God didn’t create the world in seven days; he screwed around for
six days and pulled an all-nighter.
Author: admin
Policemen
Q: How many policemen does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 100, 1 to change the lightbulb and the other 99 to make sure
he doesn’t get attacked while he’s doing it.
Letter from grandma
One day I recieved a letter from grandma…
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a “honk if you love Jesus” bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, I’m glad I did! What an uplifting experience followed!
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is and I didn’t notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn’t honked, I’d never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, “For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!” What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a “sunny beach”. I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or someething. Well, I’ve never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing. He was enjoying this religious experience, too!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I atttended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
Grandma
Why
Why did the chicken cross the road ?????
Because kfc was on his side.
Why does a dog lick himself?…
Why does a dog lick himself?
– Because he can’t make a fist.
Funny Signs
Seen in window of appliance store: “Don’t kill your wife. Let our washing machines do the dirty work.” On a coin operated coffee machine: “No cups – the management.” Below that was hand written: “No management – the cups” Side of a manure truck: “B.S. Trucking” At one of our local cemeteries theres a big sign as your going to pass it: “DRIVE CAREFULLY- WE CAN WAIT!” Once saw a sign on the road, don’t know what it was for or what, but it said: “FREE POSTER WITH RECTAL” Sign on back of water carrier truck: “CAREFUL, you are now passing water!” This is a bumper sticker on a pickup truck here in Houston: “It’s time to pull over and change the air in your head.” In this tiny town of Portales, NM we had a new restaurant open up. It’s sign read: “Cold Coffee Burnt Salad Bad Food Daily Specials” Although it was just to catch people’s eyes and make them laugh, the business did not even last 3 months.
Battery
Your mamas so fat she jumped in the ocean and the whales started singing, “We are family…”
A BBS Commandment
15. Thou shalt not post messages while drunk.
Salen dos compadres bien pedos
Salen dos compadres bien pedos huyendo despu�s de un pleito de cantina.
Uno alcanza a abrir el carro mientras el otro compadre es atacado por cinco tipos. El que iba a manejar se las ingeni� para rescatar a su compadre y al fin los dos huyen en el carro.
El compadre le pisa al acelerador y comienza a meter cambios de velocidad, porque los tipos los estaban persiguiendo. El compadre r�pidamente met�a cambios con gran destreza, a pesar de estar bien pedo, mientras el otro compadre, todo golpeado, hac�a unos ruidos medio raros.
Finalmente los compadres perdieron a los que los persegu�an y el compadre que estaba todo madreado le dice al que manejaba, con una voz afeminada:
“Ahora s�, dame un besito”.
El otro compadre, todo sacado de onda, le indica:
“Esos chingazos que te pusieron te hicieron da�o”.
Y el otro le reclama:
“�No te hagas, que el carro es autom�tico!”
Pay for Sex
One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were
walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well dressed
and attractive young lady walking ahead of them.
One of them turned to the other and remarked, “I’d give $250.00
to spend the night with that woman.” Much to their surprise, the
young lady overheard the remark, turned around, and replied,
“I’ll take you up on that offer.” She had a neat appearance and
a pleasant voice, so after bidding his companion good night, the
man accompanied the young lady to her apartment.
The following morning, the man presented her with $125.00 as he
prepared to leave. She demanded the rest of the money stating,
“If you don’t give me the other $125.00, I’ll sue you for it.”
He laughed saying, “I’d like to see you get it on these grounds.”
The next day, he was surprised when he received a summons
ordering his presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He
hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case. His
lawyer said, “She can’t possibly get a judgment against you on
such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case
will be presented.”
After the usual preliminaries, the lady’s lawyer addressed the
court as follows: “Your honor, my client, this lady, is the
owner of a piece of property–a garden spot–surrounded by a
profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent
to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of
$250.00. The defendant took possession of the property, used it
extensively for the purposes for which it was rented, but upon
evacuating the premises, he paid only $125.00, one-half of the
amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive, since it is
restricted property, and we ask judgment be granted against the
defendant to assure payment of the balance.”
The defendant’s lawyer was impressed and amused by the way his
opponent had presented the case. His defense, therefore, was
somewhat different from the way he originally planned to present
it. “Your honor,” he said, “My client agrees that the lady has a
fine piece of property, that he did rent such property for a
time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction.
However, my client found a well on the property around which he
placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all
labor performed personally by him. We claim these improvements
to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and
that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of
said property. We, therefore, ask that judgment not be granted.”
The young lady’s lawyer answered thus: “Your honor, my client
agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property.
However, had defendant not known that the well existed, he would
never have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the
premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the
shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only
dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole
much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making the
property much less desirable to others. We, therefore, ask that
judgment be granted.”
In the Judge’s decision, he provided for two options: “Pay the
125.00 or have the equipment detached and provided to the
plaintiff for damages.” The defendant wrote a check immediately.
Why did the chicken cross the beach?
Q: Why did the chicken cross the beach?
A: To get to the other tide.
Japan’s quality standard
This speaks a lot about the Japanese quality standards and also cultural misunderstandings. They’re still laughing about this at IBM. Apparently the computer giant decided to have some parts manufactured in Japan as a trial project. In the specifications, they set out that they will accept three defective parts per 10,000 . When the delivery came in there was an accompanying letter. “We, Japanese people, had a hard time understanding North American business practices. But the three defective parts per 10,000 have been separately manufactured and have been included in the consignment. Hope this pleases you.”