Author: admin

Actual Accident Summaries

Posted on by admin

The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words possible:

  • Coming home, I drove into wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.
  • I thought my window was down, but found it was up when I put my head through it.
  • The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.
  • I collided with a stationary car going the other way.
  • A truck backed through my windshield into my wife’s face.
  • A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
  • The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
  • I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
  • In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
  • I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision, and I did not see the other car.
  • I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
  • I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
  • As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
  • My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
  • An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
  • I told the police that I was not injured, but upon removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.
  • I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the curb when I struck him.
  • The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck the front end.
  • I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in the ditch by some stray cows.
  • The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
  • The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.

A lawyer and an engineer

Posted on by admin

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said ”I’m here ’cause my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything.”

”That’s quite a coincidence,” said the engineer, ”I’m here ’cause my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything.”

The lawyer pondered the engineer’s plight for a moment and, looking somewhat confused, asked, ”How do you start a flood?”

�Sabes como se inventaron las

Posted on by admin

�Sabes como se inventaron las vocales?

Ad�n y Eva eran muy felices y puros de pensamiento hasta que mordieron la manzana.

Al morderla, Eva voltea a ver a Ad�n y dice: �A!

El se vuelve a verla e interumpi�ndola dice: �E?

Ella, apunt�ndole a sus partes �ntimas, le contesta: �I?

Ad�n, avergonzado, se cubre y dice: �O!

Entonces ella levanta la mano haciendo la senal con los dedos de algo super peque�o y dice:

�Uuuuu…!

Anything you want!

Posted on by admin

A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare & walked directly toward him.

Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, I’ll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition.’

Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.

The young woman replied, ‘You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.’

The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman’s hand.

He looked deeply into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said…
‘Paint my house.’

Est�n dos colegas discutiendo a

Posted on by admin

Est�n dos colegas discutiendo a ver quien es el m�s canalla de los dos:

“Que no, que aqu� el m�s canalla soy yo.”

“�Pero qu� dices? Que soy yo.”

En esto pasa una pareja de ancianos y dice el primero: “Ahora vas a ver si soy canalla.”
Y le mete una paliza a los viejos… Cuando acaba le dice a su amigo:

“�Qu�?, �Soy o no soy el m�s canalla?”

“�Qu� va, para canalla yo. Esos eran mis padres y mira c�mo me he quedado.”

First Class?

Posted on by admin

A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to New York with a ticket for the coach section. She looks at the seats in coach and then looks into the forward cabin at the first class seats. Seeing that the first class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in coach. The blonde replies, ”I’m young, blonde and beautiful, and I’m going to sit here all the way to New York.” Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blonde problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in coach. Again, the blonde replies, ”I’m young, blonde and beautiful, and I’m going to sit here all the way to New York.” The captain doesn’t want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something into the blonde’s ear. She immediately gets up, says, ”Thank you so much.” hugs the co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the coach section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman. He replies, ”I just told her that the first class section isn’t going to New York.”

Golf Lessons

Posted on by admin

A foursome is waiting at the men’s tee when another foursome of ladies are hitting from the ladies tee. The ladies are taking their time and when finally the last one is ready to hit the ball she hacks it about 10 feet. She goes over to the ball, hacks it another ten feet and looks up at the men waiting and says apologetically: “I guess all those fucking lessons I took this winter didn’t help.”One of the men immediately replies: “No, you see there is your problem. You should have been taking golf lessons instead.”

These are supposedly

Posted on by admin

These are supposedly actual quotes taken from around the world.Newsreader, BBC Radio 4: “Working mothers are the backbone of the third half of the economy.” Glenda Jackson, Channel 4 TV: “There’s nothing athletes like – or indeed hate – more than hanging around like this.” – David Coleman, BBC 1 TV “Not being in the Rumbelows Cup for those teams won’t mean a row of beans, ‘cos that’s only small potatoes.” – Ian St John, ITV “Oldham are leading 1-0, a well deserved victory at this stage of the game.” – Tommy Docherty, Picadilly Radio Brian Johnson, BBC Radio 3: “We don’t appear to have Jim Fish on the line at the moment.” “Are there any more great swimmers in the pipeline?” – Cliff Morgan, BBC Radio 4 “Andre Vandapole has four silver medals in cyclocross, and none of them gold.” – Phil Liggott, Channel 4 TV “Well, I shall remember that catch for many a dying day.”