Q: What is the worst thing about sex with a blonde?
A: Bucket seats.
Author: admin
Anagrams
An Anagram, as you all know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or
rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following are
exceptionally clever. Someone out there either has way too much time to waste or
is deadly at Scrabble. When you rearrange the letters:
Dormitory ……………………………. Dirty Room
Evangelist…………………………… Evil’s Agent
Desperation………………………… A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code………………… Here Come Dots
Slot Machines……………………. Cash Lost in ’em
Animosity………………………….. Is No Amity
Mother-in-law……………………..Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms…………………… Alas! No More Z’s
Alec Guinness……………………. Genuine Class
Semolina…………………………….. Is No Meal
The Public Art Galleries……… Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal Point…………………. I’m a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes……………….. That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two………………… Twelve plus one
Contradiction……………………. Accord not in it
PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA……………………. TO COPULATE HE FINDS
INTERNS
In too far
A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed.
‘If I do 250 kph, will you take off your clothes?’ he smirked. ‘Yes,’ said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 250, she peeled off all her clothes.
Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over.
The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.
‘Go and get help!’ he cried.
‘But I can’t! I’m naked and my clothes are gone!’
‘Take my shoe’ he said ‘and cover yourself.’
Holding the shoe over her privates, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor,
‘Please help me! My boyfriend’s stuck!’
The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, ‘There’s nothing I can do. He’s in too far.’
Un abogado se cas� con
Un abogado se cas� con una mujer que se hab�a casado seis veces. La noche de nupcias, en el cuarto del hotel, la novia le dice:
“Por favor, mi amor, se gentil. Mira que soy virgen.”
Perplejo, ya que conoc�a el hecho de que ella se hab�a casado en seis oportunidades anteriores el novio le pidi� a ella que se explicase.
Ella respondi�:
“Mi primer marido era un psiquiatra. El solo quer�a conversar sobre el sexo.
Mi segundo marido era ginec�logo. El solo quer�a examinar el local.
Mi tercer marido era un coleccionista de estampillas. El solo quer�a lamer.
Mi cuarto marido era Gerente de Ventas. El dec�a que sabia que ten�a el producto, pero no sab�a como utilizarlo.
Mi quinto marido era Funcionario P�blico. El dec�a que comprend�a perfectamente como era, pero no ten�a la certeza de que fuera competencia de el.
Mi sexto marido era T�cnico en Electr�nica. El dec�a que si estaba funcionando mejor era dejarlo tranquilo y no meterse con el.
Por eso es que ahora me estoy casando con un abogado, �porque estoy totalmente segura de que usted me va a joder!”
The winning bid
Three contractors were visiting a tourist attraction on the same day. One was from New York, another from Texas, and the third from Florida. At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. When they all replied that they were contractors, the guard said, ‘Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don’t you guys take a look at it and give me a bid?’ So, to the back fence they all went to check it out. First to step up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, ‘Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.’ Next was the Texas contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, ‘Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.’ Without so much as moving, the New York contractor said, ‘$2,700.’ The guard, incredulous, looked at him and said, ‘You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?’ ‘Easy,’ he said. ‘$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we hire the guy from Texas.’
Rats
A tourist walks into a curio shop in San Francisco. Looking around at the exotica, he notices a very lifelike life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It has no price tag, but is so strikingly unique that he decides he must have it.
He takes it to the owner: “How much for the bronze rat?” “$12 for the rat, $100 for the story,” says the owner. The tourist gives the man $12. “I’ll just take the rat, you can keep the story.”
As he walks down the street carrying his bronze rat, he notices that a few real rats have crawled out of the alleys and sewers and begun following him down the street. This is disconcerting, and he begins walking faster. But within a couple of blocks, the herd of rats behind him has grown to hundreds, and they begin squealing. He begins to trot toward the Bay, looking around to see that the rats now number in the MILLIONS, and are squealing and coming toward him faster and faster. Concerned, even scared, he runs to the edge of the Bay, and throws the bronze rat as far out into the water as he can. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jump into the Bay after it, and are all drowned. The man walks back to the curio shop.
“Ah ha,” says the owner, “you have come back for the story?”
“No,” says the man, “I came back to see if you have a bronze Republican.”
Un tipo se compr� una
Un tipo se compr� una moto Ninja 1100, y para estrenarla se llev� a dos amigos, entre ellos un tartamudo:
“M�ntense, vamos a probar mi moto”.
Los dos amigos se montan y el tipo arranca como loco. Al cabo de un rato el sujeto voltea y pregunta:
“Quiubo, mano, �c�mo vamos?”
Y el tartamudo responde:
“Jajajaja ja ja ja ja…”
“�Ah, s�? �Vamos a ver!”
Y el motociclista acelera todav�a m�s. Un rato despu�s pregunta nuevamente:
“�C�mo vamos?”
“Jajaja ja ja ja jaja…”
“�Ah, s�?”
Esta vez acelera la moto a m�xima velocidad; para y, con aire de autosuficiencia, insite:
“Quiubo, �c�mo nos fue?”
“Jajajajairo se cay� en la primera vuelta!”
If You Were my Husband
A woman at a party walked up to a man and told him, ”If you were my husband I would poison your drink.”The man replied, ”If you were my wife I would drink it.”
Great Dog Fight
The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if
they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world.
One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog
fight. They’d have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and
which ever side’s dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing
side would have to lay down its arms.
The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler bitches in the
world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only
the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave
him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up
with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen.
Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get
near it. When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a
strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the
Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last
ten seconds with the Russian dog.
When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of its cage and slowly
waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of
its cage and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to
bite the Dachshund’s neck, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed the
Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at the entire Russian dog.
The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. ‘We
don’t understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working
for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler bitches in the world and
the biggest meanest Siberian wolves.”
“That’s nothing”, an American replied. “We had our best plastic surgeons
working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund.”
An Amish girl
An Amish girl and her mother were driving their buggy one day in the winter, when the girl told her mom that her hands were cold. She said to put them between her legs, so she did.
The next day the girl and her boyfriend were riding in the buggy and he said to the girl that his hands were cold. The girl said to put them between her legs and he did.
The next day the girl and her boyfriend were riding in the buggy again and he told the girl that his nose was cold and she told him to put it between her legs, so he did.
The next day the girl and her boyfriend were riding in the buggy and he told her that his penis was frozen solid, so she told him to put it between her legs and he did.
The next day the girl was riding in the buggy with her mother and asked her if she knew what a penis was. She replied, “Yes, why?”
“Because they sure do make a mess when they thaw out.”
Sex and TV
Sex on the TV is only bad if you fall off!!!
Florida Newspaper
The following was taken from a Florida newspaper:
A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house.
The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance. Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband. After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife uprighted the motorcycle and pushed it outside.
Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some papers towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet. The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to aome home. After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette.
After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated. The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband laying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance. The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street.
The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his ankle.