It is once again time to vote for-the Darwin Award nominees for 1997. As you may already know, the Darwin Awards are for those nominees who will not be contributing to the gene pool (thankfully).NOMINEE No.1: [San Jose Mercury News] An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend’s windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.
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Free drinks
The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, ‘What’ll you have?’ The guy answers, ‘A scotch, please.’ The bartender hands him the drink, and says ‘That’ll be five dollars,’ to which the guy replies, ‘What are you talking about? I don’t owe you anything for this.’ A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, ‘You know, he’s got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.’ The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, ‘Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don’t ever let me catch you in here again.’ The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, ‘What the heck are you doing in here? I can’t believe you’ve got the audacity to come back!’ The guy says, ‘What are you talking about? I’ve never been in this place in my life!’ The bartender replies, ‘I’m very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double.’ To which the guy replies, ‘Thank you. Make it a scotch.’
The blonde and the turtles
A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde all died on the same day and they all went to heaven. But god said that he has many turtles on the floor of heaven and that if you stepped on one that you would be paired with a really ugly guy. The brunette went first and stepped on a turtle. The redhead went next and stepped on a turtle. The blonde went next she didnt step on a turtle. She was paired with a hot guy. The brunette and the redhead asked the blonde how she got a cute guy and the guy said I stepped on a turtle!
Blond coffen
Q:Why is a blonds coffen shaped like a Y?
A: because every time she hits her back her legs spered.
Confucious say
man who go to bed with itchy ass wake up with stinky fingers
Which Mann?
An American tourist in Tel Aviv was about to enter the impressive Mann Auditorium to take in a concert by the Israel Philharmonic. He was admiring the unique architecture, the sweeping lines of the entrance, and the modern decor throughout the building. Finally he turned to his escort and asked if the building was named for Thomas Mann, the world-famous author.
“No,” his friend said, “it’s named for Fredric Mann, from Philadelphia.”
“Really? I never heard of him. What did he write?”
“A check.”
The Pirate
There was this young pirate, and he walks in to this bar, and he has a steering wheel on his crotch. The bartender looks at him and says, “Hey what’s that?” and the pirate says, ” I dunno, but Arrrrr! It’s driving me nuts!”
Barber’s don’t exist
The Bible says to have an answer for why you believe to those who ask you.
This is a good example of an answer to one of the most common reasons sinners give for ignoring God and His goodness.
A man went to a barber shop to have his hair and beard cut as always.
He started to have a good conversation with the barber who attended him.
They talked about so many things and various subjects.
Suddenly, they touched the subject of God. The barber said: “Look man, I don’t believe that God exists.”
“Why do you say that?” asked the client.
“Well, it’s so easy, you just have to go out in the street to realize that God does not exist. Oh, tell me, if God existed, would there be so many sick people?
Would there be abandoned children? If God existed, there would be no suffering nor pain. I can’t think of loving a God who permits all of these things.”
The client stopped for a moment thinking, but he didn’t want to respond so as to cause an argument.
The barber finished his job and the client went out of the shop.
Just after he left the barber shop he saw a man in the street with a long hair and beard (it seems that it had been a long time since he had his hair cut and he looked so untidy).
Then the client again entered the barber shop and he said to the barber: “You know what? Barbers do not exist.”
“How can you say they don’t exist?” asked the barber. “Well, I am here and I am a barber.”
“No!” the client exclaimed. “They don’t exist because if they did there would be no people with long hair and beard like that man who walks in the street.”
“Ah, barbers do exist, what happens is that people do not come to me.”
“Exactly!” affirmed the client.
“That’s the point. God does exist, what happens is people don’t go to Him and do not look for Him. That’s why there’s so much pain and suffering in the world.”
Submitted by BreeBrown
Edited by Yisman
MEGA MORON AWARDS
MEGA MORON AWARDS Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he’d just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.
Bug's Mind
What is the last thing to go through a bug’s mind when it hits your windshield? It’s ass.
Heads Up
Q. What goes ha, ha, thump?
A. Someone laughing his head off.
Official Rules for Indoor Golf
1. Each player will furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.
2. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.
3. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
4. For the most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.
6. The object of the game is to make as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attention paid to the well formed bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player’s equipment for this reason.
9. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they considered to be a private course.
10. Players should not assume that a course is in shape for play at all times. Some owners may be embarrassed if their course is temporarily under repair, and the player is advised to use tact in this determination. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.
11. Slow play is encouraged; however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace at the course owner’s request.
12. Responsible indoor golfers always use a golfbag.
13. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
14. Players are not permitted to tee off on the back nine without the express permission of the course owner.
15. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.
Membership at a given course – Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner and the rules are subject to change. For this reason, many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.