yo mama so fat she uses highway 84 for a slip’n’ slide
Author: admin
Taxidermist
My brother tired of being a taxidermist after 15 years, and went to veterinarian school. His new
business never got off the ground so he decided to operate both his taxidermy and vet business together to save money.
His new slogan was:
“No Matter What Happens – You Get Your Cat Back!”
The Rabbi’s Advice
A man has been in business for many, many years and the business is going down the drain. He is seriously contemplating suicide and he doesn’t know what to do. He goes to the Rabbi to seek his advice.
He tells the Rabbi about all of his problems in the business and asks the Rabbi what he should do.
The Rabbi says, “Take a beach chair and a Bible and put them in your car and drive down to the edge of the ocean. Go to the water’s edge. Take the beach chair out of the car, sit on it and take the Bible out and open it up. The wind will riffle the pages for a while and eventually the Bible will stay open at a particular page. Read the first words your eyes fall on and they will tell you what to do.”
The man does as he is told. He places a beach chair and a Bible in his car and drives down to the beach. He sits on the chair at the water’s edge and opens the bible. The wind riffles the pages of the Bible and then stops at a particular page. He looks down at the Bible and his eyes fall on words which tell him what he has to do.
Three months later the man and his family come back to see the Rabbi.
The man is wearing a $1,000 Italian suit, the wife is all decked out with a full-length mink coat and the child is dressed in beautiful silk. The man hands the Rabbi a thick envelope full of money and tells him that he wants to donate this money to the synagogue in order to thank the Rabbi for his wonderful advice.
The Rabbi is delighted. He recognizes the man and asks him what words in the Bible brought this good fortune to him.
The man replies: “Chapter 11”.
Rule of Thumb
The phrase “rule of thumb” is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn’t beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
And the winner is?
Tom, Dick and Harry were in the pub enjoying a few quiet drinks one night, when they decided to get in on the weekly raffle. They bought five $1 tickets each, seeing it was for charity. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, they each won a prize. Tom won the first prize – a whole year’s supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce. Dick was the winner of the second prize – six month’s supply of extra-long gourmet spaghetti. And Harry won the sixth prize – a toilet brush. When they met in the pub a week later, Harry asked the others how they were enjoying their prizes. ‘Great,’ said Tom. ‘I love spaghetti.’ ‘So do I,’ said Dick. ‘And how’s the toilet brush, Harry?’ ‘Not so good,’ Harry said, ‘I reckon I’ll go back to paper…’
Q. Did you hear
Q. Did you hear about Delta Burke’s tragic suicide attempt?
A. She tried to harpoon herself.
Fag raod
your dads face is so flat you could draw a line in the middle and call it a road.
No rest on this island
A group of people were in a shipwreck and were stranded on an island.
The group consisted of 12 women and 1 man. After a few months, the women grew horny and it was decided that the man needed to take two women a day and they allowed him to have Sundays off.
One day on a day off, he was just relaxing when he noticed a boat nearing. He felt hopeful that maybe they would be rescued, at last.
The boat was almost to the island when the guy noticed it was a man in the boat. As he got out the first guy said “Oh my God buddy, am I ever glad to see YOU, To which the second guy responded “Well alright sweetie! It’s been a long time for me too.”
The first man exclaimed “Oh hell, there go my Sundays!”
Two Sides of the Story
HER SIDE OF THE STORY
My husband was in an odd mood Saturday night. We planned to meet at a cafe for a drink. I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit later than I promised but he didn’t say anything about it. I don’t remember doing anything to make him upset, but I could tell there was something wrong.
The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off to someplace intimate so we could talk more privately. We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I was getting really worried, what did I do? What was bothering him? Was he mad at me?
I tried to cheer him up, but started to wonder what was bothering him. Was it me or something else? I asked him if he was upset with me, he said no. But I wasn’t really sure. In the car on the way back home, I said that I loved him deeply and he just put his arm around me. I didn’t know what the heck that meant because, you know, he didn’t say it back or anything. We finally got back home and I was wondering if he was going to leave me! So I tried to get him to talk but he just switched on the TV.
Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to bed. Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and to my surprise, we made love. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I wanted to confront him but didn’t, so I just cried myself to sleep. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I mean, I really think he’s seeing someone else.
HIS SIDE OF THE STORY
Played badly today — shot 97 – – -can’t putt for shit! Felt kind of tired.
Got laid though.
Have you heard the one about the . . . ….
Have you heard the one about the . . . .
. . . executive who was so old that when he chased his secretary around
the
desk, he couldn’t remember why.
Bucket seats.
What is the worst thing about sex with a blonde?
Bucket seats.
Sandwitches
Their was a boy and a girl at camp and they dicide they want to hace sex on the top bunk.So they to have code words. THey make harder “lettace lettace” and stop “tomato tomato.” So they up their aand you hear ” LETTACE LETTACE TOMATO TOMATO LETTACE TOMATO LETACE!!!” Then the boy and the bunk balow says ” can uyou guys stop making sandwitches up their your getting mayo all over wy face.