Different Views from Different Pews

A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came
upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the following
symbols in order of appearance:

1. A dog 2. A donkey 3. A shovel 4. A fish 5. A Star of David

They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were
at least more than three thousand years old. They chopped out
the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where
archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient
symbols.

They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss
what they could agree was the meaning of the markings. The
President of their Society stood up and pointed at the first
drawing and said, “This looks like a dog. We can judge that this
was a highly intelligent race as they knew how to have animals
for companionship. To prove this statement you can see that the
next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were even smart enough
to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing looks
like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to
help them. Even further proof of their high intelligence is the
fish which means that they had a famine that hit the earth
whereby the food didn’t grow, they would take to the sea for
food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which
means they were evidently Hebrews.”

The audience applauded enthusiastically and the President smiled
and said, “I’m glad to see that you are all in full agreement
with our interpretations.”

Suddenly, a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the
room and said, “I object to every word. The explanation of what
the writings say is quite simple. First of all, everyone knows
that Hebrews don’t read from left to right, but from right to
left. Now, look again, It now says: HOLY MACKEREL, DIG THE ASS
ON THAT BITCH!”

Women rights…

It happened that all the women of the world gathered togheter to
make up an experiment: how would their husbands respond to
womens’ refuse of making the house work…

After one month they gathered again to see the results of
experiment:

Mary from England says: “Well, i went home and told John, my
husband, that i refuse to work anymore. So first day i didn’t
see much thing, but after a week i could see that John started
to make food, wash dishes, and all the stuff.”

Marie from France says: “I went home and told Jean that i won’t
work anymore in the house. So, the first day i didn’t see much
thing, but after a week i could see that Jean started to take
care of kids, make the cleaning, iron the clothes, and so on.”

Maria from Romania says: “I went home and told my Ion that i
will stop working in the house. So, the first day i didn’t see
much thing, but after a week i started to see with my left
eye…”

10 Husbands, Still a

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.” “What?” said the puzzled groom.”How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?” “Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!” “Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?” “You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!”

The Cesium song 06

Why Don’t We Mix Up the Two(Tune, “Why don’t we get drunk…”with apologies to Jimmy Buffett)I’ve got a pound of Cesium,It’s burning gently near.The sky-blue flame looks lovely,But it’s noise I want to hear.So darlin’ bring some water,A couple pints’ll do.And why don’t we mix up the two?Why don’t we mix up the two?’Cause Cesium and water,Really make a wicked brew.You say I’ve got a death wish,But honey, I’m just blue.So why don’t we mix up the two?—Songs of Cesium #29

Airplane Pilot

A plane takes off from New York’s Kennedy Airport. After it reaches a cruising altitude, Captain Sparks makes an announcement over the intercom.

‘Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to flight 293,’ he says. ‘The weather ahead looks clear, so sit back, relax and – OH MY GOD!’

The intercom falls silent.

A minute later, Capt. Sparks comes back on the intercom. ‘I’m so sorry for scaring you all earlier,’ he says.

‘But while I was talking, an attendant spilled a boiling cup of coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!’

‘That’s nothing,’ a passenger in coach shouted. ‘You should see the back of mine!’

This is pretty close to

This is pretty close to an actual sales call I received. The sales
person’s name has been changed. The company name has not. I think
we’ll stick with our current provider.

Bob: Hello, I’m Bob ______ from AT&T, and I’m calling to let you know
about the Internet services we offer. Do you have a minute to…

Me: I’m kind of busy right now, but if you could just email me the
information I’ll call you back if I’m interested. My address
is…

Bob: Could I have your fax number? We’re behind a firewall, so our email
doesn’t always get through.

Dead Seagull

A woman went to the beach with her children.

Her 4-year-old son ran up to her, grabbed her hand, and led her to the shore where a dead seagull lay in the sand.

“Mommy, what happened to him?” the little boy asked.

“He died and went to heaven,” she replied.

The child thought for a moment and said, “And God threw him back down?”