What do you call a cow that won’t give milk?
A milkdud!
Author: admin
College classes for women
New College Courses for Women
1. Silence, the final frontier: Where no woman has gone before.
2. The undiscovered side of Banking: How to make deposits.
3. Combating the Meld Marcos Syndrome: You don’t need new shoes everyday.
4. Learn how not to inflict your Diets on other people.
5. Nag – how to overcome your tendency to be a fishwife.
6. An invitation to a party does not mean that you have to have a new outfit.
7. Man Management: Discover how the garbage can wait until after the game.
8. Personal Space: Leaving at least enough space in the bathroom cupboard for
your partner�s toothbrush.
9. Valuation: Just because it’s not important to you.
10. Communication Skills I: Tears as the last resort and not the first.
11. Communication Skills II: How to think before speaking.
12. What he really wants: Is buying the right razor blades so difficult.
13. Driving a car safely: A skill you can also acquire.
14. Real women drink their share at a party.
15. Telephones: How to hang up.
16. Parking: Beginners Course.
17. Parking (Advanced): Reversing into a parking space.
18. The Natural Habitat of the Towel: Why they prefer the floor.
19. Managing your weight: Its not water retention – its fat.
20. Learning to cook I: Bran is not food.
21. Learning to cook II: Bringing back bacon and eggs.
22. Compliments: How to accept them gracefully.
23. PMS: Your problem – not his.
stupid questions
I just love to fill out stupid questions on forms with equally
stupid answers. Thought I’d share a few that were emailed to me:
Form: Length of Residence…
Answer: 73 feet
Form: Are you a leader or a follower ?
Answer: A leader, but w/o many followers
Form: Reason for requesting employment
Answer: Money
Form: Pet Aversions
Answer: None, I love animals
Form: Beneficiary
Answer: Wife
Form: Relationship
Answer: Strained
Form: Purpose of withdraw
Answer: Get money to spend
Form: Person to notify in Case of Accident
Answer: Anyone in sight
Form: Number of passengers in vehicle during accident
Answer: Three
Form: Disposition of passengers
Answer: Mad as Hell !
Form: Number of employees in your office, broken down by sex
Answer: None that I know of, Liquor a much larger problem
Kurt Co-brain
What has more brains than Kurt Cobain?
The wall behind him!
In Ohio, an
In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.
The powers not delegated to the United States…
The powers not delegated to the United States by the
Constitution,
nor prohibited by it to the states, are reserved to the states
respectively,
or to the people.
– The Constitution of the United States of America
Amendment 10, 1791
Indian Weatherman
A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an Old Indian went up to the director and said, “Tomorrow rain.”
The next day it rained. A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said, “Tomorrow storm.”
The next day there was a hailstorm.
“This Indian is incredible,” said the director. He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather.
However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn’t show up for two weeks.
Finally the director sent for him.
“I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow,” said the director, “and I’m depending on you. What will the weather be like?”
The Indian shrugged his shoulders.
“Don’t know,” he said.
“Radio is broken.”
Clinton’s Favorite Things
This should be sung to the tune “A Few of My Favorite Things” from the movie�
The Sound of Music”
Blow jobs and land deals in backwater places,
Big Macs and French fries and girls with big faces,
Lots of nice cleavage that makes Willie spring,
These are a few of my favorite things
Susan McDougal and Jennifer Flowers,
Horny young interns who while ‘way the hours,
Profits from futures that Hillary brings,
These are a few of my favorite things
When that Jones bites,
When Ken Starr stings, When I’m feeling sad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don’t feel so bad
Beating the draft board and getting elected,
Naming to judgeships some hacks I’ve selected,
Conspiracy theories that blame the right wing,
These are a few of my favorite things
Golfing with Vernon and suborning perjury,
Falling down drunk that required knee surgery
Stars in the White House who come here to sing,
These are a few of my favorite things
Meeting with Boris and Helmut and Tony,
States of the Union with lots of baloney,
Winning debates and the joy of my flings,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Tips to improve your writing
31. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to the irantecedents.32. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.33. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.34. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.35. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.36. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.37. Always pick on the correct idiom.38. The adverb always follows the verb.39. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; They’re old hat; seek viable alternatives.
Double chins
My Aunt Helen has got so many double chins it looks like she is peering over a
pile of pancakes.
Womens t’s
Slogans for women’s T-shirts:
� I’m out of estrogen – I have a gun.
� Guys have feelings too. But like… who cares?
� I don’t believe in miracles. I rely on them.
� Next mood swing: six minutes.
� And your point is?
� I used to be schizophrenic, but we’re OK now.
� I’m busy. You’re ugly. Have a nice day.
� Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
� Of course I don’t look busy… I did it right the first time.
� Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
� I’m multi-talented: I can talk and annoy you at the same time.
� Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.
� You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP
� All stressed out and no one to choke.
� I’m one of those bad things that happen to good people.
� How can I miss you if you won’t go away?
� Sorry if I looked interested. I’m not.
� Objects under this shirt are larger than they appear.
The teeth
An elderly couple toddled into the local McDonalds and ordered one combo meal.
The wife carefully cut the sandwich in two and began to eat her half. The husband respectfully sat and watched.
The eating did not progress quickly, and soon the other customers bagan to notice. Finally one helpful person
offered to buy the couple another meal.
The offer was rejected with the explanation, “We share everything.”
Eventually another could stand it no longer and made the same offer. Same rejection: “No thank you, we share
everything.”
After this had gone on for what seemed to be quite a while, one bystander could no longer stand it and quizzed the man, “Then why aren’t you eating? What are you waiting for?”
The reply: “The teeth.”