Author: admin

Gotta luv the south

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How do you know when you’re staying in a Kentucky hotel?
When you call the front desk and say “I’ve gotta leak in my
sink,” and the person at the front desk says “go ahead.”

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Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in
Tennessee to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!

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What do they call reruns of “Hee Haw” in Mississippi?
A documentary.

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Where was the toothbrush invented?
Oklahoma. If it was invented anywhere else it would have been
called a teethbrush.

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A Mississippi State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40.
He says to the driver, “Got any ID?”
The driver says, “Bout What?”

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Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Texas State Lottery?
The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.

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Why did O.J. Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.

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Did you hear that the governor’s mansion in Little Rock,
Arkansas, burned down?
Yep. Pert’ near took out the whole trailer park.

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What’s the best thing to ever come out of Arkansas?
I-40.

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Two Mississippians are walking down different ends of a street
toward each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet,
one says, “Hey, Tommy Ray, what’cha got in th’ bag?”
“Jus’ some chickens.”
“If I guesses how many they are, can I have one?”
“Shoot, ya guesses right and I’ll give you both of them.”
“OK, Ummmmmm…..five?”

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What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas, and a
hurricane in Florida have in common?
Somebody’s fixin’ to lose them a trailer.

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A Mississippian came home and found his house on fire, he rushed
next door, telephoned the fire department, and shouted, “Hurry
over here, my house is on fire!” “OK,” replied the fireman, “
How do we get there?
“Shucks, don’t you still have those big red trucks?”

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Why do folks in Kentucky go to the movie theater in groups of 18
or more?
Cuz 17 and under not admitted.

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Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator
told Bubba that she would send someone out right away.
“Where do you live?” asked the operator.
Bubba replied, “At the end of Eucalyptus Drive.”
The operator asked, “Can you spell that for me?”
There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, “How ’bout if I
drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?”

Last Supper

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Every time a new Pope is elected, there are many rituals and ceremonies to perform, in accordance with tradition.

But there’s one tradition that very few people know about…
Shortly after the new Pope is enthroned, the Chief Rabbi seeks an audience. He is shown into the Pope’s presence, whereupon he presents him with a silver tray bearing a velvet cushion. On top of the cushion is an ancient, shriveled parchment envelope. The Pope symbolically stretches out his arm in a gesture of rejection. The Chief Rabbi then retires, taking the envelope with him and does not return until the next Pope is elected.

John Paul II was intrigued by this ritual, whose origins were unknown to him. He instructed the best scholars of the Vatican to research it, but they came up with nothing. When the time came and the Chief Rabbi was shown into his presence, he faithfully enacted the ritual rejection but, as the Chief Rabbi turned to leave, he called him back.

“My brother,” the Holy Father whispered, “I must confess that we Catholics are ignorant of the meaning of this ritual enacted for centuries between us and you, the representative of the Jewish people. I have to ask you, what is it all about?”

The Chief Rabbi shrugs and replies: “But we have no more idea than you do. The origin of the ceremony is lost in the mists of ancient history.”

The Pope said: “Let us retire to my private chambers and enjoy a glass of wine together, then, with your agreement, we shall open the envelope and discover at last the secret.” The Chief Rabbi agreed.

Fortified in their resolve by the wine, they gingerly pried open the parchment envelope and with trembling fingers, the Chief Rabbi reached inside and extracted a folded sheet of similarly ancient paper. As the Pope peered over his shoulder, he slowly opened it. They both gasped with shock.

It was the check for the Last Supper.

True Stories from the Butterball Turkey Hotline

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Where people call to get advice how to cook a Turkey from the experts

* Thanksgiving Dinner on the run. A woman called 1-800-323-4848 to find out how long it would take to roast her turkey. To answer the question, the Talk-Line home economist asked how much the bird weighed. The woman responded, “I don’t know, it’s still running around outside.”

* Tofu turkey? No matter how you slice it, Thanksgiving just isn’t Thanksgiving without turkey. A restaurant owner in California wanted to know how to roast a turkey for a vegetarian menu

* Then there’s the time a lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?” The stock boy replied, “No ma’am, they’re dead.”

Milking Machine

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A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine.
Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first. So, he inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the switch on and . . . everything else was automatic!

Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with as much pleasure as his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn’t remove the instrument from his penis.

He read the manual but didn’t find any useful information. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success.

Finally, the farmer decided to call the supplier’s Customer Service Hot Line. “Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow’s udder?”

“Don’t worry,” replied the customer service rep, “the machine was programmed to release automatically once it’s collected two gallons of milk.”

Random Ramblings!

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** A waist is a terrible thing to mind. ** Air Pollution is a mist-demeanor. ** Atheism – A non-prophet organization. ** Boycott shampoo!!! Demand True poo! ** Chemistry professors never die, they just smell that way! ** Clones are people two. ** COLE’S LAW: Thinly sliced cabbage. ** Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? ** Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery. ** Entropy isn’t what it used to be. ** Everyone is entitled to my opinion. ** Gene Police: “YOU!! Out of the pool!” ** Ground Beef: Cow With No Legs ** Help stamp out, delete, and eradicate unnecessary, superfluous redundancy. ** I used to be indecisive; now I’m not sure. ** Microbiology Lab: Staph Only! ** Mouse… n. elephant built by the Japanese. ** My reality check just bounced. ** No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn’t work anyway. ** Rap is to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art. ** Santa’s elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses. ** So, what IF there were no hypothetical questions hypothetically…

Creation and Life Expectancy

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God created the mule, and told him, “You will be mule, working constantly
from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass
and you lack intelligence. You will live for 40 years.”

The mule answered, “To live like this for 40 years is too much. Please,
give me no more than 20.” And it was so.

Then God created the dog, and told him, “You will hold vigilance over the
dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat
his table scraps and live for 30 years.”

And the dog responded, “Lord, to live 30 years as a dog is too much.
Please, no more than 15 years.” And it was so.

God then created the monkey, and told him, “You are Monkey. You shall
swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you
shall live for 20 years.”

And the monkey responded, “Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the
world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10 years.” And it
was so.

Finally, God created Man and told him, “You are Man, the only rational
being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery
over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for
20 years.”

And the man responded, “Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little.
Please, Lord, give me the 20 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog
refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected.” And it was so.

And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 20
years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he
is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and
eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age, to
live 10 years as a monkey, acting like a clown to amuse his grandchildren.