The place where most household accidents occur.
Author: admin
Like a True parent
A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her no. The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, “Now Monica, we just have half of the aisles left to go through; don’t be upset. It won’t be long.”
Soon they came to the candy aisle, and the little girl began to shout for candy. And when told she couldn’t have any, began to cry. The mother said, “There, there, Monica, don’t cry–only two more aisles to go, and then we’ll be checking out.”
When they got to the check-out stand, the little girls immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there’d be no gum purchased. The mother patiently said, “Monica, we’ll be through this check out stand in 5 minutes and then you can go home and have a nice nap.”
The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. “I couldn’t help noticing how patient you were with little Monica,” he began.
Whereupon the mother said, “I’m Monica…….my little girl’s name is Tammy.”
Computer Diagnosis
One day Bill complained to his friend, “My elbow really hurts, I
guess I should see a doctor.” His friend offered, “Don’t do
that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose
anything quicker an cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a
sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem
and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.”
Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a
urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer,
he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer
started making some noise and various lights started flashing.
After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which
was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water.
Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.
Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology
was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to
wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a
try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his
dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off,
he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug
store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited
the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out
the following message: Your tap water is too hard. Get a water
softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is
using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is
pregnant with twin girls. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer. And
if you don’t stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get
better.
Clinton one-liner
We were so poor that even Bill Clinton’s tax plan would’t call us rich.
Quotes. . . .
– Some mornings, it just ain’t worth chewing through the leather
straps.
– Chaos, panic, and disorder; my job is done here.
– Few women admit their age, even fewer men act theirs.
– Oh, wait, sorry, I didn’t mean to look interested.
– DAMMIT, YOU’RE STILL TALKING?!
– Sex on the television can’t hurt you . . . unless you fall off.
– Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
– Just remember, if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.
– I went to hell, it was full, so I came back.
– Ya know what, it really don’t matter if I win or lose, just as
long as I piss you off in the process.
– Pissed off? Hey, it’s better than being pissed on.
– I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my
grandfather…not screaming and yelling like the people in his
car.
– I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
– It’s not an optical illusion, it just looks that way.
– Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
– We’re born naked, wet, and hungry. . . .then things get worse.
– God bless America. But, God, please help Canada.
– Hey, the light at the end of that tunnel may be an oncoming
train.
– Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and the world laughs
louder.
– Love thine enemies…it REALLY pisses them off.
– Friends come and go, but enemies seem to accumulate.
– You can only be young once, but you can be immature FOREVER!.
– Gravity sucks.
– There are few problems that cannot be solved with the usage of
high explosives.
The “LIGHT”
What does a baby say befor its born?
“THERES A LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL”
Polaks Crossing A River
Two Polaks are walking down opposite sides of a river when they notice each other. One invites the other one over. “I can’t swim”, he replies. “Why don’t you come over here?”
The other guy says, “I can’t swim, either. What are we gonna do?”
First guy says, “Wait! I got a flashlight. I’ll turn it on, and you walk across the beam to this side.”
The second guy replies, “No way! I’ll get half-way across, and you’ll turn the flashlight off!”
Signs you may be a Canadian.
Here’s some sure signs you may be a Canadian…
You’re not offended by the term, “Homo Milk”
You understand, “Could you please pass me a serviette, I just spilled my poutine.”
You know what it means to be on ‘pogey’.
You know that “a mickey” and “2-4’s” mean “Party at the cabin, eh!!”
You don’t hold your hand on your breast when you sing the national anthem.
You can drink legally while still a ‘teen’.
You don’t give a hoot about the fuss with Cuba, it’s just a cheap place to travel to and has good cigars.
You’re not sure if the leader of our nation has EVER had sex and don’t want to know if he has!
You get milk in bags as well as cartons and plastic jugs.
You know that Mounties “don’t always look like that.”
You know that Canada is the only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
You dismiss all beers under 6% alcohol content as “for children and the elderly, and for export to the US”.
You are excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada.
You believe “the Canadian Conspiracy” should have won an Oscar.
You laugh afterward at some U.S. citizens’ lack of knowledge of Canadian geography, but you are too polite to correct them.
You design your Hallowe’en costume to fit over a snowsuit.
You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.
You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.
You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won’t prowl on your deck.
The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.
You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
National motto
Belgium’s national motto:
Belgium: Gateway to France!
Vampire
Q: Whats a vampires favorite type of beer?
A: BLOOD Light!
Goldilocks
Q. What is Goldilocks in the winter?
A. Coldilocks!
Transplant
A man comes to the doctor and says, “m-m-m-my d-d-dick is so pressurized that I st-st-stutter.”
The doctor tells him he will give him a dick transplant. He loses his 3-foot-long dick for a 4-inch-long dick.
He comes back in a week and says, “Now my wife wont have sex with me. May I have the old one back?”
The doctor replies… “A d-d-d-deal’s a d-d-d-deal.”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis