Lawyer hit by a car

A lawyer’s car stalled on the side of the freeway. As he was getting out to see what was the matter, a reckless driver swerved taking off the whole car door and knocking the lawyer to the ground. A passing police car pulled over.

As the policeman got out he heard the lawyer shouting, ‘my mercedes, my brand new mercedes!” As the policeman approached he was shocked to notice the lawyer’s right arm missing.

”Do you realize your arm is gone?” asked the policeman?

The lawyer, stunned, began to scream,
“My rolex, my brand new rolex!”

Actual Business Signs In USA

In the offices of a loan company: “Ask about our plans for owning your home.”

In a classified ad: “Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.”

In a New York medical building: “Mental Health Prevention Center”

On a New York convalescent home: “For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church.”

Outside a country shop: “We buy junk and sell antiques.”

In the window of an Oregon store: “Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?”

In a classified ad: “Vacation special: Have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts.”

The “Finger”

THE HISTORICAL ORIGIN OF “THE FINGER”

This is not meant to be crude. It is strictly for your edification and
enjoyment.

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over
the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English
soldiers. Without the middle finger, it would be impossible to draw the renowned
English longbow and therefore be incapable of fighting in the future.

This famous weapon was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of
drawing the longbow was known as “plucking the yew.” Much to the bewilderment of
the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving
their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, “See, we can still pluck
yew! PLUCK YEW!”

Over the years, some ‘folk etymologies’ have grown up around this symbolic
gesture. Since ‘pluck yew’ is rather difficult to say (like “pleasant mother
pheasant pluckier”, which is who you had to go to for the feathers used on the
arrows for the longbow), the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has
gradually changed to a labiodentals fricative ‘F’, and thus the words often used
in conjunction with the one-finger-salute are mistakenly thought to have
something to do with an intimate encounter.

It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows that the symbolic
gesture is known as “giving the bird.”

El padre le dice a

El padre le dice a sus hijos:

“Si me promet�is no fumar hasta cumplir los veinti�n a�os, os dar� cien mil pesetas en ese d�a”.

La hija mayor, que tiene diecisiete a�os, recibe la noticia con entusiasmo:

“�Cien mil pesetas! �Te lo prometo, pap�!”

El segundo, que ha cumplido quince a�os, dice:

“Tendr� que pens�rmelo; me falta mucho para llegar a los veintiuno”.

El padre se dirige al menor, de diez, que escucha preocupado.

“�Y t�, Daniel, que dices?”

“�L�stima, pap�! �Por qu� no me lo ofreciste antes?”

Lipstick at School

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently
was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to
use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their
lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls
would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be
done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the
maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major
problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the
maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a
long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers, and then there are educators…

Growing Manhood

When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches. Ralph became quite concerned, so he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist. After an initial examination, the physician explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph’s condition could be cured through corrective surgery.

“How long will Ralph be on crutches?” the wife asked anxiously.

“Crutches? Why would he need crutches?” responded the surprised doctor.

“Well,” said the wife coldly, “You ARE planning to lengthen Ralph’s legs, aren’t you ?”

I Blew Chunks

3 guys go into a bar. The booze begins to flow pretty heavily in the course of the evening and the guys get split up. Next morning they’re all at work discussing what went on after they lost one other…

The first guy says, “Man I was so trashed last night I went home and blew chunks!”

The second goes, “Shit that’s nothing I was so tanked that I drove my damn car into a tree. Totaled it. I have no idea what the cops are going to do!”

The third guy says, “That’s nothing I was so drunk that I went home and starting cussing my girlfriend out and in the process knocked over a candle and it caught the whole damn apartment on fire – the insurance won’t cover it, plus my girlfriend left me.”

The first guy leans back in and whispers, “I don’t think you guys understand, Chunks is my dog.”

Lollipop Salesman

Three men were walking aimlessly in the desert. They cam upon a
castle, dying of thirst they decided to go into the castle.
Inside they found no men, just dozens of beautiful women. The
three men decided to stay (obviously, what man wouldn’t). For a
week they enjoyed themselves having sex many times a day with
the many beautiful women. After a week, the king of the castle
and his army of men came back. As he walked into his castle he
found the three men with his women. Pissed off the king ordered
his army to capture the three men and line them up against the
wall. Then the king said that each of them would be serverly
punished according to their occupation.

The king goes up the the first man and demands to know his
occupation. The first man replies…”Fireman.” The king tells
his army, “Burn off his penis.” Then he walked over to the
second man and asked his occupation. Hesitating the man
said….”I…I…I…I’m a police officer.” The king ordered,
“Shoot off his penis.” Then finally the King asks the third man
his occupation. With a huge smile on his face the man replied,
“Lollipop salesman.”