Sound advice

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her.

This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and flipped the woman off. “Man, that guy is stupid” I thought to myself.

I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here’s why: I drive 48 miles each way every day to work, that’s 96 miles each day.

Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway so if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like a new car every 40 feet per lane.

That’s 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars. Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper to bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.

That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day.

Statistically, half of these are driven by females, that’s 18,000. In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.That’s 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That’s 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That’s 98. And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That’s 33.

According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY
I drive past at least one female that has…
a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is ARMED!

FLIP ONE OFF?? I THINK NOT!!

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Tantilazing

Un vecino del barrio llega

Un vecino del barrio llega a la comisar�a y le dice al oficial que quiere presentar una denuncia. El oficial le dice, “D�game �cu�l es su denuncia?”

“Yo soy Juan Lozano y vivo en la cuadra siguiente.”

“Ah, claro, usted es Juan el due�o de un VW.”

“S�, oficial, resulta que…”

“Claro , ese VW todo destartalado, que usted no lo limpia nunca, est� todo sucio, se le caen las puertas, los vidrios est�n rotos, usted nunca le echa aceite, jam�s le a hecho un engrase, las llantas est�n casi en lona, los asientos est�n rotos… s� claro que me acuerdo de usted…..�Cu�l es su denuncia?”

(Compungido) “Me han robado mi carro…”

“No Juan, tu carro no te lo han robado….�HA HUIDO!”

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter
checks his dossier and says, “Ah, you’re an engineer — you’re
in the wrong place.” So the engineer reports to the Gates of
Hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied
with the level of comfort in Hell, and starts designing and
building improvements. After a while, they’ve got air
conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer
is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a
sneer, “So, how’s it going down there in Hell?”

Satan replies, “Hey, things are going great! We’ve got air
conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no
telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”

God replies, “What??? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake
— he should never have gotten down there; send him up here.”

Satan says, “No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and
I’m keeping him.”

God says, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue.”

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, “Yeah, right. And just
where are YOU going to get a lawyer?”

Hard working Penny

Penny was a hard working, conscientious girl, who lived on her own. Her dream in life was to go on an ocean cruise around the world. So she scrimped, and she saved, and she saved, and she scrimped until finally, one day, she had enough money to go on her ocean cruise. She booked passage on a cruise liner – first class all the way… The cruise started off in a grandiose scale, dancing and parties every night. But Penny was a cautious girl, so she never drank, but just danced the night away.One night, after they had been at sea for a week, Penny was walking back to her cabin, when the heel on her left shoe broke throwing her off balance. If that wasn’t enough, the ship chose that moment to tilt to the left. As a result, Penny was thrown overboard. A hue and a cry were immediately raised, and after about five minutes they found Penny. Hauling her aboard, the ship’s crew realized that it was too late, poor Penny was dead.Normally, they would have done a burial at sea, but as I said before, Penny was a very conscientious girl, and had written a will. In it, she specified that she wished for her body to be cremated, and kept in a jar on her parent’s fireplace mantel. Her wishes were fulfilled, which just goes to show you that a Penny saved is a Penny urned.

Olmos Dunn

A man was heading to England and his next-door neighbor Mrs. Dunn had just
sent her son Olmos off to England a week ago. He hadn’t called since he was
there, so she asked the man to get him to call her. She knew he was staying in a
big white house so she told him that.
When he arrived in England, the man asked the first person he saw for the big
white house. Thinking he meant the outhouse, the Brit said, ”It is in the
middle of the park.” So the man went to the park and saw a white house in the
center.
He knocked on the door and said, ”Are you Olmos Dunn?”
A voice came from inside, ”Yeah, I just have to find the toilet paper.”

Playing House with Mommy

A little boy comes home from school and asks his mother for some ice cream.

The mother is having a bad day and snaps, “NO!”. The little boy turns and runs into his room.

After a minute, the mother feels bad she snapped and knocks on his door.

“Johnny, I’m sorry I snapped at you. Do you want to play a game or something?”

“Sure,” Johnny replies. “How about we play Mommy and Daddy?”

“OK,” says the mother. “How do we play?”

“You go upstairs and lay down on your bed.”

The mother figures this is harmless, so she agrees and goes upstairs.

Meanwhile, Johnny rummages throught the closet and finds his dad’s hat and coat. He digs in the ashtray to find a long cigarette butt.

After dressing and putting the cigarette in his mouth, he swaggers up the stairs.

There, on the bed, is his mother. Johnny marches in, walks up to the bed, and says, “Get your ass out of bed and get that kid some ice cream!”

Un burro fue llevado de

Un burro fue llevado de la finca a una casa en el pueblo. Al lado de la casa hab�a una burra y los dos animales se llamaban ansiosos por tener relaciones.

La due�a de la burra construy� una pared de tres metros de alto y arriba de ella un metro de alambre de p�as. El burro rabioso trat� muchas veces de tumbar la pared sin �xito, hasta que meditando dijo: “Si salgo corriendo con el miembro parado y lo meto en la arena, puedo saltar la pared.”

Efectivamante el burro lo hace y cae al lado de la burra y �sta le dice: “Hola burro, me llamo Juana Dos Corazones, pero me puedes llamar Juana porque los corazones te los acabo de regalar.”

Y el burro le contesta:

“Hola Juana, mi nombre es Juan el Gran Pito, pero me puedes decir Juan, porque el pito lo deje colgado atr�s en el alambre de p�as!!!”

New Boots

A young man bought a new pair of boots of which he was very proud so he decided to go dancing an give them a try. After dancing with one lady for a few minutes he said “I bet you I can guess the color of your panties.”

“O.K.”, she replied, “what color do you think they are?”

“Blue”, he replied.

“How did you know that?” she asked?

“I saw the reflection in my shinny new boots”, he said.

“Here she said dance with my sister an tell what color she has on”, the lady said.

After dancing a few minutes the young man started rubbing he toes on his pant cuffs an started to dance again. After a few minutes he ask the lady “what color panties do you have on, I can’t seem to make them out.”

To which she replied, “I don’t have any panties on.”

With a sign of relief the young man said, “oh good for a minute I thought I had a crack in my new boots.”