Children in the front seat cause accidents, accidents in the back seat
cause children.
Author: admin
El duque de Windsor es
El duque de Windsor es invitado a tomar t� al palacio de la condesa de York. Al llegar, Perkins, el mayordomo, le abre la puerta y le ayuda a quitarse el abrigo y lo lleva a guardar.
“Buenas tardes, condesa. Es un verdadero placer verla. Cada d�a usted m�s hermosa”.
“Buenas tardes, duque. Usted siempre tan caballero. Es para m� un honor que haya aceptado mi invitaci�n”.
“Por favor, no podr�a ser de otra manera, el honor es m�o”.
Cuando estaban tomando el t�, junto a unas amigas, la condesa propone jugar a las adivinanzas. Todos est�n de acuerdo y comienzan las mujeres, teniendo que adivinar el duque.
“Bueno, �sobre qu� le preguntamos?, pregunta la due�a del castillo.
“Ya s�, sobre la yegua negra de la condesa”, dice una amiga.
“A ver, duque, adivine: es negra y suave, pero cuando se le toca mucho se para y se vuelve brava y salvaje”.
“�Una pinga!”, responde r�pidamente el noble.
“�Oh, es usted un mal educado! �C�mo se le ocurre!”, se ofenden las amigas.
“�Perkins, por favor, traiga el abrigo del duque porque se retira!”, grita la arist�crata mujer indignada.
“�Oh, no, disc�lpeme! No s� qu� me pas�. �Por favor, damas, denme otra oportunidad!”, suplica el caballero agarr�ndose la cabeza.
“Bueno, por esta vez lo disculparemos, pero que no se repita”.
Las mujeres vuelven a debatir y deciden preguntar por una ‘collette’ para el pelo.
“Duque, aqu� va la nueva adivinanza: es redonda, entra hasta llegar al tope y les encanta a las mujeres. �Qu� es?”
“�Una pinga!”
“�Oh, esto es terrible, no lo podemos creer! �Es inadmisible, imperdonable! �Perkins, traiga el abrigo del duque que se retira!”, grita nuevamente la condesa.
“�No, por favor, disculpen mi mala educaci�n!. Seguramente se debe al largo viaje. Nunca antes me pas� algo as�. Pido disculpas a las damas presentes y juro no se volver� a repetir”.
“�Ser� la �ltima vez que soportemos una groser�a semejante!”, responde la condesa muy seria.
Nuevamente se re�nen para decidir cu�l ser� la palabra que deber� adivinar el duque y eligen ‘una galleta en una taza de leche’.
“Duque, �sta es su �ltima oportunidad: entra dura y desafiante; sale blanda y chorreando leche. �Qu� es?
“�Perkins, tr�igame el abrigo, eso si es una pinga, aqu� y donde sea!”, responde el duque”.
Please Engage Brain Before Speaking
Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff. –Mariah Carey
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever. –Miss Alabama in the 1994
Miss Universe contest Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana… The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can’t remember what they are. –Matt Lauer on NBC’s Today show, August 22
I haven’t committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law. –David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.
Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life. –Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign
I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body. –Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward
Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country. –Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC
The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It’s only the people who make them unsafe. –Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia
After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post. –Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island
50 things to do at Walmart
1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
4. Start playing Calvin ball; see how many people you can get to join in.
5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
6. Challenge other customers to deuls with tubes of gift wrap.
7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
9. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially down thin narrow aisles.
10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, “I think we’ve got a code 3 in Housewares,” and see what happens.
11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volume up to 10!
12. Play with the automatic doors.
13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, “Hi! I haven’t seen you in so long!…” etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrasment.
14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear,”Who BUYS this crap anyway?”
15. Repeat number 14 in the jewelry department.
16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you’re taking it for a test drive.
17. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about 5 feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.
18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.
19. As the cashier runs your purchase over the scanner, look mesmorized and say, “Wow,Magic!”
20. Put M&M’s on layaway.
21. Move “Caution: Wet FLoor” signs to carpeted areas.
22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you’ll only invite them in if they bring pillows form bed and bath.
23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can “catch” from the other aisles.
24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Puopon.
25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying , “…I’m Batman. Come, Robin- -to the Batcave!”
26. TP as much of the store as possible.
27. Randomly throw things into the neighboring aisles.
28. Play with the calculators so that they spell “hello” upside down.
29. When some one asks you if you need help, begin to cry and ask, “Why won’t you people just leave me alone?”
30. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, “Red Rover!”
31. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hire employees if there are any in stock, i.e., “Do you have any Shnerples here?”
32. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joe vs. the X-Men.
33. Take bets on the battle described above.
34. Nonchalantly “test” the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
35. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.
36. Hold indoor shopping cart races.
37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from “Mission: Impossible”
38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.
40. Say things like, “Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?”
41. Set up a “Valet Parking” sign in front of the store.
42. Two words: “Marco Polo.”
43. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.
44. “Re-alphebetize” the CD’s in electronics.
45. In the auto department, practice your “Madonna” look with various funnels.
46. When some one steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it wiithout saying a word.
47. Relax in the pation furniture until you get kicked out.
48. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream,”No,no! It’s those voices again!”
49. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.
50. Drag a lounge chair over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
Redneck quickies 31
You might be a redneck if…You have to duct tape your gloves on. You’ve ever pruned your trees with a shotgun. Someone says they spotted Bigfoot and you go buy tickets to the tractor pull.You think that Marlboro is a cologne. Your best coat is a black and red checkered. You put your Christmas lights up 2 weeks after taking them down. You consider duct tape and tarp straps necessities for auto body repair. You raise the confederate flag in the bed of your truck whenever you go for a drive.You can’t wait for the Saturday night square dance. You refer to your truck as if it had a legal first name. You’ve ever been given a gun as a present. Flannel is your favorite color.You or one of your relatives is named Cletus. Your grandfather can sense a storm coming by a mysterious twitching in his knee.The make, model, and license plate number of your truck are obscured by a layer of mud.You have got more bumper stickers than children. Your wife has ever taken two pairs of shoes to a funeral: one pair to trudge thru the wet Georgia red clay between the house and the pickup, and the other pair to wear at the funeral.You have ever been in a funeral where the flower truck was a pickup, particularly if it belonged to one of the family, more particularly if it was yours.You have ever had to stop at a car wash on the way to a funeral to wash the dump dirt from the back of your pickup so you can use it as a flower truck.Your clawfoot bathtub has ever been unusable because your wife was using it as a brooder.
Snow Plow
It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her daddy’s advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in the snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and she started to follow it.
As she followed the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions. After quite some time had passed she was somewhat surprise when the snow plow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window. The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time.
She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy’s advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard. The driver replied that it was OK with him and she could continue if she wanted but he was done with the WalMart parking lot and was going over to K-Mart next.
What do you call a
What do you call a sheep tied to a pole in the middle of Wales?
A leisure centre!
Reasons for Being French
* when speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay.
* experience the joy of winning the world cup for the first time.
* you get to eat insect food like snails and frog”s legs.
* if there”s a war you can surrender really early.
* you don”t have to read the subtitles on those late night films on tv.
* you can test your own nuclear weapons in other people”s countries.
* you can be ugly and still become a famous film star.
* allow germans to march up and down your most famous street humiliating your
sense of national pride.
* you don”t have to bother with toilets, just s*** in the street.
* people think you”re a great lover even when you”re not.
Windows95…
- Windows95 (noun)
- 32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit
patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit
microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company, that can’t stand 1 bit of
competition.
Skin Transplant
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft the skin from her body, so the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor found suitable would have to come from his rear end. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.” “My darling,” he replied,” think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”
A man takes his wife to the local livestock…
A man takes his wife to the local livestock show and they begin to walk
down the line of prize bulls. The sign above the first bull says, “This bull mated 52 times last year.” The wife turns to the husband and says, “Gee, 52 times a year, that’s once a week – you could learn something from this bull.”
They proceed to the next bull and the sign above him says, “This bull
mated 125 times last year.” The wife turns to the husband and says, “Wow, 125 times a year – you could definitely learn something from this bull.”
When they arrive at the next bull, the sign above him says, “This bull
mated 365 times last year.” The wife’s mouth drops open and she says,
“Oh my gosh – that’s ONCE A DAY – you could REALLY learn something from THIS bull!!!”
The husband then turns to his wife and says, “Go up and inquire if it
was 365 times last year with the SAME cow.”
The Great Escape
A man calls the psychiatrist at a mental hospital and asks who’s in room
24.
“Nobody” comes the reply.
“Good” says the man, “I must have escaped!”