What do blonds have in common with turtles?
When their on there backs their screwed.
Author: admin
Come to me
Two blondes walk into a department store. They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle.
Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it. “That’s quite nice innit, don’t you fink Trace?”
“Yeah, what’s it called?”
“Viens a moi”
“VIENS A MOI, what the does that mean?”
At this stage the assistant offers some help. “Viens a moi ladies, is French for ‘come to me’.”
Sharon takes anther sniff and offers her arm to Tracey again saying: “That doesn’t smell like come to me, does that smell like come to you?”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Black White Boy
A small black kid goes into the pantry and gets a hold of some flower he takes the flower and pours it all over himself.
He runs into the living room and tell his dad dad dad look at me. The dad says im busy reading my paper go tell your mom.
The kid runs up stairs and tells his mom mama mama look at me the mom says im busy painting my nails go tell your father.
The kid walks down the stairs stops and says dang I aint been white five minutes and I already hate niggers.
Grace before …
The Jones family invited Minister Chubb�s over for Sunday dinner.
As they were about to dig in the minister said, “I’m now going to pray over
the meal.”
Little Timmy jumped in and said, “Relax, Reverend. Mom’s cooking isn’t all
that bad.”
Political Speech Goofs
“I want to make sure everybody who has a job wants a job”
–George Bush, during his first Presidential campaign
“This is a great day for France!”
–Richard Nixon, while attending Charles De Gaulle’s funeral
“Now, like, I’m President. It would be pretty hard for some drug guy to come into the White House and start offering it up, you know? … I bet if they did, I hope I would say, ‘Hey, get lost. We don’t want any of that.'”
–George Bush, talking about drug abuse to a group of students
“For seven and a half years I’ve worked alongside President Reagan.
We’ve had triumphs. Made some mistakes. We’ve had some sex … uh… setbacks.”
–George Bush
“I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy. But that could change.”
–Dan Quayle
“Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is in
the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that is right here.”
–Dan Quayle during a visit to Hawaii in 1989
“What a waste it is to lose one’s mind–or not to have a mind. How true that is.”
–Dan Quayle addressing the United Negro College Fund
“I am honored today to begin my first term as the Governor of Baltimore-that is Maryland.”–William Donald Schaefer, first inaugural address
“The caribou love it. They rub against it and they have babies. There are more caribou in Alaska than you can shake a stick at.”
–George Bush, on the Alaska pipeline
“I hope I stand for anti-bigotry, anti-Semitism, anti-racism. This is what drives me.”
–George Bush
“If I listened to Michael Dukakis long enough I would be convinced that we’re in an economic downturn and people are homeless and going without food and medical attention and that we’ve got to do something about the unemployed.”
–Ronald Reagan
“My fellow Americans, I’ve signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes.”
–Ronald Reagan, about to go on the air for a radio broadcast, unaware that the microphone was already on
“Mars is essentially in the same orbit. Mars is somewhat the same distance from the sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe.”
–Dan Quayle
“Now we are trying to get unemployment to go up and I think we’re going to succeed.”
–Ronald Reagan
AND GREAT MOMENTS IN POLITICAL DEBATES: Walter Mondale: George Bush doesn’t have the manhood to apologize. Bush: Well, on the manhood thing, I’ll put mine up against his any time.
FOREIGN GOOFS
“Bite the wax tadpole.”
— Coca-Cola as originally translated into Chinese
“Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave.”
— ad slogan “Pepsi Comes Alive” as originally translated into Chinese
“I am a jelly doughnut”
–English translation of John F. Kennedy speaking at the Berlin Wall
“We pray for MacArthur’s erection.”
–sign erected by Japanese citizens in Tokyo, when MacArthur was considering a run for President
“You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.”
–from a guest directory at a Japanese hotel, 1991
“It takes a virile man to make a chicken pregnant.”
–Perdue chicken ad, as mistranslated abroad
MISCELLANEOUS
“I’m not against the blacks and a lot of the good blacks will attest to that.”–Evan Mecham, then governor of Arizona
“Nixon has been sitting in the White House while George McGovern has been exposing himself to the people of the United States.”–Frank Licht, then governor of Rhode Island, campaigning for McGovern in 1972
“Retraction: The ‘Greek Special’ is a huge 18 inch pizza and not a huge 18 inch penis, as described in an ad. Blondie’s Pizza would like to apologize for any confusion Friday’s ad may have caused.”
–correction printed in The Daily Californian
“Winfield goes back to the wall. He hits his head on the wall and it rolls off! It’s rolling all the way back to second base! This is terrible thing for the Padres!”
–Jerry Coleman, Padres radio announcer
“I want you to take your balls in your hand and bounce them on the floor and then throw them as high as you can. Now, have you all got your balls in your hands?”
–announcer of children’s radio show “Life With Mother” to her audience
Mouse
One night a man heard howls coming from his basement and went down to discover a female cat being raped by a mouse.
Fascinated by what he saw, the man gained the mouse’s confidence with some cheese and then took him next door.
The mouse repeated his amazing performance by raping a German Shepherd.
The man, very excited by this, was dying to show someone his discovery.
He rushed home and woke up his wife but before he could explain, she saw the mouse, screamed, and covered her head with the blanket.
“Don’t be afraid, darling,” said the man. “Wait until I tell you about this.”
“Get out of here!” cried his wife. “And take that sex maniac with you!”
Submitted by Tantilazing
Edited by Curtis and yisman
Scotsman And a Jewish
A Scotsman and a Jewish man were having a magnificent meal at one of the
finest restaurants in New York. At the end of the evening the waiter came over
to present the check and a Scottish voice said ” That’s all right laddie just
gae the check to me “. The headlines in the local newspaper next day proclaimed
�Jewish ventriloquist found beaten to death “.
Buying a Barbie Doll
A woman and her daughter go to the store to get the daughter a Barbie. At the store, the daughter asks the lady working at the store if Barbie comes with Ken.
She replies, “Oh no, Barbie only cums with GI Joe, she just fakes it with Ken.”
Water
TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
SARAH: H- I- J- K- L- M- N- O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
SARAH: Yesterday you said it is H to O!
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo
Blonde Horse Ride
This blonde had a near death experience the other day.She climbed on top of a horse, and all of a sudden it started moving.She was a little frightened, this was her first time, but she kept on the horse. Then the horse started going fast and got out of control, and the blonde couldn’t stay on, she fell of, but her foot got stuck, and she was dragging on the ground.She started screaming, and was in great pain.Then the wal-mart manager came outside and unplugged the horse.
Knock KnockWho’s there?Marion!Marion who?Marion haste,
Knock KnockWho’s there?Marion!Marion who?Marion haste, repent at leisure!
Man Hunting
A rich, lonely widow decided that she needed another man in her life, so she placed a personal ad that read:RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH THE FOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS:1. WON’T BEAT ME UP2. WON’T RUN AWAY3. HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail, etc., all to no avail. None of the men seemed to meet her qualifications.Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man, with no arms and no legs, lying on the welcome mat. Perplexed, she asked, “Who are you and what do you want?””Hi,” said the man “Your search is over, for I am the man of your dreams. I’ve got no arms, so I can’t beat you up and I’ve got no legs, so I can’t run away.”The old woman asked, “What makes you think you’re so great in bed?”To which he replied, “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”