One nite a man picked a $10 hooker and got crabs. So the next day he went back to complain to her boss. Her boss called her to his office and the man with crabs said “YOU GAVE ME CRABS!!” and the hooker says, “What did you want for $10, a lobster!!!”
Author: admin
Firm Up
One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife
and pinched her on her butt and said, “You know if you firmed
this up we could get rid of your girdle.” While this was on the
edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with
silence.
The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the
breast and said, “You know if you firmed these up we could get
rid of your bra.” This was beyond a silence response, so she
rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in
place she said, “You know if you firmed this up we could get rid
of your brother!”
Yo mama is so lazy
Yo mama so lazy that she came in last place in a recent snail marathon.
How Many Blonde Jokes
Q: How many blonde jokes are there?
A: One. The rest are all true stories.
Yankee
Do you know what a Yankee is?Same as a quickie, except you’re by yourself
Q: How many lawyers
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?A: How many can you afford?
Man’ Help With Housework
What’s a man’s idea of helping with the housework?
Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.
Going Home Early
Three women who work in the same office notice that their female boss has
started leaving work early every day. One day they decide that after she leaves,
they’ll take off early, too. After all, she never calls or comes back, so how is
she to know?
The brunette is thrilled to get home early. She does a
Little gardening, watches a movie and then goes to bed
early.
The redhead is elevated to be able to get in a quick workout at her health
club before meeting a dinner dates.
The blonde is also very happy to be home early, but as she goes upstairs she
hears noises coming from her bedroom. She quietly opens the door a crack and is
mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS! Ever so gently, she closes
the door and creeps out of her house.
The next day, the brunette and the redhead talk about
leaving early again, but when they ask the blonde if she wants to leave early
also, she exclaims, “NO WAY! Yesterday I almost got caught!”
Q: How many MP’s
Q: How many MP’s does it take to change a lightbulb?A: Twenty-one. One to change it and twenty to form a fact-finding committee to learn more about how it’s done.
A Dent in the Pile!
An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site.
The foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, “You’re in charge of sweeping.”
To the Irishman he says “You’re in charge of shovelling.”
To the Chinese guy, “You’re in charge of supplies.”
He then says “Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile.”
So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, but when he returns the pile of sand is untouched.
He says to the Italian: “Why didn’t you sweep any of it!?”
The Italian replies in a heavy accent, “I no gotta broom, an’ you tella me dat de Chinese’a guy supposa bringa da supplies, but he disappear and I no finda him.”
Then the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn’t shovel. The Irishman replies in his heavy brogue, “Aye, ye did lad, but I counna get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese guy in charge of supplies, but I counna fin’ him.”
The foreman is really angry now, and storms off toward the pile of sand looking for the Chinese guy.
Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells…
!!”Supplies”!!
Signs You are an Internet Geek
Top Ten Signs You are an Internet Geek…
10. When filling out your driver’s license application you give your IP address.
9. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is “Hi, what’s your URL?”
8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.
7. You’re amazed to find out spam is a food.
6. You “ping” people to see if they’re awake, “finger” them to find out how they are, and “AYT” them to make sure they’re listening to you.
5. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.
4. You introduce your wife as “my [email protected]” and refer to your children as “client applications”.
3. At social functions you introduce your husband as “my domain server”.
2. After winning the office super bowl pool you blurt out, “I feel so “colon-right parentheses!”
And the number one sign you are an Internet Geek:
1. Two Words: “Pizza’s Here!”
Secret Gov’t Project Revealed…
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the U.S. auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, “Oh, Shit!”
Only the state of Alabama was different, where 96.4 percent of the final words were –
“Hey Y’all, hold my beer and watch this!”