Yours Fun Portal !
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
All of these attributes made him…..
A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Tantilazing
It was the mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.
She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup’s bottom edge.
“All this was just too wonderful for words,” he said, “but what’s the dollar for?”
“Well,” she said, “last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you.
I asked him what to give you.” He said, “Fuck him, give him a dollar.” The lady then said, “The breakfast was my idea.”
“I’ve got some good news and some bad news” the doctor says.
“What’s the bad news?” asks the patient.
“The bad news is that unfortunately you’ve only got 3 months to live”.
The patient is taken back, “What’s the good news then Doctor?”.
The doctor points over to the secretary at the front desk, “You see that blonde with the big breasts, tight ass and legs that go all the way up to heaven?”, the patient nods his head and the doctor replies, “I’m fucking her.”
This Jewish father wants to send his kid to school, but is not sure where to send him to. Finally he just looks at the brochure from Catholic school and thinks that since it’s priced reasonable and sounds like a nice place all together, he’ll try him over there. His kid goes to school the first semester and comes home with a report card. His father takes a look, turns to his son and says: -“A plus in math??? How in the hell did you pull that off since that’s your worse subject?”” Well father, the first day I walked into my math class and saw a guy hanging on a wall nailed to the plus sign – I knew they weren’t mucking around!”
What’s the difference between a Jewish American Princess and a barracuda?
Nail polish.
Late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to
see a Cessna landing at their “secret” base. They immediately impounded the
aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.
The pilot’s story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the
Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI
background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost
and wasn’t a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying
“you-did-not-see-a-base” briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of
his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading,
and sent him on his way.
The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed
up again. Once again, the MP’s surrounded the plane… only this time there were
two people in the plane.
The same pilot jumped out and said, “Do anything you want to me, but my wife
is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!”
It’s 8 a.m. at a gambling casino. Two bored dealers are waiting around for someone to walk up and try their luck at the crap table. A very attractive lady comes in and wants to bet twenty thousand dollars on the roll of the dice. The dealers agree.She says, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I am bottomless.”They both nod yes, and With that she strips naked from the waist down and rolls the dice while yelling, “Momma needs a new pair of panties!” She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers. “YES! I WIN! I WIN!”She picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded.Finally one of them asks, “What did she roll?”The other answers, “I don’t know. I thought YOU were watching the dice!”
16> Junior’s junior? Not so junior!
15> Can’t “punch the ballot” without help from the Supreme Court.
14> Insists that Laura wear a big yellow hat when they make love, so he can indulge his “Curious” George fantasies.
13> He’s never actually found Laura’s G-spot, but he’s got a team working on it.
12> Knows the proper ratio of BBQ sauce, beer, and crude oil to get just the right lubrication.
11> Actually looks better in Laura’s clothing then she does.
10> Let’s just say he’d would like to change some personal “emissions standards.”
9> The key to wooing women: Make them think you’re a “Compassionate Casanova.”
8> Just like in Florida, he “wins” by punching the wrong hole.
7> Can’t get the job done unless Cheney’s hiding under the bed whispering instructions.
6> “Hey, Laura! It’s ‘lethal injection’ time!”
5> That Justice Thomas is into some *truly* weird shit!
4> Imagines the First Lady is pristine Alaskan wilderness — then drills her.
3> Let’s just say the White House has seen no wood since Al Gore left.
2> Tends to strike a gusher before the well’s been completely drilled, if you catch my drift.
1> Smouldering felon is one hell of an aphrodisiac!
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]Q. How are men and parking spots alike?
A. Good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely
small.
If a couple from Arkansas decide to get a divoce, are they still
legally brother and sister?
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into
mischief,
finally asked him, “How do you expect to get into Heaven?” The
boy
thought
it
over and said, “Well, I’ll run in and out and in and out and
keep
slamming
the door until St. Peter says, “For Heaven’s sake, Jimmy, come
in or stay
out!”
A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital.
The doctor looked her over and told them it would be a rather difficult delivery.
He offered to let the couple try an experimental procedure.
The woman would be connected to a machine that would transfer part of the pain to the father of the baby, thus reducing her own.
The man quickly agreed. The doctor warned him, though, that there was a slight bug in the machine that caused it to amplify the pain sent to the father by ten times, and if the pain became too much for to bear would he please let the doctor know.
The doctor turned on the machine and watched the man. The man said he felt absolutely fine and he could take more.
The doctor turned the dial up to 40, 60, 80, and finally 100% of the pain, times ten.
The woman delivered the baby painlessly and the doctor stared at the man, astonished at how he could not even flinch with that much pain brought upon him.
The couple took the new baby home. There, on the front step, the mailman lay dead.