Author: admin

15 actual announcements taken from church bulletins:

1. Don’t let worry kill you- let the church help.

2. Thursday night- potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

4. For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery upstairs.

5. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

7. Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

8. Wednesday, the ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing “Put me in my little bed” accompanied by the pastor.

9. Thursday at 5:00 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study.

10. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the alter.

11. The service will close with “Little Drops of Water.” One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

12. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.

13. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.

14. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

15. At the evening service tonight the sermon topic will be “What is hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

An old Jewish peddler ambled down a street in Tel Aviv carrying two
large watermelons. A tourist stopped him to ask, “Where is Ben Yehuda
Street?”
The peddler answered, “Please hold these two watermelons.”
The tourist managed to gather them in his arms, whereupon the peddler
made an expansive gesture with his hands and exclaimed petulantly, “How
should I know?”

Un joyero reporta a la polic�a un asalto reci�n efectuado a su negocio. En cuesti�n de minutos llega una patrulla a la escena del crimen; los agentes se dirigen con el orfebre:

“D�ganos se�or, �qu� sucedi�, cu�ntos eran, por d�nde se fueron?”

“No me lo van a creer, pero f�jense que entr� un elefante que se par� frente a mi aparador; con un golpe de su trompa rompi� el cristal y us�ndola como aspiradora, que recoge todas la joyas y se sale corriendo…”

“Por favor, se�or, no nos trate de tomar el pelo. Diga la verdad”.

“Les juro que esa es la pura verdad, yo tampoco daba cr�dito a lo que ve�a”.

“A ver”, dice el primer polic�a sacando su libreta. “�C�mo era el elefante?”

“Pues era un elefante adulto com�n y corriente, igual a todos”.

“Me perdona, usted, pero existen dos tipos de elefantes: uno es el del �frica, que tiene las orejas grandes; el otro es el asi�tico, que tiene las orejas peque�as. D�game, �c�mo era �ste ?”, cuestiona el segundo polic�a”.

“Pues la verdad es que no s�: el muy astuto usaba una pantimedia en la cabeza”.