Lawyer’s Dog

A lawyer’s dog, running about unleashed, runs straight for the local butcher shop and steals a roast off the counter.

The butcher goes to the lawyer’s office and asks, “If a dog, running unleashed, steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog’s owner?”

“Absolutely,” the lawyer responded.

The butcher immediately shot back, “Good! You owe me $7.99 for the roast your dog stole from me this morning.”

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $7.99.

A few days later, the butcher, browsing through his mail, finds an envelope from the lawyer. The contents read “Consultation: $25.00.”

The Top 16 Signs Your White House Internship Is Going Well

16> The President lets you ride on “Air Force One”, if you know what I mean.

15> Boss not only implements “Casual Fridays” but also “Topless Tuesdays.”

14> You’ve just leapfrogged Al Gore in the line of succession.

13> “Oooh, yeah, baby — I’ll make you a White House Secretary… Assistant Chief of Staff… ohhh… Ambassador to Sweden!… Supreme Court Justice!!! Supreme Court Justice!!!”

12> The President has the Secret Service detail your ’91 Taurus.

11> Buddy no longer wastes time sniffing both your crotch and the President’s.

10> After your first “meeting” with “The Boss,” you move up 2 tax brackets.

9> As if national publicity, a $1M movie deal, and $10M in Democratic hush money wasn’t enough, the Paula Jones Foundation for Homely Women has donated $20K to you for a full makeover.

8> You get to sit on Gore’s lap during the State of the Union Address.

7> You know the White House like you know the back of the President’s head.

6> Your per diem is bigger than Peru’s GNP and your only duty is to keep silent.

5> The first lady invites you on a private ski weekend.

4> The Vice President isn’t the only “stiffie” you’ve seen in the White House.

3> Performance review rated you a “10” in the category “Ability to turn-on the president with your hillbilly good looks.”

2> Al Gore’s pulse jumps up to 3 when you pass by.

1> It ain’t Keats, but for Bubba, “Shall I compare thee to a Big Mac” is pretty damn romantic.

The Belgium and his friend

Thre good friend are in a bar .A Belgium ,Marrocan and a
Turkich.

And they waer drinking Bier fore a long time.Theyn the Marrocan
ses :
Let’s have a competion of drinking the most bier and the one
that stops forst mast pay.The adders sey O.K
They stardet to drink fore a hour .The Marrocan drinkt 20 biers
the Belium 15 .the Belgium stops and gos to the toilet .
The Maroccan drinks 25 alraydy and the Turkich 25 .
The Marrocan stops at yhe 30 bier and gos to the toilet.
The Belgium and Marrocan watch the Turkich drinking his 40 bier.
And they ask wy are you never going to the toilet .
The Turkich ses :Ho! Yes i always go bat today i have a dyper on.
hahaha!!

Bhagwan and the Lotto

Bholaji finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he’s in
serious financial trouble. He’s so desperate that he decides to ask Bhagwan for
help. He goes into the temple and begins to pray.

�Oh Bhagwan, please help me, I’ve lost my business and if I don’t get some
money, I’m going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery.�

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Bholaji goes back to the temple.
“Bhagwan please let me win the lotto. I’ve lost my business, my house and I’m
going to lose my car as well.�

Lotto night comes and Bholaji still has no luck. Back to the temple he goes.
“My Bhagwan, why have you forsaken me? I’ve lost my business, my house, my car
and my wife and children are starving. I don’t often ask you for help and I have
always been a good servant to you. Why won’t you just let me win the lotto this
one time so I can get my life back in order?”

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the sky parts open and Bholaji
is confronted by the voice of God: “Bholaji, buy a damn lottery ticket first.”

The Farter

There was this lady (who was a butcher) whose husband always farted really loud at night! She hated it because they stunk so badly! So one night she told her husband that if he kept farting like that at night, then his guts would come out. He didn’t believe her but she told him, “Honey, I’m a butcher. I should know.”But he still wouldn’t listen to her. So that night she went to her butcher shop and got a big chunk of raw pig guts. When she got home she stuck it in her husbands pants. And of course, he farted really loudly as usual. The next morning when they woke up her husband went to the bathroom. He was in there for a pretty long time so his wife said to him, “Honey, is everything okay. You’ve been in there for a while.”He replied, “Yeah, everything’s fine.”5 minutes later he finally came out of the bathroom. His wife asked him, “So did your guts come out like I said they would?”He replied, “Yep, but being the smart person I am, I took two fingers and stuck them right back up there!”

Esta es la cr�nica de

Esta es la cr�nica de una Boda Pueblerina, disfr�tala…

Esto ocurri� el pasado 16 de Octubre en un lejano pueblo del prospero estado de Michoac�n, llamado Tejeringo el Chico, cerca de Tecojorita y Tenalgueo el Chico, famosos por su producci�n de l�cteos, como el queso en barras, queso babas, queso badotas y queso plas, que por mucho superan a los franceses. Aquel hermoso d�a de oto�o, contrajeron nupcias la se�orita Zoila Del Hoyo Prieto y el bien ponderado y atractivo Aquiles Baeza Parada.

Las damas de honor en la ceremonia religiosa fueron las encantadoras hermanas: Melo Rosa, Melo Deborah y Melo I. Rita, y por supuesto, la Mama Melo, as� como tambi�n las primas Isela Pico, Tecla Varela Vergara y Vilma Madero, quienes se mostraron muy felices por el gran acontecimiento. El banquete result� ser un gran �xito, acudieron much�simos invitados, algunos ven�an de muy lejos, de Lomas Turbo y Lomas Ajeo, como el millonario Agapito Melorcas y su esposa Alma Marcela Silva de Alegr�a; tambi�n asisti� gente arist�crata como Zacar�as Blanco de la Barra, descendiente directo del Zar Zacar�as el Grande; personajes internacionales como Willy Milano, Elber Gun, Cabuca Johson y Johny Demon. El maestro Sebino Sobretti, vestido elegantemente con un traje confeccionado con telas de Juir, fue quien dirigi� la orquesta en tan prestigiada fiesta.

Las ni�as Concha, Queta, Mela y Rita, sobrinas del novio, fueron las primeras en correr hacia el banquete, despu�s de que los hermanos Guillermo “Memo” Costecho y Bartolom� Costecho les gritaron a la mayor: �Agarra mesa grande! Una vez que se instal� todo mundo en sus respectivos lugares, llegaron los meseros a servir el banquete, en el hubo de todo, pero lo que m�s gust� fue el consom� costecho y el raspado de an�s que nos dieron al final; los que se quedaron con ganas de postre (pues no alcanzo para todos), se fueron con Rosa la Manguera, la se�ora que vende fruta en la puerta de la casa del chico temido del pueblo, mejor conocido como el Coyote Cojo. Cuando �ste vio salir de la fiesta al pobre Benito Camelo que iba a comprar mangos y que es casi casi un santo, como el beato Carlos del Toro, le arm� un pleito tremendo pues le dijo: “ayer te vi sentado en la parada” con tu supuesta novia, una tal Carmela Pel�ez; se empezaron a pelear, lleg� otro tipo de mala fama, Guillermo “Memo” Herdez alias el pel�n y se arm� un l�o.

La fiesta segu�a y nadie se dio cuenta del pleito, excepto Agapito V�lez Obando que sali� corriendo del lugar pues, seg�n M�nica Galindo, comi� mucha carne pero hizo pescado del toallero, es decir le dio una diarrea de aquellas. A pesar de estos peque�os incidentes, la fiesta pudo continuar en paz gracias al mensaje que emiti� la premio N�bel Rigoberta Mench� Far�as, la cual iba ataviada con un hermoso vestido guatemalteco de color rosa celeste, confeccionado con una fina tela de las famosas tiendas Telas Poncho, negocio que hered� Alfonso Jr., o sea Poncho el chico, quien tambi�n estuvo presente y disfrut� del magno evento.

Por �ltimo no debemos olvidar a mi gran amigo Eduardo “Lal�n” Ganiza y su primo Francisco “Paco” Jerte y a sus bellas acompa�antes Rosa Melcacho y Alma Mar�a Rico.

Espero que hayan disfrutado esta cr�nica, tanto como yo disfrute de la fiesta…..

Atentamente…

Aquiles Undola Vergara

The genie

A man goes into a bar, sits down, and looks at the drunk guy next to him. he asks the drunk if he wants to see something amazing; the drunk says yeah, so he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny grand piano and a little man who proceeds to play beethoven, bach, etc… the drunk is severely impressed and asks the guy where he got the little man; he tells him that he found a genie one day in africa and was granted 3 wishes for setting it free from it’s bottle. the drunk asked him what else he wished for and received the answer” nothing; it’s a fucked-up genie”. the drunk asked if he could borrow the genie for a few minutes…the man said no…it’s a fucked-up genie! the drunk pulled out his wallet and offered the man a thousand dollars to let him borrow the genie for five minutes and the man reluctantly agreed with the admonition that it was a fucked-up genie. the drunk walked outside the bar with the genie’s bottle and there came a huge blast of light…the drunk came back in followed by a large flock of baby ducks, looked at the man and said ” you’re right; that is a fucked-up genie…i wished for a million bucks and got a million ducks”!! the man looked at the drunk and said ” i told you it was a fucked-up genie; do you REALLY think i wished for an eight-inch pianist?”

The Punny Frog

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller’s name is Patricia Whack. So he says, “Ms. Whack, I’d like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation.”

Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says $30,000. The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it’s OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral. The frog says, “Sure. I have this,” and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she’ll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, “There’s a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants a loan.

The bank manager looks back at her and says: “It’s a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone.”

And you thing you have it bad!

There’s a celery, a carrot, and a dick talking.

The celery was like “Man, I got it bad, they chop me up and put me in cold water!”

Then the carrot was like “You think you got it bad they chop me up and stick me in HOT water!”

Then the dick said “Ya, well I got it the worst.
They put me in a plastic bag, stick me in a dark cave, and make me do push-ups until I puke!”