The difference between bathing suits now and back in the past, is that the bathing suits from the past required that you open the suit to see the butt.
The bathing suits of today require that you open the butt to see the suit.
Author: admin
Why not to get a vasectomy
I can understand why men don’t like vasectomies. My uncle got a vasectomy, and paid for it with Mastercard. He forgot to pay the bill, and the finance company came over to his house and knocked up my aunt.
Granny visits town
Granny was visiting town for the first time.
She checks in at the hotel, and the bellboy takes her bags. She follows the boy, and as the door closes, she looks around and shakes her fist at him.
“Young man, I may be old, and straight from the hills, but that don’t mean I’m stupid!
I paid good money, and this room won’t do at all! It’s too small, and without proper ventilation! Why there’s not even a bed!”
The bellhop looks at her and says, “Ma’am, this isn’t your room, it’s the elevator.”
Wedding Night
Maria had just gotten married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother’s house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. “Don’t worry, Maria. Tony’s a good man. Go upstairs and he’ll take care of you.”So up she went.When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and said, “Mama, Mama, Tony’s got a big hairy chest.””Don’t worry, Maria,” said her mother,” all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He’ll take good care of you.”Up she went again.When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother, “Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he’s got hairy legs!””Don’t worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony’s a good man. Go up stairs and he’ll take good care of you.”Up she went again.When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs.”Mama, Mama, Tony’s got a foot and a half!””Stay here and stir the pasta,” said her mother.”This is a job for Mama.”
Gay guy in deli
a gay guy walks into a deli and is looking for a pepperoni stick. he goes up to the counter and asks the lady if she has any. she takes out about ten and he is looking through all of them. he points at one and goes, “oooo that ones niiice!”, “i like that one.”, “ooo thats too lumpy!”, “thats the one! right there!” the deli lady asks, “Would you like that sliced or whole?”. the gay guy replies, “Swiced, what do tink my ass is, a piggy bank?”
Bosnian Footballer
Al Davis had put together the perfect Raiders team for ’96. The only Thing he was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, and he couldn’t find a ringer quarterback that would ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war zone in Bosnia. In the background, out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a young Bosnian soldier with a truly incredible arm. First, he threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th story window over 200 yards away –ka-boom! Next, he threw another hand grenade into a group of about 10 soldiers a good 110 yards away–ka-blooey!
Then, a car passes going 90 miles an hour– bulls-eye! Another grenade right into the barely open window.
“I’ve got to get this guy,” Al says to himself. “He has the perfect arm!”
So he brings him to the states and teaches him the great game of football. Predictably, the young man breaks all NFL records for completed passes, accuracy and touchdowns. The Raiders go on to handily win the Super Bowl.
The young Bosnian is lionized as the Great Hero of Super Bowl XXXI, and When Al asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is call his mother.
Al arranges for the call and hands the phone to his young quarterback: “Mom,” the young man says into the receiver, “I just won the Super Bowl!”
“I don’t want to talk to you,” the old woman says. “You deserted us. You’re no longer my son.”
“I don’t think you understand, mother” the young man pleads. “I just won the greatest sporting event in the world. I’m in the middle of thousands of adoring fans.”
“No, let me tell you,” the mother implores. “At this very moment, there are gun shots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their life last week, and this week your sister was raped in broad daylight….”
The old lady pauses, in tears…
“…I’ll never forgive you for moving us to Oakland!”
Good/Bad Car Accident
Harry answers the telephone, and it’s an Emergency Room doctor.
The doctor says, “Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news.
The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life.”
Harry says, “My God!… What’s the good news?”
The doctor says, “I’m kidding. She’s dead!”
Sperm Bank
This guy goes to sperm bank to give a sample.
So the girl At the front desk says to him. ” Thank you for coming.”
The 9 Types of Boyfriends
Joe Sensitive – “After I wash the dishes, let’s cuddle, OK?”
Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling,
Soft-boiled Egg, Snugglepup
Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts
Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy
Old Man Grumpus – “People are stupid. The world can go to
hell. Let’s stay home and watch TV.” Also known as:
Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow
Mover, Jerk
Advantages: Stays put; predictable
Disadvantages: Royal pain in the ass
Flinchy – “I–I’m sorry for whatever it was I did.”
Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you
Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled
Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle
Bigfoot – “Shut yer trap, I’m thinkin’.”
Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk,
Big ‘n’ Dumb
Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled
Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig
Lazybones – “Zzzzzz”
Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket,
Drug Addict
Advantages: Well rested; easy target
Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfull your dreams
The Sneak – “Who, me?”
Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch
Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt
Disadvantages: May be having time of his life
Ace of Hearts – “After I wash the dishes let’s make love like
crazed weasels, OK?”
Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova,
Monster
Advantages: Perpetually aroused
Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused
The Dreamer – “Someday I’m going to be rich and famous. I don’t
know how, but–“
Also known as: Struggling Artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag
of Wind
Advantages: Tells good stories
Disadvantages: Will turn into “Old Man Grumpus”
Mr. Right – “While the servants wash the dishes, let’s make love
like crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?”
Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy
Advantages: Answer to a woman’s prayer
Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction
The World Series
The scene was Mount Olympus, where Bacchus, the Greek god of wine, had thrown
a party for a pair of visiting Roman deities — Ceres, the goddess of
agriculture, and Janus, the two-faced god of doors and beginnings.
Everyone over did it, more or less. Ceres at one point was staggering and
turning in circles; Janus, equally submerged, was trying to dance with her.
Bacchus feared that the pair might fall over, so he went to steady them. This
marked the first time that a whirled Ceres was held with a double-header.
Animal Football
The animals were bored. Finally, the lion had an idea. “I know a really exciting game that the humans play called football. I’ve seen it on T.V.”
He proceeded to describe it to the rest of the animals and they all got excited about it so they decided to play. They went out to the field and chose up teams and were ready to begin.
The lion’s team received. They were able to get two first downs and then had to punt. The mule punted and the rhino was back deep for the kick. He caught the ball, lowered his head and charged. First, he crushed a roadrunner, then two rabbits. He gored a wildebeast, knocked over two cows, and broke through to daylight, scoring six.
Unfortunately, they lacked a placekicker, and the score remained 6 – 0.
Late in the first half the lion’s team scored a touchdown and the mule kicked the extra point. The lion’s team led at halftime 7 – 6. In the locker room, the lion gave a peptalk.
“Look you guys. We can win this game. We’ve got the lead and they only have one real threat. We’ve got to keep the ball away from the rhino, he’s a killer. Mule, when you kick off be sure to keep it away from the rhino.”
The second half began. Just as the mule was about to kick off, the rhino’s team changed formation and the ball went directly to the rhino. Once again, the rhino lowered his head and was off running. First, he stomped two gazelles. He skewered a zebra, and bulldozed an elephant out of the way. It looked like he was home free. Suddenly at the twenty yard line, he dropped over dead. There were no other animals in sight anywhere near him. The lion went over to see what had happened. Right next to the dead rhino he saw a small centipede.
“Did you do this?” he asked the centipede.
“Yeah, I did.” the centipede replied.
The lion retorted, “Where were you during the first half?”
“I was putting on my shoes.”
Facts of Life
Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they’re OK, you’re it.
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.
Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
If you are given on open-book exam, you will forget your book.
COROLLARY: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live.
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
Paul’s Law: You can’t fall off the floor.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It’s easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you’d be paranoid, too.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel happy to be on your way.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can’t find them.
Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
A 44 Magnum beats 4 aces.