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Saintly sons

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Two mothers were talking about their sons. The first said, “My son is such a
saint. He works hard, doesn’t smoke, and he hasn’t so much as looked at a woman
in over two years.”

The other woman said, “Well, my son is a saint himself. Not only hasn’t he not
looked at a woman in over three years, but he hasn’t touched a drop of liquor in
all that time.”

“My word,” the first mother said. “You must be so proud.”

I am,” the second mother replied. “And when he’s paroled next month, I’m going
to throw him a big party.”

THE EVOLUTION OF A MOM

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Yes, parenthood changes everything. But parenthood also changes with each
baby. Here, some of the ways having a second and third child differs from having
your first.
Your Clothes
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms
your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
The Baby’s Name
1st baby: You pore over baby name books and practice pronouncing and writing
combinations of all your favorites.
2nd baby: Someone has to name his or her kid after your great-aunt Mavis,
right? It might as well be you.
3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger
points.
Preparing for the Birth
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don’t bother practicing because you remember that last time,
breathing didn’t do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.
The Layette
1st baby: You perish your newborn’s clothes, color coordinate them, and fold
them neatly in the baby’s little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only
the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can’t they?
Worries
1st baby: At the first sign of distress–a whimper, a frown–you pick up the
baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your
firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical
swing.
Activities
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby
Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
Going Out
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5
times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a
number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees
blood.
At Home
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child
isn’t squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

Mayberry Hill

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There were these two boys who were late for school one day. And the first boy walked into the classroom and the teacher said why are you late he said because I was on Mayberry Hill. So the second boy walks in and the teacher says why are you late and he says because I was on Mayberry Hill. Then this new girl comes in and the teacher says whats your name and then she says my name is Mayberry Hill.

Hobos

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ok so there are three hobos 2 blacks and one white. they find this piece of bologna. the white guy say lets sleep to nite and who ever wakes up the earliest get the pieces. when they woke up the bologna was gone. we al was a sleep lat nite said the black guys. the white guy said i have a confesion to make
yankie doodle went to town riding on a donkey when u niggas went to slepp i stole the damn bologna

Tim Shandy stepped into the

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Tim Shandy stepped into the Warm Spoon, a popular Galway tavern.
To Mike Callahan, the barkeep, Shandy said “Mike, I’ll be havin’ three
whiskeys.”

Callahan set up three glasses and began to pour. “Now, Timothy, it’s not
the usual thing for you to ask for three whiskeys. It’s celebratin’, you
are.

“Ahh, ye know me too well, Micheal, ye do. Truth, and I’m
celebrating me first blow job.”

Callahan smiled benevolently and set a fourth glass on the bar. “Now,
that’s special,” he said. “For an old customer like y’rself, here’s a
fourth on the house, so I may be sharin’ your celebration with you.”

Shandy shook his head, and replied “‘Tis verra kind of ye, Micheal,
but I’m thinkin’ if three won’t get rid of the taste, four won’t either.”

Bad day

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All drivers for Red Ball Express had orders to “Never, ever pick up Hitch-hikers.”

Old Freddie Crotch was high-ballin’ down the highway and saw an unbelievably stunning blonde hitch-hiking.

Thinking with the wrong head, he pulls over and picks her up.

Traveling down the highway a ways, she leans forward, is looking out the mirror and says “You have a flat back there on the trailer.”

Freddie pulls over, and goes back to have a look.

The blonde slides over and drives away.

Freddie is now pissed off and a motorcycle gang pulls up, beats the crap out of him and leaves Freddie tied, wrists to ankles, naked and broke.

Another Red Ball Express driver sees Freddie, pulls over and says, “Holy shit, It’s you Fred. What happened?”

Freddie relates his woes.

The second drivers walks around back of Freddie, undoes his zipper and says, “This just isn’t your day. Is it, Fred?”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci

Nasty women?

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Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.How are husbands like lawn mowers?They’re hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don’t work.How can you tell when a man is well hung?When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?Make him wear shoes.How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.How many men does it take to tile a bathroom?Two – if you slice them very thinly.Why can’t men get mad cow disease?Because they are pigs.What do you call a handcuffed man?Trustworthy.What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn’t hold the pillow down long enough.How does a man show he’s planning for the future?He buys an extra case of beer.What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis?The man.Why do men have a hole in their penis? So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.Why do men name their penises? Because they don’t like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg?Because not one will stop and ask for directions.What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight?A power failure.What should you give a man who has everything?A woman to show him how to work it.What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?Four guys watching a football game.What’s the best way to force a man to do sit?ups?Put the remote control between his toes.What’s a man’s idea of honesty in a relationship?Telling you his real name.What’s the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?Big Foot has been spotted several times.Why did God create man before woman?He didn’t want any advice.Why did God create man before woman?Because you need a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.Why do doctors slap babies’ bums right after they’re born?To knock the penises off the smart ones.Why do little boys whine?Because they’re practicing to be men.