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Hilarious Signs

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Over a gynecologist’s office: “Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”
On a plumber’s truck: “We repair what your husband fixed.”

On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: “Don’t sleep
with a drip. Call your plumber.”

Pizza shop slogan: “7 days without pizza makes one weak.”

Outside a muffler shop: “No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”

In a veterinarian’s waiting room: “Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”

Door of a plastic surgeon’s office: “We can help you pick your nose!”

On an electrician’s truck: “Let us remove your shorts.”

In a non-smoking area: “If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and
take appropriate action.”

On a maternity room door: “Push. Push. Push.”

At an optometrist’s office: “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve
come to the right place.”

In the front yard of a funeral home: “Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”

La situaci�n ocurre en un

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La situaci�n ocurre en un club. Un grupo de hombres est� en los vestuarios, luego de hacer deportes. De pronto, un celular (m�vil), que se encontraba sobre un banco de madera, comienza a sonar; uno de los hombres lo toma y contesta:

��Hola?�

��Cari�o, eres t�? Es que se oye fatal�.

�S�, mi amor�.

��Est�s en el club?�

�S�.

�Es que estoy enfrente del aparador de una tienda viendo un abrigo de piel precioso. �Puedo comprarlo?�

��Cu�nto vale?�

�Tan s�lo dos mil d�lares�.

�Est� bien, y de paso c�mprate una bolsa que le haga juego, mi amor�.

�Gracias, mi cielo. Tambi�n quiero decirte que…, bueno, resulta que pas� por el concesionario de coches y pensaba que igual y ya era el momento de cambiar el nuestro, as� que entr� y pregunt� y �qu� crees? Resulta que el BMW est� en oferta y hay uno mon�simo, que me ha gustado mucho�.

��Cu�nto vale el mon�simo coche con la oferta?�

�Son s�lo 60 mil d�lares, pero es que el coche est� fant�stico�.

�Est� bien, pero por ese precio lo quiero con todos los accesorios. Trata de conseguir alg�n descuento�.

�S�, cari�o, te prometo que voy a tratar de conseguir alg�n descuento�.

La mujer, viendo que todas sus peticiones son aceptadas, decide arriesgarse:

�Cari�o, �recuerdas que mi mam� quer�a venir a vivir con nosotros? �Te parece que la invite por un mes, como prueba, y el mes que viene lo volvemos a hablar?�

�Bueno, pero no pidas nada m�s, por favor, �eh?�

��S�, s�, est� bien! Ah, y te quiero much�simo.�

�Yo tambi�n te quiero, un besito y adi�s�.

Al colgar el tel�fono, el hombre se gira al grupo y pregunta:

��De qui�n es este celular?�

Wild Sex Parties

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Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is
finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres
of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees
the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.
Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet. After six months or so of
almost total isolation, he’s finishing dinner when someone
knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded
Vermonter standing there.

“Names Enoch… Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge…
Having a party Saturday… thought you’d like to come.”

“Great,” says Sam, “after six months of this I’m ready to meet
some local folks. Thank you.”

As Enoch is leaving he stops, “Gotta warn you there’s gonna be
some drinkin’.”

“Not a problem… after 25 years in the computer business, I can
drink with the best of ’em.”

Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. “More ‘n’ likely gonna
be some fightin’ too.”

Damn, Sam thinks… tough crowd. “Well, I get along with people.
I’ll be there. Thanks again.”

Once again Enoch turns from the door. “I’ve seen some wild sex
at these parties, too.”

“Now that’s not a problem” says Sam, “Remember I’ve been alone
for six months! I’ll definitely be there … by the way, what
should I wear?

Enoch stops in the door again and says, “Whatever you want, just
gonna be the two of us.”

Efficiency

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I took some clients out to dinner last week, and I noticed a spoon in the
shirt pocket of our waiter as he handed us the menus. It seemed a little odd,
but I dismissed it as a random thing. Until our busboy came with water and
tableware; he too, sported a spoon in his breast pocket. I looked around the
room, and all the waiters and busboys had spoons in their pockets. When our
waiter returned to take our order, I just had to ask, “Why the spoons?”

“Well,” he explained, “our parent company recently hired some Andersen
Consulting efficiency experts to review all our procedures, and after months of
statistical analyses, they concluded that our patrons drop spoons on the floor
73% more often than any other utensil, at a frequency of 3 spoons per hour per
workstation. By preparing our workers for this contingency in advance, we can
cut our trips to the kitchen down and save time… nearly 1.5 extra man-hours
per shift.” Just as he concluded, a “ch-ching” came from the table behind him,
and he quickly replaced the fallen spoon with the one from his pocket.”I’ll grab
another spoon the next time I’m in the kitchen instead of making a special
trip,” he proudly explained.

I was impressed. “Thanks, I had to ask.”

“No problem,” he answered. Then he continued to take our orders. As the
members of our dinner party took their turns, my eyes darted back and forth from
each person ordering and my menu. That’s when, out of the corner of my eye, I
spotted a thin black thread protruding from our waiter’s fly. Again, I dismissed
it; yet I had to scan the room and, sure enough, there were other waiters and
busboys with strings hanging out of their trousers. My curiosity overrode
discretion at this point, so before he could leave I had to ask. “Excuse me,
but…uh…why, or what about that string?”

“Oh, yeah,” he began, in a quieter tone, “not many people are that observant.
That same efficiency group found we could save time in the Men’s Room, too.”

“How’s that?” I asked.

“You see, by tying a string to the end of our, uh, selves, we can pull it out
at the urinals literally hands-free and thereby eliminate the need to wash our
hands, cutting time spent in the washroom by over 93%!”

“Hey, wait a minute. If the string helps you pull it out, how do you get it
back in?”

“Well,” he whispered, “I don’t know about the other guys, but I use the
spoon.”

Great tits!

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A man approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and said, “I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket.”

“Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”

The woman looked puzzled. “Why talk to me?” she asked.

“Because every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere!”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Taxi driver in Heaven

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A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them. ‘Come with me’, said St. Peter to the taxi driver. The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an olympic size pool. ‘Wow, thank you’, said the taxi driver. Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set. ‘Wait, I think you are a little mixed up’, said the priest. ‘Shouldn’t I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God’s word.’ ‘Yes, that’s true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed.’