless Only America
Rich Man’s War, Poor Man’s Blood
Has Anyone Seen Our Constitution Lately?
What If God Blesses Iraq?
Born To Kill, Born To Drill
Let’s Try Preemptive Peace
Our Grief Is Not A Cry For War
Books, Not Bombs
If You Are Not Outraged, You Are Not Paying Attention
Bush Is A Moron: Don’t Let Him Get His War On
Make Soup, Not War
Honk If You’re A Terrorist
Smart Bombs Don’t Justify Dumb Leaders
We Have Guided Missiles And Misguided Men
Who’s The Unelected Tyrant With The Bomb?
Peaceful Solution, Not Daddy’s Retribution
Make Tea, Not War
All Humanity Is Downwind
My President Is A Psychopath
Relax, George
Fight Plaque, not Iraq! (and the guy was carrying a toothbrush).
The only bush i trust is my own!
Knock KnockWho’s there?Whoopi!Whoopi who?Whoopi cushion!
Knock KnockWho’s there?Whoopi!Whoopi who?Whoopi cushion!
Sardarji
Once sardarji going in car with his P.A.wearing a new pant in car, all the
sudden he want go for the lu & he stopped the car went for lu & came back. But
he forgot to zip his pant she starts staring down. The sardarji asked female how
is this & told that I have kept two more meter at home.
The Top 15 Signs Your Roommate Is Dead
15> He actually smells *better* these days.
14> She hasn’t chattered incessantly during “Monday Night Football” for weeks.
13> Every time the phone rings, the caller ID says “GRIM REAPER.”
12> You just blew this month’s entire grocery budget on Glade plug-ins.
11> Andrew McCarthy and Jonathan Silverman show up with an extra pair of sunglasses to take him on a series of zany misadventures.
10> For the first time in years, your pay-per-view porn bill is less than your rent.
9> She usually just eats all your yogurt, but now she’s trying to eat your brain.
8> Your date takes one look at him and asks, “What’s Keith Richards doing here?”
7> Lately, she’s become a little more receptive to your advances.
6> Roommate hanging a tie on the doorknob? Hot date.
Roommate hanging by his tie? Not so hot.
5> You don’t remember buying a bean-bag chair.
4> Last week: Steady stream of cheerleaders going into his room with beer.
This week: Goth chicks with chainsaws leaving his room with small bundles wrapped in plastic.
3> The cleaning lady has started tacking on a $50 “heebie-jeebie fee.”
2> Note on fridge: “Rent will be late, like me.”
1> He’s won a record 147 straight staring contests.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
In The Closet
Every time Timmy’s mom had her boyfriend over, she put Timmy in the closet with his teddy bear.
One day, hearing her husband coming up the stairs, she quickly shoved her boyfriend in with Timmy.
“Gee, it’s mighty dark in here,” Timmy said.
“Yes, it sure is,” replied the boyfriend.
“You wanna buy my teddy bear for fifty bucks?” asked Timmy.
“No way, kid. You’re crazy,” said the boyfriend.
“I’ll scream,” said Timmy.
So the boyfriend forked over the money.
The next time Timmy’s grandmother came to visit, she noticed that her grandson was buying candy, ice cream and comic books.
“Where did you get the money for all those things?” she asked, but Timmy wouldn’t tell her.
“Well, if you won’t tell me, you’ll have to go to confession and tell the priest,” said Grandma, and dragged Timmy off to the church.
As he entered the gloomy confession booth, Timmy said, “Gee, it’s mighty dark in here.”
“Are you going to start that shit again?” the priest replied.